What I learned in February...

1. Despite my optimism, long delays make me doubt but sweet relief comes when everything works out in the end.
2. After a forgotten lunch, and forgotten homework, kids get with the program when mum is working. 
3. When regret turns to self-loathing, it is time to look for the deeper hurt.
4. Saying things out loud in the presence of an empathy-filled listener makes for great strides towards healing.
5. Christian radio makes commuting easy!
6. Sometimes the school district doesn't call for delayed start during random snowstorms!  

Book Review: The Prophetess

The Prophetess: Deborah's Story by Jill Eileen Smith

When I re-read the whole of the Old Testament a couple of years ago, there was a general observation and a couple of particular characters that struck and then stuck with me.  The general observation was that human beings haven't really changed; they did a lot of bad stuff back at the beginning and people do a lot of bad stuff today.  Families are messy, people are sometimes faithful and sometimes drive the other people they live with crazy!  The two characters of the Old Testament  that struck and stuck with me were Deborah and Jael (see the book of Judges).  Their stories seemed to be in stark contrast with the rest of the stories about women.  Deborah held a position of responsibility and honor and Jael's story was about violence perpetrated by her, not against her.  In a time and world where women were remembered for their relationships to the men in their lives, these two stood out as women remembered for what they had done.

I suspect Jill Eileen Smith was also struck by the recorded stories of these women, despite the brevity.  She reported it was a challenge to write a fictionalized account due to the dearth of information provided for us in the Old Testament.  I was intrigued to read what she imagined their lives to be like.  I was immediately drawn into the story.  Timeless themes of coming of age, and suitability of spouse kept me engaged with the characters.  Family themes of parent/child dynamics were also explored to good effect.  Do I know if the thoughts and speech are anywhere close to authentic for the time and culture?  No.  But I could relate to situations and they made me care about what happened to them. Smith even succeeded in keeping me in suspense despite knowing what happened in the end!

I would recommend this book as an interesting read, I have thought back to it many times since finishing and I always like a book that makes me think.


[I received a complementary copy of this book from the publisher in exchange for this honest review.]

Waiting #OneWordCoffee

Waiting for the mail to come or the phone to ring.
Always expectant, rarely receiving.
When there is a note, a message or call,
It is not from you.

Food on the table, I should always be grateful.
My stomach was full, but my soul was empty.

I had important questions, you liked to give answers.
But they were answers for you, not answers for me.
You thought you knew me so well,
But I know now that was not true.

You thought me manipulative just for displaying emotions.
Then you dismissed them as 'silly' and I learned they were wrong.
There was the strange dissonance between my tears and your laughter.
It was never funny for me.

I wait.  And wait and feel disappointment.
I am not surprised at the lack, there was always neglect.
I start to hate myself for wanting and waiting and feeling.
Shouldn't I be over this by now?

Getting worked up about something I did 'wrong'.
Inconsolable, I start to feel curious.
My reaction is out of sync with my 'sin'.
I look underneath and find the old pain.
I don't want to, but I let myself feel it.
It grips my stomach and I silently scream.

It doesn't last as long this time.
Maybe this process is moving along.
Healing the little girl, who is hiding within.

Sitting in the dark closet, I learn to reveal.
The truth that is there, if I let myself feel.

Near #OneWordCoffee

Thank you Jesus for the gift of joy today, on my birthday.
I'm sure you offer me this gift every day but so often I have my hands full.
On other birthdays my hands have been full of hurt and my heart full of disappointment.

I am so glad that I have put those down so my hands can receive your joy and in my heart, your love.
Thank you for being near to me when many I love are so far away.

Remember #onewordcoffee

This is familiar pain but from a different source.  I remember the last war that was like this.  Attacks that confused me, that felt so undeserved.  What had I done, other than exist?  I was so confused, because I kept looking and looking for what I had done wrong.  What they said I had done wrong, didn't seem so wrong to me, so round and round I went, trying to figure it out, with no understanding of how to get off the merry-go-round of madness.

This time I see the merry-go-round and it is clearly madness.  I look to check, to see if I have done wrong.  But all I see are traps.  What I say or do not say - it won't matter in the end.  So I don't say sorry, like I did in the last war.  Because sorrys are fuel for the fire.  They confirm that I am always in the wrong no matter what I've done.  I won't stand for that anymore.  I crawled through years of pain and heartbreak thinking I had the key to repairing what wasn't just a broken relationship but a toxic one.  There is no key for toxins.  There is no way around it, except to escape.  I escaped and the crazy weather rolled in again.

Oh Jesus, why am I facing this again?  I know I'm older, I'm stronger, I know I've learned some lessons.  But I don't know how I'm supposed to walk this through to honour you.  They don't even need to say the needling words.  I say them to myself because I remember them being said before:  You are so ungrateful
We have done so much
All we're asking is that you give us a little in return

But they don't want a little in return, they want all of me.  They want me at their beck and call.  They want me to exist for them.

I don't exist for them - I exist for YOU.  I come to you TODAY with my sore throat and sniffles and know that I am not good enough.  I know that I am tired and broken.  I know that I mess up all the time.  I have different priorities from other people.  But I LOVE you, and I LOVE my family and I LOVE the kids I work with and I pray that I would rest, knowing that you LOVED us ALL to the end.

I will remember that you won the war.

Pregnant with grace

Do you ever see a pregnant woman and wish that you too were swollen with life?  She is so obviously fruitful.  Every part of her body is working hard to nurture her little one within her and it seems like you drag your redundant body around in the world and are about as salubrious as candy.

But surely babies are not the only fruit that women bear?  Not the only fruit, but some might argue the most important.  When we think of Mary, mother of Jesus we might think first of her physical fruit-bearing i.e. she bore Jesus as the 'fruit of her womb'.  So that makes her womb the most important and fruitful part of her, right? So that means the most important and fruitful part of every woman is her womb?  I don't think so!  Because when we meet Mary, she is not yet pregnant.  The fruit of her lips is obedience.  And the fruit of her heart is love for God.  The pregnancy that follows makes her 'full of grace', because she is full of Jesus.  We too can be full of Jesus.  He promised that He would make His home in us.  We can produce life-giving fruit with thoughts and obedient lips that proclaim all things true, noble, right, pure, lovely and admirable (Philippians 4:8).   We can offer the fruit of forgiving others because our heart is full of gratitude that God has forgiven us through Jesus.

The very real sacrifices of pregnancy and motherhood can teach us many things but they are not the only means God uses to teach us and bear fruit.  He could only be contained in Mary's womb because He chose to be, for a time.  Now, He chooses to bear fruit in His church and in each member of His body whether they have a womb or not.

Today #OneWordCoffee

Today I was fully present where I was.
Being afraid of being hit at any moment makes that easier.
But the faces of those around me changed.
Before lunch we were strangers to one another
And stranger equaled danger.
After lunch, I felt a shift.
I remembered names.
I knew who was a flight risk.
I tried to stay conscious of the sleeping enemy.
And I could see personalities starting to shine through.
He loves to color and to complete.
He has extra energy and high fives are a highlight.
He loves stimming but also a squeeze of affection.
Being outside is good all round.

They left on their buses.
I'll see them tomorrow.

Rest #OneWordCoffee

My chance to choose was circumvented.

Looking forward to quiet and restful.

A surprise instead left chaos in its wake.

Afterwards, it came back to bite.

The anxiousness fed by the desire to be liked.

To be loved.

To be noticed.

Skipping meals again.

No appetite for the invisible girl.

I am merely a listening ear.

No need to fill a stomach.

But in the evenings I long for taste,

so I satisfy my tongue with the tang of salt and vinegar.

I notice the pattern.

So I make soup.

But now that I've noticed myself,

My stomach is full.

Not with food, but anger.

The rest is not found while sitting and reading.

It is found in walking and praying and breathing.

The sun shines on me, reminding me of God's power.

The clouds have lifted.  Gone is the grey.

Except in my soul.

It still feels grey.

It has shadows.

The pain runs round and round inside.

When I think on those things, there is no place to rest.

In other memories, there is pause.

She stroked my hair.

He looked out for me.

She walked alongside me.

I was held.

I was noticed.

I was known.

I was cared for.

Those who showed me what love is.

They taught me how to rest.

One Word 2016: Pasture

It's snowing again.  Did you know it can snow in the desert?  The princess moved from the lush old realm that was covered in green grass with practically permanent grey skies to the yellow land that is always bathed in blue skies and sunshine with only an occasional cloud.  But the desert she moved to was high desert, and she was led into the valley, hemmed in on both sides by the highest mountains she has ever seen.  And almost four years later, she was led north.  Still hemmed in by the mountains but they are not quite so overwhelmingly high.  And still desert, but it seems that the drought is coming to an end.

Is that a sign?  The end of the drought?  The princess sees it that way.  You do know that rain means blessings right?  Something she always took for granted in the old realm.  You don't think about how precious a raindrop is when they are given with such generosity.  Your daily bread, your daily rain - so easy to take for granted.  Try living in drought!  It took such getting used to, the princess used to get this restless feeling in the first year, when it wouldn't rain.  She would long for it, and then when it came it felt like such a relief.  All that waiting for something that used to be such a frequent occurrence.

In drought you become dependent.  You depend on the sprinklers to keep the grass and plants alive.  You depend on the stored water, and as you watch the reservoirs and lakes dry up, there is a realisation that as humans we are not self-sufficient.  We prayed for rain and snow and then watched other regions receive and still we were in drought.  But this year, it seems that our prayers are answered.  And this year, the princess is praying one word: pasture.

She has attempted to live self-sufficiently for too long.  She has learned in her desert life, that she does not have the resources on her own to live fruitfully.  She is learning to pray her way into her future and depend on God for the answer, for His blessings to fall on her like the rain.  More than anything, she wants to follow her shepherd to the pasture where she can graze in safety.  This year, there are new things to learn, new experiences that could threaten to overwhelm.  Yet, if she stays near the shepherd, she knows he will not let her go wrong.  She wants to know his voice, she wants to be in the right place at the right time.  She wants to remain in the pasture and not go astray.

"I am the gate; whoever enters through me will be kept safe.  They will come in and go out, and find PASTURE."  John 10:9 (NIV)

A prayer for the New Year

You would know we live here because we don't tidy up.
Crusts on plates, socks on the floor, crumbs and crayons,
Yet, you are welcome through the door.
More space than we had dared hope for but fewer dollars in the bank.  
We are grateful nevertheless and offer God our thanks.

Next year, in Your graciousness, I would ask for only one thing.
Peace in this family and in each person's heart. 
The ability to rest in You and that nothing keeps us apart.

Letting go of expectations is hard, but it's the only thing to do.
All I want in 2016 is more and more of You.
Whether I meet you in these I live with, or in the faces in a classroom, 
I want to get to know more people and shine the light of You.

I know now I can't be the fixer.  
The Holy Spirit is not me. 
But He can be IN me and change the only heart I can give: my own.

And one last thing I ask, 
That You would help me to be,
someone who not only gives, but receives.
After the snow melts, let there be springs of living water.

HOPE #OneWordAdvent

What do you do when you have lost hope?  In the past, I clung on to the hopes I had for relationships, for my future and for what I thought I wanted.  But gradually I have lost those hopes.  They have evaporated like steam from a kettle.  Because those hopes, that I thought were so important and central to my life, were not real hope.  They were not based on reality.  The people involved never behaved the way I thought they should, the way I really, really wanted them to.  Then it turned out that I wasn't even the person I thought I should be either.  I had such high expectations of myself and was so sure that I met them, that it didn't seem unfair that I held other people to a similar stratospheric standard.  When I truly saw my hopes, they were inadequate.  I couldn't play the role I wanted to in changing other people to conform to my dream.  I couldn't hold on to the hope of relationships and a future that were completely outwith my control.  So I let go.  And became hope-less.  But not for long.  Because I looked to the source of hope, and found a bounteous supply that I could reach for.  Hopes that were good.  Hopes that held true promise.  Hope that didn't depend on me being in control.  The things I had hoped for kept me straddled to the past.  When I saw the fruit of that arrangement:  despair, despondency, yearning, pain, it didn't seem so attractive.  Moving into a new hope and a new future and new desires took courage but was worth it.  I don't even know anymore what my hopes are specifically.  But I know in whom my hope lies.  And He brings forth good fruit:  love, joy, peace, patience, goodness, kindness, self-control.  I want my future to be filled with the hope of these things.  The hope of the gifts He offers, the hope of something new. 

What I learned in November

• It is certainly very difficult, but not impossible for me to ask for help...even if it means making a phone call.

• Every month seems to go faster than the last.

• Thankfully third graders don't eat substitute teachers, or even give them a really hard time.

• My kid is not the only kid who gets invisible and momentarily severe injuries and then are fine following two minutes of sympathy and pretending like you care.  

• It is easier to be patient in a classroom than in your own home. 

• Even after ten years of celebrating, I'm still getting used to the whole Thanksgiving holiday.

• It seems we are just going to be just our little family for Christmas this year - first time ever.  Ideas for how to make the most of this are welcome!

Cheer

You know those weeks where each day is like walking through sand, it is hard to get up, and then when you are oh-so-glad to get to bed sleep eludes you.  The princess was having one of those weeks last week.  Hope seemed like a tiny speck in the distance that she was desperately trying to focus on, but the heavy fog was immediately apparent.  The usual routine was interrupted by a middle of the week holiday making everything more confused.  She made it to Thursday and was slogging through what needed to be done, feeling unappreciated in every way when a bright moment of literal cheer broke through the darkness.  On the way to karate for the wee man, with the little maiden in tow along with her homework, the back of the car was suddenly filled with beautiful voices in unison chanting "Mummy is the best, Mummy is the best"!!  The grin that broke out on Princess Morag's face could not have been any wider, and her heart swelled with the love that was being sown.  She received it from her children and knew that it's source was higher and bigger than that.  Thankful for the grace just when she needed it, she was re-energized and her soul sustained.

Then, on Sunday after the church and supermarket marathon, the princess noticed that Sir Rianus looked a little beleaguered so she called on the cheer squad to work their magic again - waiting at the stop light with "Daddy is the best" ringing in his ears, Sir Rianus' face was transformed from careworn, to delight.  Life is much better when you have people cheering behind you!

The testimony of soup and bread

The feeling has been nagging in the last few weeks at the Princess.  The dwindling bank balance has been fanning the flame of fear.  Her ears pricked up at church last Sunday when exhorted to follow the example of the poor widows in the readings.  The widow who was ready to prepare her last meal and succumb to the slow death of starvation met Ezekiel and the widow who put in her whole livelihood to the collection box was praised by Jesus.  These women looked scarcity in the eye and gave their last crumb away, trusting in God.  Faith is about what we don't see.

The Princess can't see the future, she can't see the provision that can/might/will happen.  She sees the lack and feels the heavy weight of responsibility and shame.  And with the weight and the shame comes the demon of disordered eating.  Coffee = compulsory and breakfast optional.  Lunch is small but an afternoon snack is fine.  Dinner in the company of others is easier.  She recognises the signs and knows her temptation.

The answer - admitting to herself the weakness.  Understanding that there is no easy route towards the destination of trust over temptation.  And continuing to cultivate the habit of self-care.  The first step was buying the leeks and potatoes.  Soup in the land of disordered eating is a gold mine - it is healthy and doesn't really feel like proper food.  She bought them in faith, that somehow she would find the strength and determination to chop and cook.  Three days later and she did.  Lifting the load of the breadmaker from the cupboard was another act of faith.  Flour, sugar, dried milk, salt, water, yeast - the routine came back.

With a stomach full of simple but good things the Princess praises God.  He is with her and she is more cognizant of that now than in previous years.  She is more inclined to believe in His love and provision and the pot full of soup and bag of bread testify to that.

Family - Five Minute Friday

Family - Five Minute Friday  

Princess Morag has always been fascinated by her daughter's focus on family.  Ever since the little maiden could talk, she would point to groups of things and label them as a family.  E v e r y t h i n g would get this treatment: food on a plate, pictures in a book, poop in her potty!!!

Six years later and the not-quite-so-little maiden has kept up this trait.  Her favourite thing to draw is the family she is a part of, with everyone wearing their favourite colour and the princess and little maiden with matching long brown hair and fantastic long eye lashes!

It seems, to the princess, that her daughter's preoccupation with family is a gift.  It helps her believe that the four members of their nuclear family can be united even when their personalities cause frequent conflict or self-isolation.   Through the little maiden's eyes, nothing trumps family and she sees it everywhere.

Calling - Five minute free writes

The princess heard someone call their calling something they "couldn't not do".  The double negative was apparently a key way to express it from their point of view.  She can relate to this in a way.  She didn't think she had 'the calling' to be a teacher before this year.  She didn't find the enormous workload and responsibility an attractive career prospect...and yet, here she finds herself happy accepted on an alternative route to teaching licensure course/track/program - thing.  But she hasn't applied to general teaching, she has applied for special education teaching which would seem an even more pressure filled prospect.  She even said in her application that

"Managing multiple ability levels and addressing issues of motivation and challenging behavior are the kinds of demanding tasks that I find stimulating."  

And it's true - they are!  Not one to live the boring life, Princess Morag recently pinpointed the cause of her general lethargy - not enough brain stimulation.  Studying for her Praxis - core for Educators exam has proven to be a good antidote for this condition.

 

What I learned in September

• When the season changes it makes me homesick, really, really homesick.

• Related - flights home are even more ridiculously expensive than they used to be :(

• Since using my brain to study, I have been happier.  Ditto when reading more.

• I could download a copy of my new health insurance card from their website instead of waiting for it in the mail.

• Trimming my daughter's hair was easy peasy.

• When you lack confidence in making a decision, you end up having to enter an internet order three times.

• I was reminded that library sales are the best (and Andre Agassi's autobiography is really rather good).

• McCafe (Premium roast - medium) coffee is my favourite brand to drink at home.

• It's actually possible for us to do low key family activities at the weekend. e.g. go to library, watch airshow from park.

• Involving two other households in your search for your degree certificate means it will, of course, turn up at your own house but you are grateful you found it and that others love you enough to look!

Book Review - Girl Meets Change

Girl Meets Change: Truths to carry you through life's transitions  by Kristen Strong.  

This book seemed like the perfect read for this changing season in my life.  Having recently moved to a new city and state, everything feels different again and the echoes of my continent-change came crashing back to mind.

It's been a few months since we moved, which places me right in what Kristen aptly calls the "murky middle".  During my reading of the book, a few things happened to illuminate the murk, but when I started reading I very much felt in the dark and alone.  Having been told as a child that my best strategy in life is "just to get on with things", I was struck by the kinder counsel in the book to

"Get through it by giving yourself grace amidst the blur.  Get through it by acknowledging the hard feelings while holding on to God's truth.  And remember, he's holding you too. "  p65

Her constant reminders of God's goodness, and how He remembers us, and wants to bless us, helped me to keep trusting when it was hard.  Thankfully, she also made plenty of provision for the times in life where change does appear disastrous and she didn't sugar coat those instances or try to cope with them using 'Christianese'.  Her call to faith and courage in the face of change was realistic:

"Bravery is not the absence of fear but following God through the fear as you believe God's promises.  It's holding on to the facts of our faith more tightly than to our fears for the future..." p148

Kristen made good use of her own story and those of others to illustrate her points in the book.  Sometimes it is easier to connect with the truth when we see how others have done so.  The idea that change can be good is easier for some people than others, and although nobody likes the bad change, seeing the fruit of growth within it, does make it a little more palatable.

The (slightly less) murky middle continues in my life.  And the changes are happening more slowly than I expected, but I am learning to be grateful alongside my impatience!  This book has in a large part, helped change my attitude in that regard.  

With thanks to Revell for my free copy in exchange for my honest review.

What I learned in August

1. Hosting a party is fun until everyone leaves and then I mourn the goodbyes intensely for 24 hours.
2. School supply shopping is ridiculously stressful.  But shout out to Office Depot for having the multiplication flashcards I couldn't find anywhere else!
3. If you don't have friends yet, school sucks.
4. Once you get friends at school, it sucks a little less.
5. I get depressed when I'm home alone, and still don't do the housework.
6. Screaming and crying in the car is cathartic when you are particularly irked by a situation.
7. Good teachers are a lifesaver.
8. Tantrums and intense emotions....apparently they are par for the course when you have a gifted child (or were a gifted child).
9. You can't hide your stress from a massage therapist!
10. Settling in a new city takes a lot longer than I want it to.

Celebration - #whole mama

• Today I celebrate eight years of motherhood.  Somehow eight years seem weighty, like it deserves a graduation or something!

• Today was also back to school - definitely worthy of celebration! 

• It was day one at a new school and nobody cried or had a terrible time- woohoo!

• I became an auntie for the 4th time to a lovely nephew.  He is far away and I can't cuddle him, but I got to see him on skype :)
• In the last two days I was tempted into a spiral of shame and self-loathing and managed to keep myself from going down that slippery slope - VICTORY!
• My husband diverted young master away from tantrum at key moment.