A prayer for the New Year

You would know we live here because we don't tidy up.
Crusts on plates, socks on the floor, crumbs and crayons,
Yet, you are welcome through the door.
More space than we had dared hope for but fewer dollars in the bank.  
We are grateful nevertheless and offer God our thanks.

Next year, in Your graciousness, I would ask for only one thing.
Peace in this family and in each person's heart. 
The ability to rest in You and that nothing keeps us apart.

Letting go of expectations is hard, but it's the only thing to do.
All I want in 2016 is more and more of You.
Whether I meet you in these I live with, or in the faces in a classroom, 
I want to get to know more people and shine the light of You.

I know now I can't be the fixer.  
The Holy Spirit is not me. 
But He can be IN me and change the only heart I can give: my own.

And one last thing I ask, 
That You would help me to be,
someone who not only gives, but receives.
After the snow melts, let there be springs of living water.

HOPE #OneWordAdvent

What do you do when you have lost hope?  In the past, I clung on to the hopes I had for relationships, for my future and for what I thought I wanted.  But gradually I have lost those hopes.  They have evaporated like steam from a kettle.  Because those hopes, that I thought were so important and central to my life, were not real hope.  They were not based on reality.  The people involved never behaved the way I thought they should, the way I really, really wanted them to.  Then it turned out that I wasn't even the person I thought I should be either.  I had such high expectations of myself and was so sure that I met them, that it didn't seem unfair that I held other people to a similar stratospheric standard.  When I truly saw my hopes, they were inadequate.  I couldn't play the role I wanted to in changing other people to conform to my dream.  I couldn't hold on to the hope of relationships and a future that were completely outwith my control.  So I let go.  And became hope-less.  But not for long.  Because I looked to the source of hope, and found a bounteous supply that I could reach for.  Hopes that were good.  Hopes that held true promise.  Hope that didn't depend on me being in control.  The things I had hoped for kept me straddled to the past.  When I saw the fruit of that arrangement:  despair, despondency, yearning, pain, it didn't seem so attractive.  Moving into a new hope and a new future and new desires took courage but was worth it.  I don't even know anymore what my hopes are specifically.  But I know in whom my hope lies.  And He brings forth good fruit:  love, joy, peace, patience, goodness, kindness, self-control.  I want my future to be filled with the hope of these things.  The hope of the gifts He offers, the hope of something new. 

What I learned in November

• It is certainly very difficult, but not impossible for me to ask for help...even if it means making a phone call.

• Every month seems to go faster than the last.

• Thankfully third graders don't eat substitute teachers, or even give them a really hard time.

• My kid is not the only kid who gets invisible and momentarily severe injuries and then are fine following two minutes of sympathy and pretending like you care.  

• It is easier to be patient in a classroom than in your own home. 

• Even after ten years of celebrating, I'm still getting used to the whole Thanksgiving holiday.

• It seems we are just going to be just our little family for Christmas this year - first time ever.  Ideas for how to make the most of this are welcome!

Cheer

You know those weeks where each day is like walking through sand, it is hard to get up, and then when you are oh-so-glad to get to bed sleep eludes you.  The princess was having one of those weeks last week.  Hope seemed like a tiny speck in the distance that she was desperately trying to focus on, but the heavy fog was immediately apparent.  The usual routine was interrupted by a middle of the week holiday making everything more confused.  She made it to Thursday and was slogging through what needed to be done, feeling unappreciated in every way when a bright moment of literal cheer broke through the darkness.  On the way to karate for the wee man, with the little maiden in tow along with her homework, the back of the car was suddenly filled with beautiful voices in unison chanting "Mummy is the best, Mummy is the best"!!  The grin that broke out on Princess Morag's face could not have been any wider, and her heart swelled with the love that was being sown.  She received it from her children and knew that it's source was higher and bigger than that.  Thankful for the grace just when she needed it, she was re-energized and her soul sustained.

Then, on Sunday after the church and supermarket marathon, the princess noticed that Sir Rianus looked a little beleaguered so she called on the cheer squad to work their magic again - waiting at the stop light with "Daddy is the best" ringing in his ears, Sir Rianus' face was transformed from careworn, to delight.  Life is much better when you have people cheering behind you!

The testimony of soup and bread

The feeling has been nagging in the last few weeks at the Princess.  The dwindling bank balance has been fanning the flame of fear.  Her ears pricked up at church last Sunday when exhorted to follow the example of the poor widows in the readings.  The widow who was ready to prepare her last meal and succumb to the slow death of starvation met Ezekiel and the widow who put in her whole livelihood to the collection box was praised by Jesus.  These women looked scarcity in the eye and gave their last crumb away, trusting in God.  Faith is about what we don't see.

The Princess can't see the future, she can't see the provision that can/might/will happen.  She sees the lack and feels the heavy weight of responsibility and shame.  And with the weight and the shame comes the demon of disordered eating.  Coffee = compulsory and breakfast optional.  Lunch is small but an afternoon snack is fine.  Dinner in the company of others is easier.  She recognises the signs and knows her temptation.

The answer - admitting to herself the weakness.  Understanding that there is no easy route towards the destination of trust over temptation.  And continuing to cultivate the habit of self-care.  The first step was buying the leeks and potatoes.  Soup in the land of disordered eating is a gold mine - it is healthy and doesn't really feel like proper food.  She bought them in faith, that somehow she would find the strength and determination to chop and cook.  Three days later and she did.  Lifting the load of the breadmaker from the cupboard was another act of faith.  Flour, sugar, dried milk, salt, water, yeast - the routine came back.

With a stomach full of simple but good things the Princess praises God.  He is with her and she is more cognizant of that now than in previous years.  She is more inclined to believe in His love and provision and the pot full of soup and bag of bread testify to that.

Family - Five Minute Friday

Family - Five Minute Friday  

Princess Morag has always been fascinated by her daughter's focus on family.  Ever since the little maiden could talk, she would point to groups of things and label them as a family.  E v e r y t h i n g would get this treatment: food on a plate, pictures in a book, poop in her potty!!!

Six years later and the not-quite-so-little maiden has kept up this trait.  Her favourite thing to draw is the family she is a part of, with everyone wearing their favourite colour and the princess and little maiden with matching long brown hair and fantastic long eye lashes!

It seems, to the princess, that her daughter's preoccupation with family is a gift.  It helps her believe that the four members of their nuclear family can be united even when their personalities cause frequent conflict or self-isolation.   Through the little maiden's eyes, nothing trumps family and she sees it everywhere.

Calling - Five minute free writes

The princess heard someone call their calling something they "couldn't not do".  The double negative was apparently a key way to express it from their point of view.  She can relate to this in a way.  She didn't think she had 'the calling' to be a teacher before this year.  She didn't find the enormous workload and responsibility an attractive career prospect...and yet, here she finds herself happy accepted on an alternative route to teaching licensure course/track/program - thing.  But she hasn't applied to general teaching, she has applied for special education teaching which would seem an even more pressure filled prospect.  She even said in her application that

"Managing multiple ability levels and addressing issues of motivation and challenging behavior are the kinds of demanding tasks that I find stimulating."  

And it's true - they are!  Not one to live the boring life, Princess Morag recently pinpointed the cause of her general lethargy - not enough brain stimulation.  Studying for her Praxis - core for Educators exam has proven to be a good antidote for this condition.

 

What I learned in September

• When the season changes it makes me homesick, really, really homesick.

• Related - flights home are even more ridiculously expensive than they used to be :(

• Since using my brain to study, I have been happier.  Ditto when reading more.

• I could download a copy of my new health insurance card from their website instead of waiting for it in the mail.

• Trimming my daughter's hair was easy peasy.

• When you lack confidence in making a decision, you end up having to enter an internet order three times.

• I was reminded that library sales are the best (and Andre Agassi's autobiography is really rather good).

• McCafe (Premium roast - medium) coffee is my favourite brand to drink at home.

• It's actually possible for us to do low key family activities at the weekend. e.g. go to library, watch airshow from park.

• Involving two other households in your search for your degree certificate means it will, of course, turn up at your own house but you are grateful you found it and that others love you enough to look!

Book Review - Girl Meets Change

Girl Meets Change: Truths to carry you through life's transitions  by Kristen Strong.  

This book seemed like the perfect read for this changing season in my life.  Having recently moved to a new city and state, everything feels different again and the echoes of my continent-change came crashing back to mind.

It's been a few months since we moved, which places me right in what Kristen aptly calls the "murky middle".  During my reading of the book, a few things happened to illuminate the murk, but when I started reading I very much felt in the dark and alone.  Having been told as a child that my best strategy in life is "just to get on with things", I was struck by the kinder counsel in the book to

"Get through it by giving yourself grace amidst the blur.  Get through it by acknowledging the hard feelings while holding on to God's truth.  And remember, he's holding you too. "  p65

Her constant reminders of God's goodness, and how He remembers us, and wants to bless us, helped me to keep trusting when it was hard.  Thankfully, she also made plenty of provision for the times in life where change does appear disastrous and she didn't sugar coat those instances or try to cope with them using 'Christianese'.  Her call to faith and courage in the face of change was realistic:

"Bravery is not the absence of fear but following God through the fear as you believe God's promises.  It's holding on to the facts of our faith more tightly than to our fears for the future..." p148

Kristen made good use of her own story and those of others to illustrate her points in the book.  Sometimes it is easier to connect with the truth when we see how others have done so.  The idea that change can be good is easier for some people than others, and although nobody likes the bad change, seeing the fruit of growth within it, does make it a little more palatable.

The (slightly less) murky middle continues in my life.  And the changes are happening more slowly than I expected, but I am learning to be grateful alongside my impatience!  This book has in a large part, helped change my attitude in that regard.  

With thanks to Revell for my free copy in exchange for my honest review.

What I learned in August

1. Hosting a party is fun until everyone leaves and then I mourn the goodbyes intensely for 24 hours.
2. School supply shopping is ridiculously stressful.  But shout out to Office Depot for having the multiplication flashcards I couldn't find anywhere else!
3. If you don't have friends yet, school sucks.
4. Once you get friends at school, it sucks a little less.
5. I get depressed when I'm home alone, and still don't do the housework.
6. Screaming and crying in the car is cathartic when you are particularly irked by a situation.
7. Good teachers are a lifesaver.
8. Tantrums and intense emotions....apparently they are par for the course when you have a gifted child (or were a gifted child).
9. You can't hide your stress from a massage therapist!
10. Settling in a new city takes a lot longer than I want it to.

Celebration - #whole mama

• Today I celebrate eight years of motherhood.  Somehow eight years seem weighty, like it deserves a graduation or something!

• Today was also back to school - definitely worthy of celebration! 

• It was day one at a new school and nobody cried or had a terrible time- woohoo!

• I became an auntie for the 4th time to a lovely nephew.  He is far away and I can't cuddle him, but I got to see him on skype :)
• In the last two days I was tempted into a spiral of shame and self-loathing and managed to keep myself from going down that slippery slope - VICTORY!
• My husband diverted young master away from tantrum at key moment.

Book Review: Wild in the Hollow

RE:  Wild in the Hollow: On Chasing Desire & Finding the Broken Way Home. 

Dear Amber C. Haines,

I was glad to get to read your beautiful book.  I had to refrain from underlining my favourite quotes because I got the hard copy, and I can't bring myself to mark 'real' books, but I would have gone to town on my kindle with the highlighting!

Your boldness in speaking your truth frightened me, because it calls to my spirit that I have the freedom to do the same.  I get scared when my passion rises and my love becomes fierce, even violent.  I sense that I have more power available to me than I ever thought.  That it is a feminine power that I am nowhere close to understanding but I now know is actually feared by those who mock it; giving it new credibility in my own eyes.

Each chapter was like diving into a deep pool, where I would swim as fast as I could before coming up for breath.

You took pain and suffering and wove the words of them into something of beauty.  What more can we ask, that our struggle is worthy of being made good; there is only One who can make it so.


Thank you Revell Books for the free copy for review.

Home Alone

The princess can hear the washing machine busily spinning and sloshing the water around, but the noise does not intrude on her sense of quiet within herself.  For as much noise as it makes, it does not disturb in the way the presence of another person would.  For the second time this summer she is home alone and it is wonderful.  The couch cushions are straightened, the counter is wiped, the dishes are done, the cereal that always makes it to the floor, and crumbs have been swept up.  The smell of coffee revives her and the Princess can breathe a little easier although allergies have returned to make respiration a little uncomfortable.

The children will return and with them, spills, crumbs and the continuous sound of people singing minecraft parodies from her ipod.  In time those songs will remind her of this summer, the soundtrack of 2015.  Just the same as she remembers the Thomas songs, Dinosaur train and Wonder Pets.  And even though the kids don't remember, before that were the treats of CBeebies in the old realm: Balamory, the goodnight song and Boogie Beebies.  Those oldest ones are the ones that make her tear up.  The soundtrack of the sleep deprivation years.  The years where she and the little ones were just getting acquainted.  The years when there was no such thing as alone time.  Ever.

When she's home alone, Princess Morag can reflect on her life and remember the good things and be thankful for the people that share this home.  When everything is noisy and her permission for this that and the other is constantly being sought followed by impassioned protesting if she does not immediately say yes, it is harder to hold on to a spirit of gratitude.

To keep her sense of internal quiet while all the external noise is present - that is the true challenge.  God help her.

linking up today with #wholemama

Better (a revisit)

This was a timely message from faithbarista!  Princess Morag is entering a new phase of life, and her word for 2015 was "better".  Yet, she was getting caught in the barbs of trying to make a "plan".  She might not be noted as being the most organised person in the world, but always she has had a plan in her head for what is next, what she will do in the future.  But in surrendering her all to Jesus, she has tried not to freak out and fret about the next thing, trying, trying, trying to let him show her the next step.   And she thinks she's found it, and she probably wouldn't have picked it for herself, but it is ticking all the boxes of good things except for the one where she identifies with the title.  The Princess has been going around for years since graduating university and most of her friends went off to teach thinking to herself "I'm not a teacher" and now she is planning on embarking on a teaching career!! But God seems to be messing with all her "not a....." statements recently.

Having a plan was always the Princess' answer to her anxiety but it wasn't exactly a comfort.  A signpost does not bring comfort.  Maybe a moment of relief if you know which direction to go but standing under a signpost, is nothing compared to someone standing beside you saying that they know which way to go and they will take you there.  Being self-sufficient can make you feel strong and proud but then in those moments where the strong and proud feelings give way to uncertainty and weakness sitting at the foot of a signpost is not as appealing as being wrapped in arms of love.

Princess Morag didn't really know that those arms of love were being offered for most of her life.  She still almost doesn't believe that they are there for her.  She is not sure how able she is to rest in them, when it feels awkward and new.  Shouldn't she being doing something?  Or explaining why she is so tired and that's why she had to stop?  Shouldn't she write some lists and check stuff off?

Looking to the face of the one she loves and resting her eyes on Him, she finds that there is no condemnation there.  No "why didn't you do...?"  She doesn't feel hurried, there are no demands.  Just an invitation to be with Him.  This is the kind of 'better' she needs in her life.  Better isn't the new house, new city, new plan.  Better is a person.  His name is Jesus.

What I've learned in June

• moving is exhausting.  Not just all the packing and cleaning and lifting and shifting.  But the being in a new environment too.  I am sensitive to change and being in a new place, especially a messy one taxes me greatly.  #highlysensitiveperson
• Saying goodbye is important.  My instinct is to slink away, unnoticed.  But it is never a satisfying experience.  I always resent the people I cared about because they 'should' have thrown me a party.  [Actually that did happen once, it was so wonderfully kind.] I organized a going away party for my kids and their friends.  One of my children appreciated it, and one of them was on sensory/people overload and hated it after the event but appeared to enjoy it at the time!  I was still glad I did it.
• Hot weather makes my feet swell and I am generally lethargic.  This is not new information to me this summer, but somehow I'm still slightly surprised but mostly annoyed.  Why do I live in the desert??
• Lego camp for my son was indeed an ideal introduction to his new school/city/peers.
• 12ft trampolines are enormous, especially in a relatively modest sized back yard.
• kindleunlimited is awesome! Both for me and for my minecraft-fan-fiction-reading son!
• I need Jesus!  We didn't go to church for a couple of weeks due to moving and concert in Las Vegas going and I really, really missed it. I managed to sneak to a Vigil service the weekend we were moving and gratefully (with tears) received Eucharist. It wonderfully satisfied my famished soul.
• I've learned to listen to my anxiety, for the Faith Barista tells me it is signaling something that is important to me.  For most of my life, I've told my anxiety to go away, squashed it down and told it to stop being silly. It's not being silly, it's being a signal.  And noticing it, acknowledging it, and stopping to listen to myself is revolutionary in terms of living in freedom.

Linking up with Emily P Freeman

Fear - Five minute Friday

I felt it again.  The fear that could take a swift journey to panic.  When I named it, the fear leaked out my eyes.  I don't want to die.  I don't like uncertainty.  I could talk the truth to myself about odds and reality but the fear doesn't really listen.  It tries to hold me hostage.  Because the fear is in the past too, when I could have died, but my life was saved.  When I could have been paralysed but instead just gave birth via c-section pain free and no complications.  The fear jumps to the worst case scenario.  The fear wants me to believe that all is darkness and there is no light.  I was glad not to be alone, and the sleep came and then morning arrived with the thing that I had been anxious about that turned out to be good.  The fear is always trying to cheat me out of the good, the better, the best.  The fear wants to hold me back in case the bad thing happens.  But doing the thing anyway proves it wrong most of the time.

World - Five minute Friday

"Where in the world am I?"  It's a reasonable question to ask in Princess Morag's life.  You'd think she'd be used to living in the new realm after 3.5 years...but recently moving cities and states has called into question everything once again!  What is she doing here?  She really doesn't know, except she has to be with her little family, thankfully reunited after daddy went pilgrimaging three months before them and found their new abode.

What has this new city to offer?  Some things are the same 200 miles north of where she was.  It is still hot and absurdly sunny.  The mountains are less majestic, but still hem her in.  There is more evidence of civilization: shops etc.  There are very similar playparks but they have very high twisty slides (kind of scary from the parental point of view) and on the plus side, nice walking paths to get there.

The Princess's usual optimism is flagging a little on this new move, but her faith is still working.  She is willing to switch track in this way.  She is pretty sure that God has a better handle on why and where in the world she is.  Hopefully He'll let her in that knowledge shortly.

Book Review - "You're Loved No Matter What'

Holley's Gerth book, You're Loved No Matter What subtitled: "Freeing Your Heart from the Need to Be Perfect", perfectly summarises all the life lessons Princess Morag has been learning in the last five years.  At first, she thought that it seemed like a longer book than necessary; but in fact, Holley's writing is thorough but succinct in the message.

Perfectionism can sometimes be difficult to recognise in yourself.  It took Princess Morag a long time to realise that it was the root of her problems in her inner life, her emotions and her relationships.  As an idealist, it is unsurprising that it would be an issue, but however it disguises itself, it is not the answer to life.  As Holley reminds us

"...you're not created to be perfect, You're created to be a person." p111.


Always trying hard, and always striving in every area of life can become so natural.  But it's not how it's supposed to be, especially in our spiritual lives.  Checkbox Christianity has never been attractive to Princess Morag, yet at times it was tempting as it seemed easier than struggling to believe in a life of love when it felt like there was so much evidence to the contrary.  Anxious to please others, Princess Morag has slowly been learning to want to please God above all others.  And God doesn't want us to be perfect before we come to Him - that would be impossible!

"...we can't make ourselves perfect-either in our identities or our behavior.  Today, tomorrow, and for eternity, Jesus alone is in charge of our perfection." p154.

This is the take home message for the Princess.  This is the reminder she needs everyday.  She does not have to be in charge of a 'family image', a 'professional demenor' or 'appearing as the perfect wife and mother'.  That is not who God made her to be.  She was made to be grown in love and perfected in grace.  Not to grow in strife and be perfectly anxious.

In chapter ten: "The Perfect Place You're Heading One Day", Holley explains how our innermost desires to be perfect and to live in a perfect world don't mean that there's something wrong with us; they are the hunger pains for heaven.  And truly, it was a relief for the Princess to read that chapter and put all those hungry feelings in that context.  The Princess has been grateful to be able to set down her perfectionism but she had not filled the gap with the hope of heaven.  It turns out to be a perfect fit.

Finally, not only does laying down perfectionism improve your own life, it helps others.  Princess Morag has observed this phenomenon recently.

"When we can embrace imperfection in life and ourselves, it makes those around us breathe a sigh of relief.  We are all insecure..."  p184.

To know we are perfectly loved, by the only one who can love perfectly, truly is freeing truth.  The Princess would like to thank Holley for her book, with it's wisdom, love and grace so that we can learn to live in them instead of our homemade perfect hell.




N.B. Princess Morag received a free copy of the  book from Revell a division of Baker Publishing Group in exchange for this review.

What I learned in January - love is patient.

Linking up with Emily @ chatting in the sky

The Princess took "love is patient" as her challenge for the month of January.  She had ample opportunity to practice this virtue every single day.  The small people in her life, her own, and the younger ones that she assists in teaching weekday mornings, helped her to grow more faithful in displaying patience.  She can't say that exasperation didn't crop up frequently as a response, but she did feel like her patience performance by the end of the month was an improvement on where she was at in the beginning!

What took the Princess by surprise was how she learned that practising patience doesn't even have to involve other people.  When she did something she deemed silly, or something that was an error of judgement that had some consequences - she was flooded with shame, but then counseled herself through, the way she would if it was someone else who had done the 'shameful' act.  Trying to patiently love herself is a new thing for Princess Morag; she is much more familiar with beating herself up, being defensive or wondering what the heck is wrong with her!

Changing those automatic thoughts about herself and others is difficult.  And knowing that no-one is likely to transform into a saint overnight is lesson one in patience, followed by taking one small step in the right direction.  Learning a 4-7-8 breathing technique was also very helpful in the progress of patience [breathe in through your nose for a count of 4, hold for 7 and breathe out through your mouth for 8]. When baseline anxiety is high, patience is almost impossible.  The Princess didn't make time for any exercise outside of daily(ish) walks but she breathes anyway, so this technique wasn't too difficult to integrate into her life.  

On reflection, the Princess is pretty sure that being patient and feeling peaceful are somehow intertwined and that making room for one, helps usher the other into the same space.  Since peace is not something that she can conjure on demand, remembering to practice patience has been a good lesson.  

Wait - Five minute Friday

WAIT!

HA!  That's what I've been doing for a long time. I was about to say I'm in the middle of waiting, but then I paused and now I wonder, if we are in fact, close to the end of waiting and that is a cheering thought.  Sir Rianus is in the last few months of his 'term employment' that brought us to the new realm.  He was able to be renewed three times.  So this is our fourth year here.  We thought we were moving soon after we got here, we didn't expect to be here this long.  So, after we moved out of the house we had rented, we moved into our apartment thinking we wouldn't be in the small space for long.  Our children have grown significantly bigger in those 2.5 years as have the number of material possessions we have attempted to cram into our living space.  And all along, we were waiting.  Waiting for the next job, waiting to know whether we would stay in this small town in the desert wildnerness and you know what.....I'm STILL WAITING!!!  Patience is such a hard virtue to learn when you want to simultaneously feel peaceful!

Beloved Brews: My one word for 2015

The Princess had a word for 2014 - it was greater.  She had hoped the greater things would be wonderful and visible changes in her life.  It didn't really turn out that way.  Not much has changed since the Princess returned from her visit to the old realm a year ago.  Circumstances are very similar with the exception that she now spends three hours of her morning in gainful employment instead of pretending that one day she will do the housework in her very small apartment.

But Princess Morag's God is greater.  She ended 2014 with the reflection that underneath the unchanging, messy, tiny apartment, ever being filled with more stuff - she has more peace.  She is calmer.  She shouts a bit less often.  She is more content.  She has more love and patience for people.  She has changed for the better.

Which leads her right into the word for 2015 - better.  God had greater plans than changing obvious outward circumstances last year.  The young maiden was suffering recently from wheezing, and the Princess was looking forward to when her wee girl was better.  And now she is.  Better is good.  Better makes you happy.  Better makes you grateful.  Better remembers how it used to be and is glad that something changed.

The Princess doesn't like change, and 2015 promises to hold some.  But if it is change for the better then it is worth it.