Wednesday, February 10, 2016
This is familiar pain but from a different source. I remember the last war that was like this. Attacks that confused me, that felt so undeserved. What had I done, other than exist? I was so confused, because I kept looking and looking for what I had done wrong. What they said I had done wrong, didn't seem so wrong to me, so round and round I went, trying to figure it out, with no understanding of how to get off the merry-go-round of madness.
This time I see the merry-go-round and it is clearly madness. I look to check, to see if I have done wrong. But all I see are traps. What I say or do not say - it won't matter in the end. So I don't say sorry, like I did in the last war. Because sorrys are fuel for the fire. They confirm that I am always in the wrong no matter what I've done. I won't stand for that anymore. I crawled through years of pain and heartbreak thinking I had the key to repairing what wasn't just a broken relationship but a toxic one. There is no key for toxins. There is no way around it, except to escape. I escaped and the crazy weather rolled in again.
Oh Jesus, why am I facing this again? I know I'm older, I'm stronger, I know I've learned some lessons. But I don't know how I'm supposed to walk this through to honour you. They don't even need to say the needling words. I say them to myself because I remember them being said before: You are so ungrateful
We have done so much
All we're asking is that you give us a little in return
But they don't want a little in return, they want all of me. They want me at their beck and call. They want me to exist for them.
I don't exist for them - I exist for YOU. I come to you TODAY with my sore throat and sniffles and know that I am not good enough. I know that I am tired and broken. I know that I mess up all the time. I have different priorities from other people. But I LOVE you, and I LOVE my family and I LOVE the kids I work with and I pray that I would rest, knowing that you LOVED us ALL to the end.
I will remember that you won the war.