Let it go - Whitespace Thursday

Everyone who has young children knows that life is all about Disney's Frozen right now.

The Princess hosted a birthday party for the young maiden last week and the last ten minutes were easily filled with this:

Much dancing, prancing and merriment were had by the young people and the Princess sat and smiled and had a moment of joy at bringing all the fun together.

As easily as the Princess can sing along, it is so much harder to take the message of the song to heart and actually LET THINGS GO.

When you've felt trapped for so long in an identity that didn't come from a place of freedom, how do you let it go?  How do you discover who you are meant to be?  "A kingdom of isolation"?  Yep, she knows all about that; Princess Morag could share the throne with Queen Elsa!

• Do you know 'the real you'?  

The Princess has been pondering this question as it arose from Bonnie Gray's story in Finding Spiritual Whitespace.

"Spiritual Whitespace is a journey to discover the authentic you"*

Are there memories in your past that you've chosen not to remember?  Things that make you feel small and broken and helpless?  Times that were filled with so much pain that it is easier to live as if they didn't happen.

"Perfect peace from God isn't found by forgetting.  Peace is ours if we dare to remember our pain and our sorrow, and experience our fears fully with Jesus.  Shalom peace from God is a putting back together."*

We cannot let something go if we are pretending it doesn't exist.  In order to let something go, we have to pick it up one more time and give it to the one person who can help us heal.  The ultimate healer.

"Jesus is leading us to the operating room of grace"*

Or have you been doing the opposite of pretending it's not real and anxiously reliving a memory over and over because if you forgot, then you would be forgetting your very self.  A memory so powerful that it has come to define you.

For a time, the Princess saw herself as a 'memory keeper'.  She took on the responsibility of remembering the things that everyone else wanted to forget.  Everyone else wanted to pretend like they didn't happen.  The Princess strongly resisted this desire for the past to be wiped out.  If that past had not happened she would not have existed!  So she clung to the memories that she knew were true.  They might not have been particularly happy - but they were important.  

But what if the Princess didn't have to use up all her energy being the memory-keeper.  What if there was someone else who had been there, and could store those memories without cost?

"We can move on because God does not forget .  We can accept the unacceptable because we aren't invisible." *

The Princess is at last recognising her need to "let it go".  Thanks to Bonnie Gray's words, she knows she isn't alone in taking this kind of whitespace journey, and she wasn't alone in those times in her past when she felt so alone.  Her "Abba Daddy" was with her and knowing that allows her to follow the same path as Bonnie into the freedom of discovering her real self.

*All quotes from Finding Spiritual Whitespace.

Nothing special - Whitespace Thursday

When you think of yourself, does "nothing special" come to mind?


The Princess has long felt that way.  Bonnie Gray in Finding Spiritual Whitespace, says it this way:

" I've carried this uneasy suspicion that I was nothing special and everyone would probably know it if I ever stopped doing and was just plain old me." (p65)

The Princess doesn't believe that 'plain old me' is good enough, she desperately wants to be special.  She thought that being a bride would cure that - it didn't.  She thought that getting pregnant would cure that - it didn't.  Sometimes she wonders if she was really ill, like with cancer or something equally terrible then she would be special.

That last if is the one that made her realise that her thinking might be flawed somewhere.  Does she really have a death wish to be special?

What does 'special' really mean to the Princess if she wants it that much?!

It means:

• having someone's attention,
• being listened to, 
• having her needs anticipated or at least considered.
• someone thinking she is lovely, 
• someone wanting to spend lots of time with her. 
• someone giving her gifts.  
• someone giving her a compliment just to see her smile. 
• someone telling her a joke just to make her laugh.

If your life is filled with people who do these things above, who think you are special - be thankful you are so fully blessed. They are not commonplace in the Princess's life. But it's funny, because "nothing special" is no longer just a judgmental whisper in her mind, it is also a song lyric.  And the song is one of the Princess's favourites and it lifts her spirits.  Because there is an antidote to "nothing special", and it is found in the Abba song: Thank You For The Music.

She starts singing that she's "nothing special" and then the magical word appears "but" - she might be nothing special, she might not be able to tell a joke, but she "has a talent, a wonderful thing".  And her talent of singing and dancing was recognised very early in her life by her mother, then presumably encouraged and celebrated.  She also acknowledges that she is lucky in terms of her physical appearance "I'm the girl with golden hair".

It can be so easy to just be jealous of someone like Agnetha Faltskog and dismiss ourselves as forever talentless and without any outstanding features.  But is that really true?  Or is it just that we've never be given the chance to figure out how we are special.  What is the Princess's talent?  What can she do that brings her joy?

Is it true for us, like Bonnie:

"Nothing special was the voice of the little girl in me.  Waiting to be loved and seen." (p66)

Will you stop and listen to the little-girl-you today?


What did you love as a very young child?


What did she dream of?


Even if she was discouraged by people then, how can you encourage her today?

Learning to dance in the rain - Whitespace Thursday

I've spent most of my life holding my breath.  Rarely feeling safe enough to exhale, never mind to actually rest.

Despite being an optimist, I am not often a happy one; most of the time my most positive emotion is relief.  Relief that maybe, at last, someone might listen to me.  Maybe, at last, the time of crisis is over.  Maybe, at last, I have some time to myself.  And then I use that time to grieve for all the hard stuff I've been through, before it starts all over again.  Lurching from one crisis or difficult phase to another, I've begun to realise that constantly waiting for the calm after the storm and before the next might not be the best way to live.

The new journal I bought says

 "We are NOT here to wait for the storm to pass but to learn to dance in the rain".

Since moving to the new realm, I hardly ever see actual raindrops fall from the sky.  But the storms of life are just as common above my head here as they were in the old realm.  Soon after moving, I determined that I would live my life more restfully, more peacefully, more quietly, in the hope that it would soothe my soul.  I have prioritised rest, I have as peaceful a life as I can with the two small people and one big person I live with, I savour the quiet when it comes, but I still struggle with unrest in my soul.

I WANT to know how to dance in the metaphorical rain (I've done the literal version).  I'm hoping that I might find the key in the spiritual whitespace Bonnie Gray talks about in her new book.

In her story I am finding strong echoes of my own.  She doesn't promise me solutions.  She offers only "whispers, etched in pain".  But these I trust.  If I speak in my "full voice", when I utter truth from my heart, it is never loud.  I too, can only offer a whisper of wisdom, or confession.

And I too, know what it feels like to be unwanted.  I know the longing of wanting to be known but the overwhelming fear of the transparency that requires.  Her gentle prompts to open up to Jesus, and to find the little girl deep inside me - they reverberate in my soul.  They help me to believe that hard work, self-sufficiency and "getting on with it" are not necessarily the most helpful practices when trying to move past the wounds of the past.  I appreciate her guidance, knowing that she also is a wounded warrior on this pilgrimage of life.

The idea of stepping into 'whitespace' is quite daunting, and yet inviting.  A place where 'being seen' is valued at the cost of our hiding places.  Striving to survive was not my life's goal, yet it is the place I find myself.  I long to be saved, mostly from myself.  So I take Bonnie's challenge to find spiritual whitespace and the gentle mercy of Jesus within it.  I will stop seeking my own solutions and listen for my Saviour's voice.

Jesus promised us 'trouble' in this life, but He also promised He would be present with us.  In all my lonely wonderings about life in the old realm, I forget that He knows, He was there with me, and still is now.

I don't know how to dance in the rain yet, but maybe I  hear a few musical notes floating in my direction.  And I think my toes are starting to tap!  I'll let you know when I've learned a few steps.

Time to sleep? time to rest? or time to remember? - Whitespace Thursday

This week the Princess is claiming sleep as her superpower!  This has happened before (she knows never to take two Benadryl again if she wants to be conscious) but this time it was due to some virus that made her stomach ache but mostly made her crave her bed.  Sir Rianus was slightly perturbed that she was spending so long in slumberland; he claimed it was because he missed her, the Princess is sure he is jealous of her superpower!

Sleep is good, the Princess has always believed so.  It was prescribed to her by her mother as a cure all and it worked fairly well.  Naps have still be known to get the Princess out of a terrible funk sometimes.  But even though the last couple of years have featured a decent night's rest most of the time (unlike when the wee man and little maiden were babes) the Princess still longs for rest.  She can often sleep through noise and light or in strange conditions but she finds it harder to rest in those circumstances.  What she is really looking for is:

"Space to breathe, to feed her soul, and dream dreams."*

This is more elusive to the Princess than sleep.


Princess Morag had been looking forward to this morning as finally her chance to rest.  Finally, there would be some peace and quiet as Sir Rianus was returning to work.  Not to be - the wee man came down with the sickness so the Princess is not alone, and it is not quiet.

But she is here, and she is fighting to maintain her concentration and be creative.  It is not the same though.  The Princess knows her limits.  When her son is present, her radar is switched on, and she cannot rest.  She remembers those long years of his baby and toddler-hood when she could never rest.  She discovered her supercapacity to be hypervigilant.  That's tiring to read, never mind operate your life on!

Only one person knew that she was suffering so much, that she was completely strung out.  He met her in tears of grief and exhaustion.  He met her at the moments when everything was too much.  She wasn't always aware that He was there.  But now that she looks back, it's the only explanation for how she kept going.  She would reach breaking point and then someone would get sick, or Sir Rianus was going to be late home, and she just had to "get on with it" as her mother would always say for another day, another week....

This morning, she is in that same place, of knowing that she needs a break, a rest, and it might not be coming as soon as she would like.  But He is here, He is her strength.  He will help her to keep going.  He will give her the love they need from her.  She trusts in this more now.  She believes He is faithful, because she remembers.

And there might not be a whole hour, but there will be moments of quiet.  There will be time to sit with a cup of coffee and read a little, an interruption probably guaranteed but Princess Morag is getting better at telling Princess Perfectionist to hush and take a break.  It might not be exactly what she wanted out of the time, but it will be enough.

*From Finding Spiritual Whitespace by Bonnie Gray

Alone? - Whitespace Thursday

I went alone.  I invited four people.  Three couldn't make it and one didn't reply.  I didn't mind going alone, it had been my original idea.  But then I thought it might be nice to invite a friend.  I thought inviting four people increased the odds that at least one person might come.  It didn't turn out that way.

For a few hours I felt sad and hurt and rejected.  These were familiar feelings, but it had been a while.  A while since I'd allowed myself to be vulnerable to ask someone for something.  A while since the rejection that I feared, came.  I was pretty sure it wasn't personal, they weren't trying to avoid me.  And when my heart reacted in the same painful manner as in the past, I didn't like myself.

Making my mind up to do it anyway.  Making my mind up to not let myself wallow in bitterness.  Making my mind up that I should do the thing I wanted to do - that was the important thing.  So I got ready.  And I went.  And I was glad.


I sat at the back of the movie theater, in the left corner.  It was a good view.  The small theater was bustling and at the end there was a smattering of applause and some cheering.  They were vocal in their agreement that 'Heaven is for real'.  I agreed too, but slipped out quietly instead of hollering!

When I reached home, I sat in the car for a while.  There were a lot of thoughts and feelings that had arisen.  I had found it frustrating that there could be so little belief within a 'Christian' community.  But the characters in the movie, based on real people, were not saints.  They were just regular people.  And the humanness that was portrayed was heartening.  Trials one on top of the other had threatened to overwhelm.  Then came the voice of a child to tell them not to be afraid.  It was real, Jesus was real, he had seen him.  When each character embraced their brokenness, belief was found shortly after.  If we hide from our pain, we don't need a healer.  If we hide from our faults we don't need a redeemer.  If we hide from the fact that we are lost, we don't need a saviour.  Children naturally look to their caregivers when they are hurt, they are always conscious of the rules for behaviour (even if they don't always follow them) and they don't often go far alone.  As Jesus said, we would do well to be like little children.

"Then He called a child to Him and had him stand among them. 3 “I assure you,” He said, “unless you are converted and become like children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven. 4 Therefore, whoever humbles himself like this child—this one is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven.  "  (Matthew 18:2-4 HCSB)


But what of the little children that we never get to meet, the ones who never get the chance to grow up?  From the evidence in the movie, they go straight to be with Jesus and my heart knows they are happy there; but my heart is broken that families are missing little ones who belong to them.  I cried for the babies I knew that had gone straight to heaven, and later I realised that I must have siblings waiting to meet me there; maybe I have a sister!  Maybe, I wasn't really alone when I went out.

I believe that heaven is for real.  I believe it is closer than I think most days.

Quieting - Whitespace Thursday

He cried and raged and blamed me and told me about all his terrible thoughts about me.

I hadn't committed a crime against him, I had simply said no to the thing he thought he wanted most of all.

I went about my business as he vented his feelings, then when I grew tired of his shouting I sat down beside him.

I invited him to crawl into my lap and he did.

He kept talking, he kept complaining.

I kept holding him and tried to gently correct his angry biased thinking.

Then I closed my mouth and tried to simply let my presence do the talking: my arms wrapped around him.



The impulse I had was what the Lord wants to do for us.

When we are angry, complaining children that didn't get our way.

When we're telling him that it "wasn't supposed to be this way".

When we try to bargain with Him.

When we want to throw Him out of the picture, and no longer bother having Him in our lives.

But at the same time, we're crawling into His lap in prayer.

And all He wants to do is

quiet us with His love.

(Zephaniah 3:17)