This is familiar pain but from a different source. I remember the last war that was like this. Attacks that confused me, that felt so undeserved. What had I done, other than exist? I was so confused, because I kept looking and looking for what I had done wrong. What they said I had done wrong, didn't seem so wrong to me, so round and round I went, trying to figure it out, with no understanding of how to get off the merry-go-round of madness.
This time I see the merry-go-round and it is clearly madness. I look to check, to see if I have done wrong. But all I see are traps. What I say or do not say - it won't matter in the end. So I don't say sorry, like I did in the last war. Because sorrys are fuel for the fire. They confirm that I am always in the wrong no matter what I've done. I won't stand for that anymore. I crawled through years of pain and heartbreak thinking I had the key to repairing what wasn't just a broken relationship but a toxic one. There is no key for toxins. There is no way around it, except to escape. I escaped and the crazy weather rolled in again.
Oh Jesus, why am I facing this again? I know I'm older, I'm stronger, I know I've learned some lessons. But I don't know how I'm supposed to walk this through to honour you. They don't even need to say the needling words. I say them to myself because I remember them being said before: You are so ungrateful
We have done so much
All we're asking is that you give us a little in return
But they don't want a little in return, they want all of me. They want me at their beck and call. They want me to exist for them.
I don't exist for them - I exist for YOU. I come to you TODAY with my sore throat and sniffles and know that I am not good enough. I know that I am tired and broken. I know that I mess up all the time. I have different priorities from other people. But I LOVE you, and I LOVE my family and I LOVE the kids I work with and I pray that I would rest, knowing that you LOVED us ALL to the end.
I will remember that you won the war.
Your post is strongly reminiscent of what my husband has gone through with his family all his life, until now. He finally realized he did not have to and is now trying to rehearse what God says about him. In fact I read Psalm 31 in my Scripture reading today and hope that it ministers to you. Check it out! Darlene Ouimet's Emerging From Broken also addresses much of this kind of pain. Yes, dear Morag, you exist for Him and His glory, and He delights in you! And His love is unconditional!
ReplyDeleteThank you Sita. I was reading Darlene's website earlier!! Psalm 31 is a good one to be reminded to go back to.
DeleteI don't have anyone warring against me, necessarily, but I still relate to your post. I have long struggled with being who I thought others wanted/demanded me to be. "I don't exist for them, I exist for You," is so powerful. Thank you!
ReplyDeleteI get the merry go round of madness. Praying you feel better soon and you are able to rest in Him! You are loved.
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