Monday, July 20, 2015

Home Alone

The princess can hear the washing machine busily spinning and sloshing the water around, but the noise does not intrude on her sense of quiet within herself.  For as much noise as it makes, it does not disturb in the way the presence of another person would.  For the second time this summer she is home alone and it is wonderful.  The couch cushions are straightened, the counter is wiped, the dishes are done, the cereal that always makes it to the floor, and crumbs have been swept up.  The smell of coffee revives her and the Princess can breathe a little easier although allergies have returned to make respiration a little uncomfortable.

The children will return and with them, spills, crumbs and the continuous sound of people singing minecraft parodies from her ipod.  In time those songs will remind her of this summer, the soundtrack of 2015.  Just the same as she remembers the Thomas songs, Dinosaur train and Wonder Pets.  And even though the kids don't remember, before that were the treats of CBeebies in the old realm: Balamory, the goodnight song and Boogie Beebies.  Those oldest ones are the ones that make her tear up.  The soundtrack of the sleep deprivation years.  The years where she and the little ones were just getting acquainted.  The years when there was no such thing as alone time.  Ever.

When she's home alone, Princess Morag can reflect on her life and remember the good things and be thankful for the people that share this home.  When everything is noisy and her permission for this that and the other is constantly being sought followed by impassioned protesting if she does not immediately say yes, it is harder to hold on to a spirit of gratitude.

To keep her sense of internal quiet while all the external noise is present - that is the true challenge.  God help her.

linking up today with #wholemama

Whole Mama

Thursday, July 09, 2015

Better (a revisit)

This was a timely message from faithbarista!  Princess Morag is entering a new phase of life, and her word for 2015 was "better".  Yet, she was getting caught in the barbs of trying to make a "plan".  She might not be noted as being the most organised person in the world, but always she has had a plan in her head for what is next, what she will do in the future.  But in surrendering her all to Jesus, she has tried not to freak out and fret about the next thing, trying, trying, trying to let him show her the next step.   And she thinks she's found it, and she probably wouldn't have picked it for herself, but it is ticking all the boxes of good things except for the one where she identifies with the title.  The Princess has been going around for years since graduating university and most of her friends went off to teach thinking to herself "I'm not a teacher" and now she is planning on embarking on a teaching career!! But God seems to be messing with all her "not a....." statements recently.

Having a plan was always the Princess' answer to her anxiety but it wasn't exactly a comfort.  A signpost does not bring comfort.  Maybe a moment of relief if you know which direction to go but standing under a signpost, is nothing compared to someone standing beside you saying that they know which way to go and they will take you there.  Being self-sufficient can make you feel strong and proud but then in those moments where the strong and proud feelings give way to uncertainty and weakness sitting at the foot of a signpost is not as appealing as being wrapped in arms of love.

Princess Morag didn't really know that those arms of love were being offered for most of her life.  She still almost doesn't believe that they are there for her.  She is not sure how able she is to rest in them, when it feels awkward and new.  Shouldn't she being doing something?  Or explaining why she is so tired and that's why she had to stop?  Shouldn't she write some lists and check stuff off?

Looking to the face of the one she loves and resting her eyes on Him, she finds that there is no condemnation there.  No "why didn't you do...?"  She doesn't feel hurried, there are no demands.  Just an invitation to be with Him.  This is the kind of 'better' she needs in her life.  Better isn't the new house, new city, new plan.  Better is a person.  His name is Jesus.

Faith Barista