Home Alone

The princess can hear the washing machine busily spinning and sloshing the water around, but the noise does not intrude on her sense of quiet within herself.  For as much noise as it makes, it does not disturb in the way the presence of another person would.  For the second time this summer she is home alone and it is wonderful.  The couch cushions are straightened, the counter is wiped, the dishes are done, the cereal that always makes it to the floor, and crumbs have been swept up.  The smell of coffee revives her and the Princess can breathe a little easier although allergies have returned to make respiration a little uncomfortable.

The children will return and with them, spills, crumbs and the continuous sound of people singing minecraft parodies from her ipod.  In time those songs will remind her of this summer, the soundtrack of 2015.  Just the same as she remembers the Thomas songs, Dinosaur train and Wonder Pets.  And even though the kids don't remember, before that were the treats of CBeebies in the old realm: Balamory, the goodnight song and Boogie Beebies.  Those oldest ones are the ones that make her tear up.  The soundtrack of the sleep deprivation years.  The years where she and the little ones were just getting acquainted.  The years when there was no such thing as alone time.  Ever.

When she's home alone, Princess Morag can reflect on her life and remember the good things and be thankful for the people that share this home.  When everything is noisy and her permission for this that and the other is constantly being sought followed by impassioned protesting if she does not immediately say yes, it is harder to hold on to a spirit of gratitude.

To keep her sense of internal quiet while all the external noise is present - that is the true challenge.  God help her.

linking up today with #wholemama

Better (a revisit)

This was a timely message from faithbarista!  Princess Morag is entering a new phase of life, and her word for 2015 was "better".  Yet, she was getting caught in the barbs of trying to make a "plan".  She might not be noted as being the most organised person in the world, but always she has had a plan in her head for what is next, what she will do in the future.  But in surrendering her all to Jesus, she has tried not to freak out and fret about the next thing, trying, trying, trying to let him show her the next step.   And she thinks she's found it, and she probably wouldn't have picked it for herself, but it is ticking all the boxes of good things except for the one where she identifies with the title.  The Princess has been going around for years since graduating university and most of her friends went off to teach thinking to herself "I'm not a teacher" and now she is planning on embarking on a teaching career!! But God seems to be messing with all her "not a....." statements recently.

Having a plan was always the Princess' answer to her anxiety but it wasn't exactly a comfort.  A signpost does not bring comfort.  Maybe a moment of relief if you know which direction to go but standing under a signpost, is nothing compared to someone standing beside you saying that they know which way to go and they will take you there.  Being self-sufficient can make you feel strong and proud but then in those moments where the strong and proud feelings give way to uncertainty and weakness sitting at the foot of a signpost is not as appealing as being wrapped in arms of love.

Princess Morag didn't really know that those arms of love were being offered for most of her life.  She still almost doesn't believe that they are there for her.  She is not sure how able she is to rest in them, when it feels awkward and new.  Shouldn't she being doing something?  Or explaining why she is so tired and that's why she had to stop?  Shouldn't she write some lists and check stuff off?

Looking to the face of the one she loves and resting her eyes on Him, she finds that there is no condemnation there.  No "why didn't you do...?"  She doesn't feel hurried, there are no demands.  Just an invitation to be with Him.  This is the kind of 'better' she needs in her life.  Better isn't the new house, new city, new plan.  Better is a person.  His name is Jesus.

What I've learned in June

• moving is exhausting.  Not just all the packing and cleaning and lifting and shifting.  But the being in a new environment too.  I am sensitive to change and being in a new place, especially a messy one taxes me greatly.  #highlysensitiveperson
• Saying goodbye is important.  My instinct is to slink away, unnoticed.  But it is never a satisfying experience.  I always resent the people I cared about because they 'should' have thrown me a party.  [Actually that did happen once, it was so wonderfully kind.] I organized a going away party for my kids and their friends.  One of my children appreciated it, and one of them was on sensory/people overload and hated it after the event but appeared to enjoy it at the time!  I was still glad I did it.
• Hot weather makes my feet swell and I am generally lethargic.  This is not new information to me this summer, but somehow I'm still slightly surprised but mostly annoyed.  Why do I live in the desert??
• Lego camp for my son was indeed an ideal introduction to his new school/city/peers.
• 12ft trampolines are enormous, especially in a relatively modest sized back yard.
• kindleunlimited is awesome! Both for me and for my minecraft-fan-fiction-reading son!
• I need Jesus!  We didn't go to church for a couple of weeks due to moving and concert in Las Vegas going and I really, really missed it. I managed to sneak to a Vigil service the weekend we were moving and gratefully (with tears) received Eucharist. It wonderfully satisfied my famished soul.
• I've learned to listen to my anxiety, for the Faith Barista tells me it is signaling something that is important to me.  For most of my life, I've told my anxiety to go away, squashed it down and told it to stop being silly. It's not being silly, it's being a signal.  And noticing it, acknowledging it, and stopping to listen to myself is revolutionary in terms of living in freedom.

Linking up with Emily P Freeman

Fear - Five minute Friday

I felt it again.  The fear that could take a swift journey to panic.  When I named it, the fear leaked out my eyes.  I don't want to die.  I don't like uncertainty.  I could talk the truth to myself about odds and reality but the fear doesn't really listen.  It tries to hold me hostage.  Because the fear is in the past too, when I could have died, but my life was saved.  When I could have been paralysed but instead just gave birth via c-section pain free and no complications.  The fear jumps to the worst case scenario.  The fear wants me to believe that all is darkness and there is no light.  I was glad not to be alone, and the sleep came and then morning arrived with the thing that I had been anxious about that turned out to be good.  The fear is always trying to cheat me out of the good, the better, the best.  The fear wants to hold me back in case the bad thing happens.  But doing the thing anyway proves it wrong most of the time.

World - Five minute Friday

"Where in the world am I?"  It's a reasonable question to ask in Princess Morag's life.  You'd think she'd be used to living in the new realm after 3.5 years...but recently moving cities and states has called into question everything once again!  What is she doing here?  She really doesn't know, except she has to be with her little family, thankfully reunited after daddy went pilgrimaging three months before them and found their new abode.

What has this new city to offer?  Some things are the same 200 miles north of where she was.  It is still hot and absurdly sunny.  The mountains are less majestic, but still hem her in.  There is more evidence of civilization: shops etc.  There are very similar playparks but they have very high twisty slides (kind of scary from the parental point of view) and on the plus side, nice walking paths to get there.

The Princess's usual optimism is flagging a little on this new move, but her faith is still working.  She is willing to switch track in this way.  She is pretty sure that God has a better handle on why and where in the world she is.  Hopefully He'll let her in that knowledge shortly.

Book Review - "You're Loved No Matter What'

Holley's Gerth book, You're Loved No Matter What subtitled: "Freeing Your Heart from the Need to Be Perfect", perfectly summarises all the life lessons Princess Morag has been learning in the last five years.  At first, she thought that it seemed like a longer book than necessary; but in fact, Holley's writing is thorough but succinct in the message.

Perfectionism can sometimes be difficult to recognise in yourself.  It took Princess Morag a long time to realise that it was the root of her problems in her inner life, her emotions and her relationships.  As an idealist, it is unsurprising that it would be an issue, but however it disguises itself, it is not the answer to life.  As Holley reminds us

"...you're not created to be perfect, You're created to be a person." p111.


Always trying hard, and always striving in every area of life can become so natural.  But it's not how it's supposed to be, especially in our spiritual lives.  Checkbox Christianity has never been attractive to Princess Morag, yet at times it was tempting as it seemed easier than struggling to believe in a life of love when it felt like there was so much evidence to the contrary.  Anxious to please others, Princess Morag has slowly been learning to want to please God above all others.  And God doesn't want us to be perfect before we come to Him - that would be impossible!

"...we can't make ourselves perfect-either in our identities or our behavior.  Today, tomorrow, and for eternity, Jesus alone is in charge of our perfection." p154.

This is the take home message for the Princess.  This is the reminder she needs everyday.  She does not have to be in charge of a 'family image', a 'professional demenor' or 'appearing as the perfect wife and mother'.  That is not who God made her to be.  She was made to be grown in love and perfected in grace.  Not to grow in strife and be perfectly anxious.

In chapter ten: "The Perfect Place You're Heading One Day", Holley explains how our innermost desires to be perfect and to live in a perfect world don't mean that there's something wrong with us; they are the hunger pains for heaven.  And truly, it was a relief for the Princess to read that chapter and put all those hungry feelings in that context.  The Princess has been grateful to be able to set down her perfectionism but she had not filled the gap with the hope of heaven.  It turns out to be a perfect fit.

Finally, not only does laying down perfectionism improve your own life, it helps others.  Princess Morag has observed this phenomenon recently.

"When we can embrace imperfection in life and ourselves, it makes those around us breathe a sigh of relief.  We are all insecure..."  p184.

To know we are perfectly loved, by the only one who can love perfectly, truly is freeing truth.  The Princess would like to thank Holley for her book, with it's wisdom, love and grace so that we can learn to live in them instead of our homemade perfect hell.




N.B. Princess Morag received a free copy of the  book from Revell a division of Baker Publishing Group in exchange for this review.

What I learned in January - love is patient.

Linking up with Emily @ chatting in the sky

The Princess took "love is patient" as her challenge for the month of January.  She had ample opportunity to practice this virtue every single day.  The small people in her life, her own, and the younger ones that she assists in teaching weekday mornings, helped her to grow more faithful in displaying patience.  She can't say that exasperation didn't crop up frequently as a response, but she did feel like her patience performance by the end of the month was an improvement on where she was at in the beginning!

What took the Princess by surprise was how she learned that practising patience doesn't even have to involve other people.  When she did something she deemed silly, or something that was an error of judgement that had some consequences - she was flooded with shame, but then counseled herself through, the way she would if it was someone else who had done the 'shameful' act.  Trying to patiently love herself is a new thing for Princess Morag; she is much more familiar with beating herself up, being defensive or wondering what the heck is wrong with her!

Changing those automatic thoughts about herself and others is difficult.  And knowing that no-one is likely to transform into a saint overnight is lesson one in patience, followed by taking one small step in the right direction.  Learning a 4-7-8 breathing technique was also very helpful in the progress of patience [breathe in through your nose for a count of 4, hold for 7 and breathe out through your mouth for 8]. When baseline anxiety is high, patience is almost impossible.  The Princess didn't make time for any exercise outside of daily(ish) walks but she breathes anyway, so this technique wasn't too difficult to integrate into her life.  

On reflection, the Princess is pretty sure that being patient and feeling peaceful are somehow intertwined and that making room for one, helps usher the other into the same space.  Since peace is not something that she can conjure on demand, remembering to practice patience has been a good lesson.  

Wait - Five minute Friday

WAIT!

HA!  That's what I've been doing for a long time. I was about to say I'm in the middle of waiting, but then I paused and now I wonder, if we are in fact, close to the end of waiting and that is a cheering thought.  Sir Rianus is in the last few months of his 'term employment' that brought us to the new realm.  He was able to be renewed three times.  So this is our fourth year here.  We thought we were moving soon after we got here, we didn't expect to be here this long.  So, after we moved out of the house we had rented, we moved into our apartment thinking we wouldn't be in the small space for long.  Our children have grown significantly bigger in those 2.5 years as have the number of material possessions we have attempted to cram into our living space.  And all along, we were waiting.  Waiting for the next job, waiting to know whether we would stay in this small town in the desert wildnerness and you know what.....I'm STILL WAITING!!!  Patience is such a hard virtue to learn when you want to simultaneously feel peaceful!

Beloved Brews: My one word for 2015

The Princess had a word for 2014 - it was greater.  She had hoped the greater things would be wonderful and visible changes in her life.  It didn't really turn out that way.  Not much has changed since the Princess returned from her visit to the old realm a year ago.  Circumstances are very similar with the exception that she now spends three hours of her morning in gainful employment instead of pretending that one day she will do the housework in her very small apartment.

But Princess Morag's God is greater.  She ended 2014 with the reflection that underneath the unchanging, messy, tiny apartment, ever being filled with more stuff - she has more peace.  She is calmer.  She shouts a bit less often.  She is more content.  She has more love and patience for people.  She has changed for the better.

Which leads her right into the word for 2015 - better.  God had greater plans than changing obvious outward circumstances last year.  The young maiden was suffering recently from wheezing, and the Princess was looking forward to when her wee girl was better.  And now she is.  Better is good.  Better makes you happy.  Better makes you grateful.  Better remembers how it used to be and is glad that something changed.

The Princess doesn't like change, and 2015 promises to hold some.  But if it is change for the better then it is worth it.

What I learned in September...

1. I relearned that I am human, NOT superhuman (seriously important lesson!)
2. My favourite tv programs starting back makes me really happy :D
3. Behind the scenes of The Big Bang Theory is AWESOME!! (who's jealous?!)
4. Co-workers think I'm funny :)
5. Hand clapping games with my son helps him make eye-contact and seem to fill us both with the same large amount of joy.
6. Forcing my kids (and me) to go play outside is worth it.
7. I am definitely a warm/cool-weather type person vs hot/sunny weather - I LOVE AUTUMN.
8. Seeing the glow of the pink sunrise on the mountains helps me not hate getting up early quite so much.
9. I remain marvelous at procrastination.

Linking up with Emily @ chattingatthesky.com

Time to celebrate - or is it?

I don't think I would have swapped it.  Swapped my china dog for the shiny trophy.  I was happy with the china dog, he was cute.  And I was pretty happy with second place, I knew I was good at schoolwork.  But I did wonder if my parents would have been happier if I'd been first.  I did wonder if it would have made a difference.  If there might have been a fuss made.  I didn't want a huge fuss, but a little fuss, a little celebrating; that would have been nice.

I can admit that now, but it's still hard.  I think that's when it started.  My elusive search for 'the thing' that would make them happy, make them proud, and make me special.  It's taken me more than twenty-five years to realise that it's never going to happen.  And if I'd been top of the class when I was five years old, there still wouldn't have been a fuss then either!

There's been plenty of worry over small things and minimising of things that actually were a big deal.  That has always been the pattern.  Lots of getting on with it and "Well, you'll just have to...."  The latter one was a favourite; when I was seven years old I thought it was one word - hafto.  I heard it so often, I wanted to use it in my writing vocabulary at school.  There weren't many choices, there were a lot of haftos in my young life.

That's what was important.  Doing the things I had to do, even when I didn't know why I had to do them.  The main reason why I had to do them was because of the authority of the person who was doing the asking and the futility of ever questioning why.

Now that I'm grown, I rebel against that voice in my head that says I have to do things.  As a result, my house is not very clean, my daughter often goes to school with her hair unbrushed and I haven't been to the dentist in a l o n g time.  I have tried to throw off the shackles of the haftos for the things that have more long-term significance.  I don't know if I'm making the best choices this way, but I'm making the best-I-can-do-right-now choices and aiming a little higher in the future hopefully.

Then there are the things in life (like second place prizes) that warrant a little fuss, or maybe even a big fuss....and I don't know how to do it.  I've done my best to put together some sort of birthday acknowledgments for my children and sometimes even for myself.  But I still wonder how do you do this thing called c e l e b r a t e???? Seriously people, I am actually asking!!

It is nearly the three year anniversary of this Princess moving to the new realm.  Dear readers,what should she do to mark the momentous day?

What your heart needs for the hard days - book review

Holley Gerth is like a blogging big sister.

I never had a sister, so I love to hear her nuggets of wisdom and gentle, nurturing encouragement.  She gives me hope and points me in the right direction, just when I need it the most.

For once my life is not an urgent crisis, but that means all the other things that I haven't had time for start floating back up the top of my consciousness and create some hard days where I'm trying to process and plan, and easily become discouraged.

Her latest book "What your heart needs for the hard days" dispenses her usual easy access wisdom and has hit some pretty bittersweet spots of my life in the pages that I have read so far.

I know I am not alone in finding help and solace in Holley's words so you might be excited to know that she's hosting a #bookclubforyourheart on her facebook page.

Whispers - five minute Friday

I'm joining five-minute friday again, now hosted at http://katemotaung.com/

I wanted to tell him.  I needed to tell him.  We were alone, as if it had been ordained.  It was sunrise on the beach - as romantic as it gets.  But I could only manage a whisper.  And he didn't hear me.  So I had to force my voice to form the words again, but a little louder.  "I like you".

I could admit my deepest feelings through tears and in a whisper.  She was listening intently, I didn't have to repeat myself.

They are sleeping (at last, and thank you God) and I can whisper words of love and prayers for their protection over their little heads.  Finding peace and calm that was completely elusive during their waking minutes but falls so fast with their slumber.

I whisper "help" and "thank you" sending them heavenward so often in the daily struggles.

I walk and walk and whisper Hail Marys as I process those terrible minutes when I thought she was lost.  Mary must understand, she lost Jesus and didn't find him for days until she backtracked to the temple.

I whisper to myself "you can do it" and "it's going to be okay" when I'm worried about this new step in my life.  These whispers are so much better than the internal sneers that I used to hear in my head.

What's wrong with being a baby and why is crying a crime?

Princess Morag has come across an attitude in various places in the last few years where it seems like being a baby is considered an offense and crying is a crime.  She would like to question these assumptions for a minute, as these ideas disturb her.

The princess was aware of all the parenting manuals that are available when she became pregnant and had a baby seven years ago.  But she did not take much stock in them.  She was figuring God gave mothers instincts for a reason and she intended to follow hers.  After all, her baby was a product of herself and her husband and she was the world's expert on herself and definitely in the top three for her husband!  She figured that genetics gave her a head start over professionals or "experts" who wrote a book but hadn't met any of them.

It seems like some parenting approaches involve trying to move the baby onto the next developmental stage as quickly as possible.  Princess Morag wasn't keen on that.  Change always being a trying thing, child development happened far too quickly for her liking anyway, nevermind trying to make it go faster!  Checking all the boxes wasn't her kind of approach.  Trying to survive was the main strategy.  Along with anything that meant she could get a decent amount of sleep and therefore not turn into murderous meltdown mum.

The babyhoods of the young master and the little maiden were definitely different, probably made more obvious by their proximity.  The young master had the luxury of being the first born and everyone enjoyed the benefit of a tummy full of formula making sleeping through the night more likely.  It was a different story with the young maiden.  She was always crying to be held, always crying for "mummy milk" and thought big brother was much more interesting than the prospect of lying in a crib for a nap.

Yes, the little maiden's crying was hard to deal with .  Yes, she needed the Princess a LOT, and a lot more than the Princess had anticipated.  Yes, the Princess was completely drained and exhausted, but was it the little maiden's fault?  Was her little tiny baby heart full of manipulation?  NO!  She was a baby.  Babies need adults for e v e r y t h i n g.  That's like the deal of parenthood.  You get cute little baby, then you give them everything you have and more so they grow into good adult humans.  And then after a few years they don't need you quite so much, and it feels kinda weird, but good.

But it's not like baby birds that the parent birds feed for a while and then watch them fly from the nest.  It's not as short and sweet as that.  Toddlerhood comes before independence and it is a strange planet where you have two and three year old dictators trying to run your life while relying on you to feed them and keep their little butts clean.  These are the days where they think they should be adults but simultaneously have sudden moments when they want to be babies again and drive you demented by asking for stuff and then yelling no and crying when you try to give it to them.

Understandably during these years, boundaries are important and there needs to be some persuasion for them to actually understand that ruling the universe is just not possible.  Yes, they should be encouraged to use verbal communication rather than scream and kick their little feet and run away in the opposite direction every time you ask them to do something.  Yes, they should learn how to express their feelings in ways that are deemed 'socially acceptable' but should they be shamed for the times when they act like a baby or cry??

Princess Morag is an adult and she still has days where all she wants is for someone to cradle her, and shush her, and stroke her hair and whisper that "everything is going to be ok".  She has days where she wishes she had zero responsibility and that her fairy godmother would just take care of everything.  She has days where tears could fall at any slight thing.  She is a sensitive person.  Should she be shamed for that?  She has been in the past.  But why should it be such a crime?

Emotional sensitivity and physical dependence make people uncomfortable in a world that prizes independence and emotionless problem solving.  An illness or disability that means total reliance on others (like a baby) to meet their food or hygiene needs or might limit verbal communication is deemed sufficient reason by many to not be born or to kill oneself.  Why?

Does a soul need a mouth that can proclaim with sound that it exists?  With an intelligible word and not a cry. Does a soul only count as human if it is in a body that is whole and independent?  We are all dependent on others, some a bit more so.  It is how we react to people who are limited in their human capabilities that measures OUR worthiness.  What place does kindness have in your life?  Do you time for compassion?  Are you exercising patience with yourself and others?

Babies demand with their cries that we pay attention to them and meet their needs.  But we don't want to hear them and react, because we would rather be busy being independent and meeting our own needs.  If somebody cries in response to something we said or did, it is easier to shame them for being "sensitive" than admitting that we might have been insensitive in our words or actions.

The princess is an advocate for babies and people who cry because she has been both.  Babies express honestly how they feel.  They have a need and cry till it is fixed.  For those taught to hide needs and be ashamed of tears, to return to the honesty of a baby's cry would be success, not a travesty.

What Princess Morag has learned this summer...

1. Summer with children aged 5 and 6 is easier than any of the previous summers.  [N.B. - still not easy.]

2. Princess Morag does not have the motivation to get up and out in the morning to avoid the heat later in the day unless she has an actual plan to meet up with other human beings.

3.  Roald Dahl books are as awesome as the Princess remembered (but seem shorter).

4. A new t-shirt makes her happy.

5. Swimming is much easier when you have a stronger core (for the first time in her life).

6. That wanting/wishing/hoping/praying/pretending that people will act the way you want them to is not effective.

7. Going to the beach is a lot more fun when you go with friends.

8. Exercise and time outdoors is not optional if she wants to stay sane.

9. You can make a great roast chicken in the slow cooker.

10. The car is a viable place to retreat to when the Princess is desperately trying to hang on to her last nerve and the kids are being noisy.  The thuds are still audible but not the screeching!

Linking up at chattingatthesky.com

Knocking at the door.

I wonder how many doors Joseph knocked on.
I wonder how much pain Mary was in.
How close together were her contractions?
How much time did they have?
How many times did they hear "no"?

The Princess has been applying for jobs. So has Sir Rianus. Each time, it feels like they are knocking at a door, asking to come in. And so far, all they have heard is "no". There is no room for you here. Someone else has been chosen.

One day, there will surely be a "yes". But in the meantime, it is hard to keep knocking. It is hard to cope with the anxiety of it all. Trying to steal themselves for the potential rejection, feeling so unwelcomed.



The Princess is singing this children's nativity song in hopefulness!


  Rat-a-tat-tat, Rat-a-tat-tat, 
 Yes! Yes! Yes! 
 There is a little room 
 And you may stay here, 
 We have a little place for strangers. 
 Come in from the night 
 To a stable so bare 
 Which is full of warmth and friendliness-and-safe from dangers. 
 Yes, there is a little room, 
 There is a little room, 
 There is a little room for strangers.

belong - five minute Friday

I walked round the block tonight and it was a very different view from my usual farm animals and mountains.  The view of suburbia was distracting, I noticed the houses that were nicely painted and the yards full of beautiful blooms.  I noticed the houses that were in need of a paint job and their yards with bushes left unpruned. And I wondered do I belong here? I am only here for a vacation, but they are good to try a lifestyle on for a week, right? Do I belong where I can smell the salt in the air, or where the air is clear and always dry, dry, dry? Do I even belong in this land where the flags are striped and starred in red, white and blue? Where the sky is blue instead of grey and the grass is coarse instead of soft and green.

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Gathering with Mary&Martha

Once upon a time there was a Princess named Morag.  She sold stuff made for a company called Mary&Martha.  They like when people

GATHER

together; maybe round a table with CANDLESTICKS on it.  The hostess might wear a beautiful

APRON.

When the guests are

KNOCKING 

on the door.  The hostess might look at the

CLOCK

while setting out some NAPKINS on the COPPER TRAY.  She is not worried about the dishes later as she is using the pretty PAPER plates and cups.

The hostess opens the door where the guest has noticed her PRAYER on the door

BLESSINGS BUCKET.

 She offers them

COFFEE

 or some water from the

CARAFE

.  They reminisce about

CHRISTMAS

 and talk about the JEWELRY they gave to their loved ones.












They would never forget about gifts for the

CHILDREN. 

They knew that life was about more than pretty things and a pleasant time, but they were thankful for the chance to rest and enjoy company and planned to get together more often.  After all, Mary and Martha were friends of Jesus, and enjoyed his company.  It is nice to follow their example.

lost - five minute friday

Lost in storage.  Anyone else have a storage unit?  Isn't it fun when you think of something that you own but can't access because it's in storage.  And your husband can't possibly get it for you as it is "buried".

Lost because of geography.  I had amazing friends.  Then I emigrated.  There is no 'popping round' anymore.  No cups of coffee made with love, or shoulders to cry on.

Lost in time.  I once was a little girl who was always sensible, and mature, and did the right thing.  But in doing so, I lost some of who I was.  I'm learning to go back to find that little girl and help her learn how to have a little fun.

Lost because I don't know which way to go.  God be my compass.

Book review: Finding Spiritual Whitespace

The Princess has now finished the book: Finding Spiritual Whitespace, so here comes her overall review:

The main points about this beautiful book is that it gave the Princess permission to rest, it eased the pressure to perform in her spiritual life and it gave her ideas on how to accept the little girl princess inside.

When you have lived a life of anxiety like the Princess has, it is hard to find guilt free down time.  There is always something else that she should be doing.  She learned that 'shoulds' ought to be banned from her internal vocabulary when she discovered that she had lived a life of anxiety and hadn't known it!  The (very annoying) voice in her head, is quick to tell her she is lazy and quick to tell her all the productive things she should be doing that she really doesn't want to do.  The Princess doesn't obey the voice so often anymore, she likes to rebel and blow it a raspberry but not obeying hasn't made it go away.

There must be a new voice in her head, if the annoying one is to be drowned out.  Princess Morag has tried to cultivate a more kindly, gentle internal voice and has borrowed from encouraging people in her life in order to do that.  Bonnie Gray's voice has now been added to that choir.  Her gentle and encouraging words in her softly spoken voice, have registered in the Princess's brain.  Instead of the accusations, she wants to listen to Bonnie's beautiful invitation to rest.  And if Bonnie is inviting her, then she must be giving the little princess inside permission to rest and respond.

Many of the other Christian public voices have not given the Princess permission to rest, they have given her a new checklist to perform.  Quiet times, prayer, bible study, verse memorisation - she's done them all.  And they helped her a bit.  But they also compounded the guilt and continued the lie that there is something wrong with her when they didn't completely ease the pain or provide the peace she was looking for.

Christianity is based on a person, not a checklist.  The Princess finds the elusive peace when she whispers the name of Jesus, and when she reflects with gratitude on the little moments of whitespace where he leaves her gifts of love.  For Bonnie to say that these fleeting moments count - that they are not spiritual frosting, that they are the spiritual manna that Princess Morag had thought they were, was a great confirmation that her hope was in the right place after all.

"God uses everything living to speak into our lives.  He knows what's on your heart and the everyday life you are living.  God leaves us love notes in that everyday life to let us know: he is a part of our living story." (p169/170)

Princess Morag knows she will come back to this book in which she has underlined passages and written notes at the side.  It was so rich in help and healing and wisdom.  She entered into Bonnie's story and found so many echoes of her own.  But she wasn't left abandoned at the side of the road like the wounded Samaritan, she was found and taken to the healer who will bind her wounds and let her rest till she has recovered.