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Princess Morag is a stay at home mum who tries to stay sane, hold on to her faith and keep her brain somewhat stimulated

Thursday, August 04, 2016

Looking at me

I would say, "look at me now" but I don't really want you to look at me.

I am not yet strong enough to stand there steadfast declaring my worth.

Because when you look at me, I wither.

I try to shrink and diminish before you bring me down.

But if I stand here and say, "look at me, world!", I have confidence.

Because what the world sees is really me.

I don't know what you see.  But it's not really me.

The world says, "well done!"  and "we wish you well".

You don't say anything at all and that hurts.

The world says:  "you will be great at that"  and again you say nothing.

I thank God for the people who care, and who love me.

I thank God that I'm learning to accept their love and declare myself worthy.

It is hard to look back and see a black hole.

It is hard to look in the face of my daughter and see myself and wonder how anyone could not have loved me.  She is so beautiful.  I was too, but nobody ever told me so.

And it's not just about the way she looks.  It's how she concentrates, it's how she cares, it's how she shows her emotions and loves with such purity and strength.  I know I was like that too.

She has her own ways to shine too, that are different from mine, but I don't resent that - I love that - her mix of gifts, given from God.  To be celebrated, not negated.

So here I stand.  On the brink of something new.  And I try to believe.

Believe that I can do it.  Believe that it's OK to start something new. To be a beginner.

Believe that asking for help is a sign of strength.  That feedback is not to be feared.  And life is for living out loud and not hiding in case somebody doesn't like me.

Wednesday, July 20, 2016

Don't go

You are hoisting me along the hall.
I am clinging to your leg, I can't let go.
Please don't go....

There is darkness, blackness, bleakness.
Weeks of life pass without memory.
Until airport day.

Until you are back, until you are home.
And you are happy and I am too.
There are presents.

Things you thought I would like.
Things from a foreign land that maybe you can't even get here.
Things that speak to my heart and make me feel known.
And noticed.
And even a little bit special.

Friday, July 08, 2016

Summer visit

So, the princess drove back to the old town.  200 miles each way, and on the way back ALL the bugs decided to fly in front of the car so the windshield/screen was covered in insect innards (nice).  She didn't want to stop to clean them off though because taking small people for pizza before they left had made them later leaving than desired and the princess doesn't do driving in the dark very well.  She's not sure if that's a female thing, a something-wrong-with-her-night-vision thing, a person who gets migraines thing, a roads-in-the-new-realm are poorly marked and on the wrong side thing....or what?  She decided such trials should be avoided after journey in dark with accompanying snow and middle of nowhere driving last winter left her traumatised!

So, she was taking the kids back to the old town to visit.  And although the small people didn't see many friends the princess saw hers and that was good.  Very good.  Especially when it involved lunching at the bakery.  The kids decided that swimming and cinnamon roll eating requires public napping as a consequence and so she found herself losing circulation due to the bodies of a seven and eight year old leaning on her with all their sleepy weight.  She suffered the numbness and pins and needles for quite some time because they were quiet children leaving her conversation blissfully uninterrupted!  

So, the princess enjoyed the talking and hanging out in familiar places with familiar people who know how to say her name and hopefully don't anxiously worry about getting it wrong anymore!  People who know her children and she can update on progress and share the regular parenting pressures with, as well as the particular peculiarities of her progeny.  In all these reflections the princess found herself smiling.  And then again today, she was happily at home (watching Wimbledon!) and noticed the contentment she had in her soul.

It was good to visit.  It was good to come home.  It was good to make memories with her children and let them be 'spoiled' by their honorary Mimi.  Summer used to feel heavy and hard, but this year it is shaping up to be a good one.  

Monday, June 27, 2016

Camping Trip

Pine trees and friends.
Cheeky ground squirrels in the sun's spotlight.
A small body squeezed in beside mine in my sleeping bag, keeping warm.

Sandwiches accompanied by mosquitoes.
Long legs and little legs walking along the trail.
Snow capped mountains despite the heat.

Waiting long for the water to boil.
Getting frustrated at the tent zip splitting.
Noisy kids when I'm trying to nap.

Happy people catching fish.
Chatter around the campfire.
Jumbo marshmallows roasted on a stick.

All of this was our camping trip.

Tuesday, May 31, 2016

What we learned in May

What Princess Morag learned in May:
  1. Having an adventurous spirit was easier when there wasn't a husband and children to consider.
  2. She can't say 'no' to people on the phone.  It is difficult, but possible, in an email.
  3. Going to the cardiologist office still makes her feel very young.
  4. Her kids are growing up ridiculously fast so she is learning to make the most of what these days hold.
  5. Listening to the radio makes her happy.
  6. Baseball games are likely more fun when the weather isn't rain with a biting wind.
  7. First grade is a good level for substitute teaching - the students know the routines and still have some awe for the teacher.
  8. The movie 'Inside Out' provides some good catharsis one year after moving. 
  9. Mosquitoes are still her nemesis.

Wednesday, April 20, 2016

Lie? - #OneWordCoffee

"She doesn't have time for you.  She doesn't need you, she has daughters of her own."

I wanted to call, I desperately needed to hear truth and love.  And this was the whisper in my head.  I listened and then I thought about it and I concluded - that is a lie.  Is there any evidence of that in the way we have interacted in the last three years?  No.  No evidence whatsoever.  She has consistently shown me love and patience and kindness and has been unfailingly glad to hear from me every time I've called.  And so I called, and her greeting made me smile, shining a light through the darkness that had been gathering in me and leaving me glad that I didn't listen to the lie.

And then the Spirit worked some healing.  She asked what else she could do?  After offering me all the truth and love she had, she actually asked what more she could do.  So I asked her to pray, right there and then on the phone.  And the tears of grief and healing streamed down my face.  She cared, she cares.  She loves me and says so.  And I can say those three words right back to her without hesitation but still a little check in my heart that wonders how it is possible?  Except she is an answer to my prayer and God is faithful.

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Wednesday, March 30, 2016

Peace #OneWordCoffee

"Deliver us, Lord, we pray, from every evil, graciously grant peace in our days, that, by the help of your mercy, we may be always free from sin and safe from all distress, as we await the blessed hope and the coming of our Savior, Jesus Christ." 

I hear these words every week.  Peace. I have a hunger for this in my life.  It has been elusive for so many years.  God wants to save me from distress?  Really?  I get incredulous because people I have loved so often caused me distress and seemed to enjoy doing so.  I thought they loved me, but on reflection that is seriously called into question.  It makes a lot more sense that if you love someone you would wish them good things, like peace.

So this Easter we made a peaceful choice and lo!  I found not only peace but JOY - that other elusive friend.

I didn't have a very focused sacrifice in Lent, but a vague idea that I needed to let go of getting worked up about other people's issues and try to catch hold of that elusive peace.  It is a continuing work in progress but switching focus from others towards myself is something that is novel for me.  I had a moment of distress while on vacation when I wanted to simultaneously do the thing I wanted to do, but I didn't want to cause anyone else inconvenience.  But I can't fairly judge what is convenient or not for other people, in that moment I had to let it go and allow them to make their own choices.  It all worked out for my happiness in the end :)

"Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid."
John 14:27

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