the longest day

Princess Morag remembers those looooong days (and nights) when the young master and maiden were babies and the feeding and changing and rocking and feeding and changing just never stopped.  This week Sir Rianus and the Princess decided to celebrate their eighth wedding anniversary by getting some sort of virus that made them feel quite nauseous.  It's more romantic than it seems as it brought back memories of the first two trips they took together when they were dating.  These trips were far more intimate than they should have been in all the wrong ways!  And feeling sick did make their 'special day' seem never ending!  In fact the whole week has felt that way to Princess Morag as she has continued to experience symptoms and the usual antics of the children seem to increase in irritation value.  There have been cute moments, such as the young maiden bringing her "tuggly toys" to sit beside the Princess and comfort her, but the Princess is hoping that the lingering lurgy, as Sir Rianus coined it, will soon no longer be a feature of their lives.  Let the days be short and merry, not long and nauseated....please!

^" But do not forget this one thing, dear friends: with the Lord a day is like a thousand years, and a thousand years are like a day." 2 Peter3:8

emotional manna

Sometimes the Princess gets bloated, and thanks to having two babies, in two years, by two c-sections her stomach muscles are not exactly resistant and so she tends to look pregnant when this happens.  Princess Morag also gets emotionally bloated, and when trapped wind or trapped emotions sneak out, it's kind of embarrassing.

Recently Princess Morag has been looking for, and recording the emotional manna of each day.  She suspects that the Israelites when they were wandering in the desert didn't get much indigestion.  Being sustained on the weird new bread that was fresh every morning, they were able to get on with their wandering.  Princess Morag finds her manna in fragments of her day - today the maiden was excitedly blowing bubbles and there was enormous peace in that - a reminder to be still, and know that God is with us.

Princess Morag also received a package today.  The gifts for her children and the words on a page brought laughter, tears, joy, relief and love to her soul.  There is much power in gift-giving, in generosity and the ability to receive.

Princess Morag was also nourished by the artistic creations of her children, inspired by their lack of self-consciousness in  what they were doing and their lightness of heart.  She delighted in their talent and did not think to compare it to anyone else's.

God told the Israelites that they could not store their manna for the next day, except for the day before the Sabbath when they were to collect twice as much.  And so it is with the little things that 'keep us going', they cannot be saved, but they can be treasured.  The little maiden will be one day older tomorrow and soon not so little anymore, but the Princess is trying to trust that there still will be manna, it might look different, but will hopefully be just as sweet to savour on the day it is given.

Safe space

Princess Morag wonders where is your safe space?  Recently the Princess was inspired to create a sensory retreat for her kids in the bottom of their closet.  And the young master caught on with the concept thanks to the Dinosaur Train episode in which Mrs Pteranodon sends all her children away to find a 'calm space'.  When his sister has been crying recently he wants to make her go into the calm space but so far she has resisted his command!

Today Glennon was asking how we can keep our babies safe in this world.  The princess has taken this question to heart since her offspring arrived because from the moment they are conceived a mother's heart is full of anxiety for them. And she knew that her fear could rule their lives and Princess Morag didn't want to live in fear, or her children live in the shadow of it.  It seems to the princess that to be known and loved and accepted are the prerequisites for being able to take reasonable risks.  The princess put herself in a precarious position once when she was a teenager and is thankful that no harm was done to her.  She thinks maybe the people who take risky risks are testing how far they can go, because they want someone to catch them, they are not at all sure that they can count on others; if they come to harm then what does it matter if nobody knows or notices or cares? There is no safe space to turn to.

On the other hand, if there is a safe space, if there is someone who will catch you when you fall, you can try flying and keep trying even if you keep crashing to begin with.  What can be more dangerous than living a life of love?  Where is the safe space you can retreat to when it threatens to crash down on you?

Keep me safe, my God,
    for in you I take refuge.  Psalm 16.1

Follow God’s example, therefore, as dearly loved children ² and live a life of love, just as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us as a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God.  Ephesians 5. 1-2

hoping better

Princess Morag gets frustrated with her husband quite often over his pessimism.  And has always thought of herself as an optimist.  But recently she's been struggling with that idea.  Probably because she has been living in a bit of a dark cloud despite the sun shining on her every time she leaves the castle apartment.  She's been reading the bible and considering God's promises to his people.  He seems pretty keen to give them good things.  At the beginning of the year the Princess was trying to hold on fast to those promises, that 2013 would contain good things for her and her family.  Four months later and optimism just doesn't cut it.  She knows what she needs is FAITH.  Whenever she tries to figure out with her little human mind, how things are going to work out - she gets stuck and goes round in unsatisfying circles.  She knows deep down that God is a God of surprises, that he does the unexpected, that he makes a way where there is no way.  So her efforts at foretelling the future are futile and disheartening.  And even the things she hopes for are probably not on the same wavelength as what God is thinking about.  Most of the time her optimism reaches the extent of hoping for a little bit better than the worst case scenario. And when she suspects that God might have bigger plans she gets scared and hides.  So hiding in a back room like the disciples did even after the resurrection, she is waiting for something to happen. And she's struggling to trust that whatever happens whether within the realms of her imagination or not, it will be for the best.

..." a better hope is introduced, by which we draw near to God". (Hebrews 7.16)

nurse for the day

Princess Morag has been stressing out lately about what she's supposed to be doing with her days. What is her priority? Today even before events unfolded she stopped tying her thoughts in knots and figured it had to be her children. Sometimes (most of the time) the Princess makes things way more complicated than they need to be. So right now she is holding her feverish four year old with satisfaction because there isn't anything better than snuggling with her daughter even though she does wish for her to be well.

doctor death threats

Healthcare is different in the new realm.  Princess Morag isn't sure she likes it.  Nobody really calls the Princess on the telephone, so it was disturbing to get a call.  And then another call after she ignored the first one.  This is how it goes - the doctor tells the nurse to call, the nurse calls to say the doctor wants to order blood tests, she isn't even very nice about it, the patient is supposed to comply.  The thing is, these are 'routine' blood tests and the Princess isn't feeling very compliant, especially when she knows that it is going to cost her money.  She also feels quite rebellious towards medial professionals in general.  She doesn't always believe that 'doctor knows best'.  What if the doctor has a big ego or is covering his own back or is just trying to make some money?

Due to her ignoring the problem, hoping it would magically go away, the Princess received a letter.  It was quite shocking.  "I informed you that it was necessary to get certain tests done.  I strongly urge you to proceed with this without further delay.  Your neglect in this matter may result in missed diagnosis, resulting in grave consequences, including disability and death."  Princess Morag did not expect such a strongly worded admonishment over a few routine blood tests.  She's still quite unimpressed over the whole matter.  It makes her anxious for a number of reasons - she's rule-breaking by not doing as she was told, the doctor is saying it could be a matter of life and death and she's really a bit scared of dying, and she's embarrassed by the whole thing snowballing into a big deal.  And if she's the 'customer' in this situation, why are they not being more polite?

Princess Morag isn't going to be a 'good patient', it's a rubbish role.  Patient-centred care is a strange myth that is banded around by allied health professionals and completely ignored by most doctors.  Princess Morag knows that she isn't very good at self-care, but she isn't fond of being bullied either.  She's not ill, so she doesn't want to go to the doctor - simples!

feeling at home

Princess Morag, Sir Rianus and the small people celebrated Easter at the church where the latter three were baptised.  The young master complained that he didn't like that church, as it was too big, Princess Morag was apt to agree.  There were many family members and friends to be visited over the long weekend so returning to the current castle apartment was a relief.  But Princess Morag felt most at home when this morning she was sandwiched between her two children.  The fruit of her womb on either side, she sighed savouring the sense of belonging together before getting ready for the resumption of routine.

small things, big victories

Princess Morag is having one of those days.  When life is just plain hard.  When doing small things: like eating, and breathing, and driving safely - these are accomplishments.  And doing bigger things that take courage: like making a phone call are victories.  Holding herself together enough not to cry (well, at least in public) takes great effort and getting out of bed required more strength than anyone would know.

maiden wishes

Princess Morag has been pondering what she wishes for her daughter. And concluded that when one thinks of such things, it is not just about the future of her little maiden, it will naturally reflect the things she wishes for herself.  So in the darkness, with her daughter snug beside her, she hoped for these things:

• that she would know she is loved
• that she would not fear her own anger or other emotions but accept them for what they are trying to teach her
• that she would follow God's leading in her life.

Life isn't often like a fairytale, but Princess Morag hopes that her maiden loves the Prince of Peace and King of Kings above all others.

" Do not put your trust in princes, in mortal men, who cannot save...Blessed is he whose help in the God of Jacob, whose hope is the LORD his God, the Maker of heaven and earth, the sea, and everything in them- the LORD, who remains faithful forever."  Psalm 146:3-6

letting go

Princess Morag is trying to let go of something...someONE.  It is hard.  Especially when that someone has been important for so long.  But there is hardly even anything left to let go of.  When she pictured her hand letting go, it was dust that escaped.  The life of what she was holding on to was long gone.  So she is handing that person over to the Lord.  And trying to count all the blessings who are IN her life, and are good.

"You are my Lord, apart from you, I have no good thing."  Psalm 16:2

when "enuf" is enough

Princess Morag remembers a piece of composition she did when she was seven or eight years old.  She does not remember anything about the particular piece of writing except for one word.  She was attempting to use the word 'enough' in a sentence, but was frustrated in the process by the fact that she could not for the life of her remember how to spell the word.  In the end, she purposely chose to spell it phonetically "enuf", because she decided it was more important to finish the story than be stuck on the one word.

When her work was given back to her, and the word spelled correctly in red pen by her teacher, Princess Morag was relieved.  She now had the answer to her frustration, even though she was annoyed that she had not remembered on her own.  She had the answer now....and that was enough!

Somewhere in life along the way following this incident, Princess Morag picked up the idea that purposely making a mistake (even if necessary) was almost criminal.  And to receive correction, was a shameful experience.  This kind of perfectionism is not helpful in any area of life.  It serves only to paralyse and create pain.

The eight year old Princess Morag understood that making a small error (even on purpose) might be necessary in order to finish the story.  She trusted that this error would be corrected and that such correction would be for her instruction, and therefore good.  Is it possible to relearn the faith of a child?

"She obeys no one, she accepts no correction.
 She does not trust in the LORD,
 she does not draw near to her God." (Zephaniah 3:2)

Goldie

Princess Morag has never mourned an animal before.  When she was a kid her goldfish died, while she was on holiday, so the neighbours bought a new one.  When she found out the story, she kind of wished they hadn't bothered and she doesn't remember when the new one passed on.

But Goldie; this is different.  Goldie greeted her arrival in California 11 years ago with enormous enthusiasm followed by noticeable jealousy that she was no longer the 'girl' in Sir Rianus' life!!  And she chaperoned the Princess and Sir Rianus many a time while they were still courting.  Goldie was a pup until old age caught up with her and she could no longer run and jump without pain.  Although, she did still surprise everyone with a burst of energy when the small ones were running around and she couldn't help but join in with the pups!

It will not be the same without her.  Rest in Peace sweet dog.

stuff and boxes

There was a motivation - family coming.  There was a deadline - that day.  So Princess Morag finally did something about the boxes of stuff that had been sitting on the coffee table, embarrassingly for the last five months, since they moved in.  "It doesn't have to be perfect" she told herself, "just better than it was".  And it is better than it was.  However, now there are two full boxes, and two empty boxes on top.  But they have been rearranged so it is no longer the first thing you see when you walk in the door, and it does not obscure the view from the kitchen towards the door, so Princess Morag is more able to see people when they walk in.  

The two bags of too-small clothes were swapped with one bag of fit the children/won't fit in the already too full drawers/closets.  And new Valentines' stuff in new Valentines' baskets were given even though last years are still lingering around.  Old stuff, new stuff, too much stuff. 

fictional friendships

Through her whole life, Princess Morag has sought distraction, solace, companionship and pleasure through reading.  One of her favourite authors from adulthood has helped her to celebrate this particular penchant for fictional community.  Alexander McCall Smith says that it is a "pleasant club to be a member of" when we are "linked by our friendship with a group of fictional people".  So this post is dedicated to Princess Morag's favourite fictional people on the page:

• Henrietta Hedgehog and the other animals of Greenglades Wood (Susannah Bradley)
• the girls of the Chalet School (Elinor M Brent Dyer)
• the inhabitants of Narnia (CS Lewis)
• Anne of Green Gables (LM Montgomery)
• Harry Potter and friends (JK Rowling)
• the residents of Scotland Street (Alexander McCall Smith)

Please comment below with your favourites.... :)

speaking the truth

Princess Morag's children speak the truth.  Sometimes it's not exactly what you want to hear:  "Mummy, you have a crinkly belly button"!  But Princess Morag knows not to take offense because it wasn't intended to be offensive, it was just an observation.  This is helping the princess to be better at hearing and speaking the truth without attaching judgement to it. Her daughter is not saying that a crinkly belly is a bad thing, it's just a crinkly thing, and that's true.

As they grow up, Princess Morag wants to help her children grow in the godly principle of speaking the truth in love.  Which does mean considering the feelings of the person you are speaking to.  The truth is a very powerful thing, and will sometimes cause offense, so we do have to be careful.  But that is not to say we should hide from it, because then we do not really live, and do not really want the best for those we care about.

"Then we will no longer be immature like children. We won’t be tossed and blown about by every wind of new teaching. We will not be influenced when people try to trick us with lies so clever they sound like the truth. ¹⁵ Instead, we will speak the truth in love, growing in every way more and more like Christ, who is the head of his body, the church."  (Ephesians 4:14-15, NLT)

a time to dance

Princess Morag has an inner dancer.  She doesn't get out much due to some excruciating self-consciousness.  But when the princess allows her inner dancer to come out, she normally has a lot of fun (along with some anxiety symptoms that sometimes get mixed up with the feelings of fun).  Princess Morag asked for a dance game for the wii for Christmas so that she could dance in the privacy of her own home and have fun without the added adrenaline of an audience.  And it is good.  She is learning to allow herself to be happy and feel like a teenager again (but a happy one, not the fairly angsty one that she was all those years ago).  Princess Morag is not very good at being happy, so this is part of the strategy to get better at it.

"There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heavens.....

a time to mourn and a time to DANCE...."  (Ecclesiastes 3)

beautiful grief

Princess Morag went to see Les Miserables again last night.  She didn't cry quite as much, but that meant that her vision was better to notice more small details about the film. She was struck by the beauty in the moments of grief.  When Marius was singing 'Empty chairs and empty tables' there was such beauty in his face and voice and tears.  What makes something beautiful? Princess Morag wondered.  And later she wondered if the answer might be when that something is pure, when it is truth, when it is love.  And grief in an odd way celebrates all those things.  It commemorates the good times that were shared with a person, when there was a soul connection with someone, when there was love.  And in the words of another song at the end of the musical "to love another person is to see the face of God".

It is in losing something or in longing for something that we appreciate its value.  So sometimes grief for something one has never had is a gift more than instant gratification would be.  Does Eponine know how much Marius' love is worth in her unrequited relationship more than Cosette knows it in its fulilment?  Princess Morag's heart has always echoed much more in 'On my own' than 'A heart full of love'.  She knows what it is to recognise when the love she has longed for is not possible and to grieve for it; to be counted upon by the one she loves and longs for, but be simultaneously overlooked.

Loving someone who doesn't love us back in the way we want hurts, but it makes us cry out to the author of love, and in our pain and grief there is somehow beauty - it is God's promise to us:

"to comfort all who mourn, and provide for those who grieve in Zion—to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes" Isaiah 61:3 (NIV)

magical mess

Princess Morag is tired: hoping-she-isn't-sick tired.  So she was quite dismayed that the children's room had toys strewn all over the place and really really wished their was a more magical way to tidy the mess than physically picking it up herself.  She had attempted to create a sense of responsibility in her offspring and threatened to throw away the toys if they weren't picked up.  Today this did not have the desired motivational effect.  Instead of hurriedly picking up, her five year old declared himself whinily "tired" and when her angry outburst obviously made the whole situation much worse, Princess Morag resorted to giving up and comforting the boy with the tired tantrum wishing that she had a house elf to save the day.

clickity clack

click, click, click....It's the cyber equivalent of hitting her head off a wall, and Princess Morag knows that but figures her fingers won't bruise from the mouse but her head probably would on the wall.  She knows that the connection she craves is not going to be found through the mindless clicking but it is hard to pull herself away from the screen.  It is easy to get confused since so many spiritual resources are now located on the computer - her daily devotional in her email inbox, the biblegateway website: every version at the click of a button, and various Christian bloggers inspire and encourage her regularly.  But still......she clicks and is unsatisfied.

As the deer pants for streams of water,
    so my soul pants for you, my God.
² My soul thirsts for God, for the living God.
    When can I go and meet with God?  Psalm 42:1-2 (NIV)

She reigned victorious

Princess Morag wasn't sure about Christmas season 2012.  Forget three wise men, what about three sets of grandparents to deal with!  It went more smoothly than she had feared, and her travel agent duties she discovered, are easier to handle on the phone than the internet.

Visits to the underwater animals, and the dinosaur skeletons seemed to keep everyone, no matter what age, pretty happy!  There were lots of presents given and received, and shopping trips made until the car was brimming on its way back to the middle of nowhere.  The grandparents from afar made the trek to the humble hamlet in the desert and Princess Morag hopes they returned to their green land with a good report.

Receiving visitors from her homeland was something to rejoice when they brought good tidings and treats from whence they came.  However, when it was time for them to leave, they took that refreshment of spirit that came with their voices and familiar way with them, and Princess Morag found herself quite bewildered once again to be living in a place so foreign.  Yet overall, she entered 2013 in a contended spirit and with hope for good things to come.

You crown the year with Your bounty, and Your carts overflow with abundance.  Psalm 65:11 NIV