Thursday, December 03, 2015
What do you do when you have lost hope? In the past, I clung on to the hopes I had for relationships, for my future and for what I thought I wanted. But gradually I have lost those hopes. They have evaporated like steam from a kettle. Because those hopes, that I thought were so important and central to my life, were not real hope. They were not based on reality. The people involved never behaved the way I thought they should, the way I really, really wanted them to. Then it turned out that I wasn't even the person I thought I should be either. I had such high expectations of myself and was so sure that I met them, that it didn't seem unfair that I held other people to a similar stratospheric standard. When I truly saw my hopes, they were inadequate. I couldn't play the role I wanted to in changing other people to conform to my dream. I couldn't hold on to the hope of relationships and a future that were completely outwith my control. So I let go. And became hope-less. But not for long. Because I looked to the source of hope, and found a bounteous supply that I could reach for. Hopes that were good. Hopes that held true promise. Hope that didn't depend on me being in control. The things I had hoped for kept me straddled to the past. When I saw the fruit of that arrangement: despair, despondency, yearning, pain, it didn't seem so attractive. Moving into a new hope and a new future and new desires took courage but was worth it. I don't even know anymore what my hopes are specifically. But I know in whom my hope lies. And He brings forth good fruit: love, joy, peace, patience, goodness, kindness, self-control. I want my future to be filled with the hope of these things. The hope of the gifts He offers, the hope of something new.