About Me

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Princess Morag is a stay at home mum who tries to stay sane, hold on to her faith and keep her brain somewhat stimulated

Saturday, January 06, 2018

Then and now

Wanted but rejected

a rainbow baby untreasured

a survivor with a death wish

loved across time

unknown in the present

cut off,  unheld

worried over, over worried.

plump flesh, starving heart

cut open, stitched together

scarred and still broken.

Accepted despite doubt

desire unburied

cravings discovered and met in part

tears counted, held close

kindness and patience,

uncommon respect.

Spirit guided,

pools of empathy

hoping for wholeness.

Monday, October 23, 2017

All in life's mix.

I'm not a misery guts,
I wasn't born to cry.
I've had to endure some crap,
Before I could learn to fly.

The tears, irritation, anxiety and rage,
Are not really me, it's just I was scared.
Scared of life, scared of death, scared to really try.
I want things to be easier, but easy means to die.

Death would be easy, it's life that's the struggle.
But just because I've made mistakes, doesn't mean I'm in trouble.
Trying to be perfect while painfully aware I was not.
I was never going to succeed no matter how close I got.

What I wanted was love, but it was elusive.
I wanted back in, but their new lives were exclusive.
I have my own life and my own children now;
But there is something still missing, no matter how
I do my best to love, do my best to mother.
But I feel abandoned and lost because he chose another.

Someone else's daughter was deemed better than me.
How could that be possible?  It should never be!
To forget your own child and choose someone else instead.
Thank goodness for God's promises inside the bible I've read.
He has chosen me for His, He will never forget.
I will always be loved and cherished;
I can't be lost in a bet.

This knowledge helps, but is not the same as escaping rejection
I understand pain and heartbreak;
a gift received, despite objection.
I don't like the suffering and grief that are part of life's mix.
Yet He promises to make good from the things we'd rather He magically fix.
Who am I to try to return this gift to my maker?
I will try to trust this recipe sent by the Heavenly baker.

Thursday, August 04, 2016

Looking at me

I would say, "look at me now" but I don't really want you to look at me.

I am not yet strong enough to stand there steadfast declaring my worth.

Because when you look at me, I wither.

I try to shrink and diminish before you bring me down.

But if I stand here and say, "look at me, world!", I have confidence.

Because what the world sees is really me.

I don't know what you see.  But it's not really me.

The world says, "well done!"  and "we wish you well".

You don't say anything at all and that hurts.

The world says:  "you will be great at that"  and again you say nothing.

I thank God for the people who care, and who love me.

I thank God that I'm learning to accept their love and declare myself worthy.

It is hard to look back and see a black hole.

It is hard to look in the face of my daughter and see myself and wonder how anyone could not have loved me.  She is so beautiful.  I was too, but nobody ever told me so.

And it's not just about the way she looks.  It's how she concentrates, it's how she cares, it's how she shows her emotions and loves with such purity and strength.  I know I was like that too.

She has her own ways to shine too, that are different from mine, but I don't resent that - I love that - her mix of gifts, given from God.  To be celebrated, not negated.

So here I stand.  On the brink of something new.  And I try to believe.

Believe that I can do it.  Believe that it's OK to start something new. To be a beginner.

Believe that asking for help is a sign of strength.  That feedback is not to be feared.  And life is for living out loud and not hiding in case somebody doesn't like me.

Wednesday, July 20, 2016

Don't go

You are hoisting me along the hall.
I am clinging to your leg, I can't let go.
Please don't go....

There is darkness, blackness, bleakness.
Weeks of life pass without memory.
Until airport day.

Until you are back, until you are home.
And you are happy and I am too.
There are presents.

Things you thought I would like.
Things from a foreign land that maybe you can't even get here.
Things that speak to my heart and make me feel known.
And noticed.
And even a little bit special.

Friday, July 08, 2016

Summer visit

So, the princess drove back to the old town.  200 miles each way, and on the way back ALL the bugs decided to fly in front of the car so the windshield/screen was covered in insect innards (nice).  She didn't want to stop to clean them off though because taking small people for pizza before they left had made them later leaving than desired and the princess doesn't do driving in the dark very well.  She's not sure if that's a female thing, a something-wrong-with-her-night-vision thing, a person who gets migraines thing, a roads-in-the-new-realm are poorly marked and on the wrong side thing....or what?  She decided such trials should be avoided after journey in dark with accompanying snow and middle of nowhere driving last winter left her traumatised!

So, she was taking the kids back to the old town to visit.  And although the small people didn't see many friends the princess saw hers and that was good.  Very good.  Especially when it involved lunching at the bakery.  The kids decided that swimming and cinnamon roll eating requires public napping as a consequence and so she found herself losing circulation due to the bodies of a seven and eight year old leaning on her with all their sleepy weight.  She suffered the numbness and pins and needles for quite some time because they were quiet children leaving her conversation blissfully uninterrupted!  

So, the princess enjoyed the talking and hanging out in familiar places with familiar people who know how to say her name and hopefully don't anxiously worry about getting it wrong anymore!  People who know her children and she can update on progress and share the regular parenting pressures with, as well as the particular peculiarities of her progeny.  In all these reflections the princess found herself smiling.  And then again today, she was happily at home (watching Wimbledon!) and noticed the contentment she had in her soul.

It was good to visit.  It was good to come home.  It was good to make memories with her children and let them be 'spoiled' by their honorary Mimi.  Summer used to feel heavy and hard, but this year it is shaping up to be a good one.  

Monday, June 27, 2016

Camping Trip

Pine trees and friends.
Cheeky ground squirrels in the sun's spotlight.
A small body squeezed in beside mine in my sleeping bag, keeping warm.

Sandwiches accompanied by mosquitoes.
Long legs and little legs walking along the trail.
Snow capped mountains despite the heat.

Waiting long for the water to boil.
Getting frustrated at the tent zip splitting.
Noisy kids when I'm trying to nap.

Happy people catching fish.
Chatter around the campfire.
Jumbo marshmallows roasted on a stick.

All of this was our camping trip.

Tuesday, May 31, 2016

What we learned in May

What Princess Morag learned in May:
  1. Having an adventurous spirit was easier when there wasn't a husband and children to consider.
  2. She can't say 'no' to people on the phone.  It is difficult, but possible, in an email.
  3. Going to the cardiologist office still makes her feel very young.
  4. Her kids are growing up ridiculously fast so she is learning to make the most of what these days hold.
  5. Listening to the radio makes her happy.
  6. Baseball games are likely more fun when the weather isn't rain with a biting wind.
  7. First grade is a good level for substitute teaching - the students know the routines and still have some awe for the teacher.
  8. The movie 'Inside Out' provides some good catharsis one year after moving. 
  9. Mosquitoes are still her nemesis.