letting go

Princess Morag is trying to let go of something...someONE.  It is hard.  Especially when that someone has been important for so long.  But there is hardly even anything left to let go of.  When she pictured her hand letting go, it was dust that escaped.  The life of what she was holding on to was long gone.  So she is handing that person over to the Lord.  And trying to count all the blessings who are IN her life, and are good.

"You are my Lord, apart from you, I have no good thing."  Psalm 16:2

when "enuf" is enough

Princess Morag remembers a piece of composition she did when she was seven or eight years old.  She does not remember anything about the particular piece of writing except for one word.  She was attempting to use the word 'enough' in a sentence, but was frustrated in the process by the fact that she could not for the life of her remember how to spell the word.  In the end, she purposely chose to spell it phonetically "enuf", because she decided it was more important to finish the story than be stuck on the one word.

When her work was given back to her, and the word spelled correctly in red pen by her teacher, Princess Morag was relieved.  She now had the answer to her frustration, even though she was annoyed that she had not remembered on her own.  She had the answer now....and that was enough!

Somewhere in life along the way following this incident, Princess Morag picked up the idea that purposely making a mistake (even if necessary) was almost criminal.  And to receive correction, was a shameful experience.  This kind of perfectionism is not helpful in any area of life.  It serves only to paralyse and create pain.

The eight year old Princess Morag understood that making a small error (even on purpose) might be necessary in order to finish the story.  She trusted that this error would be corrected and that such correction would be for her instruction, and therefore good.  Is it possible to relearn the faith of a child?

"She obeys no one, she accepts no correction.
 She does not trust in the LORD,
 she does not draw near to her God." (Zephaniah 3:2)

Goldie

Princess Morag has never mourned an animal before.  When she was a kid her goldfish died, while she was on holiday, so the neighbours bought a new one.  When she found out the story, she kind of wished they hadn't bothered and she doesn't remember when the new one passed on.

But Goldie; this is different.  Goldie greeted her arrival in California 11 years ago with enormous enthusiasm followed by noticeable jealousy that she was no longer the 'girl' in Sir Rianus' life!!  And she chaperoned the Princess and Sir Rianus many a time while they were still courting.  Goldie was a pup until old age caught up with her and she could no longer run and jump without pain.  Although, she did still surprise everyone with a burst of energy when the small ones were running around and she couldn't help but join in with the pups!

It will not be the same without her.  Rest in Peace sweet dog.

stuff and boxes

There was a motivation - family coming.  There was a deadline - that day.  So Princess Morag finally did something about the boxes of stuff that had been sitting on the coffee table, embarrassingly for the last five months, since they moved in.  "It doesn't have to be perfect" she told herself, "just better than it was".  And it is better than it was.  However, now there are two full boxes, and two empty boxes on top.  But they have been rearranged so it is no longer the first thing you see when you walk in the door, and it does not obscure the view from the kitchen towards the door, so Princess Morag is more able to see people when they walk in.  

The two bags of too-small clothes were swapped with one bag of fit the children/won't fit in the already too full drawers/closets.  And new Valentines' stuff in new Valentines' baskets were given even though last years are still lingering around.  Old stuff, new stuff, too much stuff. 

fictional friendships

Through her whole life, Princess Morag has sought distraction, solace, companionship and pleasure through reading.  One of her favourite authors from adulthood has helped her to celebrate this particular penchant for fictional community.  Alexander McCall Smith says that it is a "pleasant club to be a member of" when we are "linked by our friendship with a group of fictional people".  So this post is dedicated to Princess Morag's favourite fictional people on the page:

• Henrietta Hedgehog and the other animals of Greenglades Wood (Susannah Bradley)
• the girls of the Chalet School (Elinor M Brent Dyer)
• the inhabitants of Narnia (CS Lewis)
• Anne of Green Gables (LM Montgomery)
• Harry Potter and friends (JK Rowling)
• the residents of Scotland Street (Alexander McCall Smith)

Please comment below with your favourites.... :)

speaking the truth

Princess Morag's children speak the truth.  Sometimes it's not exactly what you want to hear:  "Mummy, you have a crinkly belly button"!  But Princess Morag knows not to take offense because it wasn't intended to be offensive, it was just an observation.  This is helping the princess to be better at hearing and speaking the truth without attaching judgement to it. Her daughter is not saying that a crinkly belly is a bad thing, it's just a crinkly thing, and that's true.

As they grow up, Princess Morag wants to help her children grow in the godly principle of speaking the truth in love.  Which does mean considering the feelings of the person you are speaking to.  The truth is a very powerful thing, and will sometimes cause offense, so we do have to be careful.  But that is not to say we should hide from it, because then we do not really live, and do not really want the best for those we care about.

"Then we will no longer be immature like children. We won’t be tossed and blown about by every wind of new teaching. We will not be influenced when people try to trick us with lies so clever they sound like the truth. ¹⁵ Instead, we will speak the truth in love, growing in every way more and more like Christ, who is the head of his body, the church."  (Ephesians 4:14-15, NLT)

a time to dance

Princess Morag has an inner dancer.  She doesn't get out much due to some excruciating self-consciousness.  But when the princess allows her inner dancer to come out, she normally has a lot of fun (along with some anxiety symptoms that sometimes get mixed up with the feelings of fun).  Princess Morag asked for a dance game for the wii for Christmas so that she could dance in the privacy of her own home and have fun without the added adrenaline of an audience.  And it is good.  She is learning to allow herself to be happy and feel like a teenager again (but a happy one, not the fairly angsty one that she was all those years ago).  Princess Morag is not very good at being happy, so this is part of the strategy to get better at it.

"There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heavens.....

a time to mourn and a time to DANCE...."  (Ecclesiastes 3)

beautiful grief

Princess Morag went to see Les Miserables again last night.  She didn't cry quite as much, but that meant that her vision was better to notice more small details about the film. She was struck by the beauty in the moments of grief.  When Marius was singing 'Empty chairs and empty tables' there was such beauty in his face and voice and tears.  What makes something beautiful? Princess Morag wondered.  And later she wondered if the answer might be when that something is pure, when it is truth, when it is love.  And grief in an odd way celebrates all those things.  It commemorates the good times that were shared with a person, when there was a soul connection with someone, when there was love.  And in the words of another song at the end of the musical "to love another person is to see the face of God".

It is in losing something or in longing for something that we appreciate its value.  So sometimes grief for something one has never had is a gift more than instant gratification would be.  Does Eponine know how much Marius' love is worth in her unrequited relationship more than Cosette knows it in its fulilment?  Princess Morag's heart has always echoed much more in 'On my own' than 'A heart full of love'.  She knows what it is to recognise when the love she has longed for is not possible and to grieve for it; to be counted upon by the one she loves and longs for, but be simultaneously overlooked.

Loving someone who doesn't love us back in the way we want hurts, but it makes us cry out to the author of love, and in our pain and grief there is somehow beauty - it is God's promise to us:

"to comfort all who mourn, and provide for those who grieve in Zion—to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes" Isaiah 61:3 (NIV)

magical mess

Princess Morag is tired: hoping-she-isn't-sick tired.  So she was quite dismayed that the children's room had toys strewn all over the place and really really wished their was a more magical way to tidy the mess than physically picking it up herself.  She had attempted to create a sense of responsibility in her offspring and threatened to throw away the toys if they weren't picked up.  Today this did not have the desired motivational effect.  Instead of hurriedly picking up, her five year old declared himself whinily "tired" and when her angry outburst obviously made the whole situation much worse, Princess Morag resorted to giving up and comforting the boy with the tired tantrum wishing that she had a house elf to save the day.

clickity clack

click, click, click....It's the cyber equivalent of hitting her head off a wall, and Princess Morag knows that but figures her fingers won't bruise from the mouse but her head probably would on the wall.  She knows that the connection she craves is not going to be found through the mindless clicking but it is hard to pull herself away from the screen.  It is easy to get confused since so many spiritual resources are now located on the computer - her daily devotional in her email inbox, the biblegateway website: every version at the click of a button, and various Christian bloggers inspire and encourage her regularly.  But still......she clicks and is unsatisfied.

As the deer pants for streams of water,
    so my soul pants for you, my God.
² My soul thirsts for God, for the living God.
    When can I go and meet with God?  Psalm 42:1-2 (NIV)

She reigned victorious

Princess Morag wasn't sure about Christmas season 2012.  Forget three wise men, what about three sets of grandparents to deal with!  It went more smoothly than she had feared, and her travel agent duties she discovered, are easier to handle on the phone than the internet.

Visits to the underwater animals, and the dinosaur skeletons seemed to keep everyone, no matter what age, pretty happy!  There were lots of presents given and received, and shopping trips made until the car was brimming on its way back to the middle of nowhere.  The grandparents from afar made the trek to the humble hamlet in the desert and Princess Morag hopes they returned to their green land with a good report.

Receiving visitors from her homeland was something to rejoice when they brought good tidings and treats from whence they came.  However, when it was time for them to leave, they took that refreshment of spirit that came with their voices and familiar way with them, and Princess Morag found herself quite bewildered once again to be living in a place so foreign.  Yet overall, she entered 2013 in a contended spirit and with hope for good things to come.

You crown the year with Your bounty, and Your carts overflow with abundance.  Psalm 65:11 NIV

not by sight

Princess Morag lives near quite spectacular mountains - this has been good compensation for the lack of precipitation and greeness.  Last weekend the clouds descended, and the sky was grey (she was happy about this) and she stood on the balcony and stared and stared.  Normally she would enjoy the view of the peaks in front of her, but that day she could see nothing but cloud.  And she used her minds eye to remember what it normally looked like; remembering the majesty of the mountains.  It was difficult, even though it was her daily view, it took effort to believe that they were still there.  She knew of course that they were - as mountains don't often run away - and she realised that she was pondering the business of FAITH.

God is even bigger than the mountains, and he never leaves us or forsakes us, yet we can't see him.  Our lives are full of big bad clouds that want to make us forget the majesty, forget the glory, forget reality.

"We live by faith, not by sight" 2Corinthians 5:7

self-deception

The heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure.
    Who can understand it?  Jeremiah 17:9


Princess Morag was somewhat dismayed (to put it mildly) a couple of weeks ago when she realised that a particular self-neglecting behaviour was much worse than she'd been telling herself.  It seems that lying to yourself is pretty easy, and deflecting others from broaching the issue not too difficult either.  She received a 'wake-up call' and has been humbled in the process.  Princess Morag has had a tendency for a long time to think she is 'super-Morag' when in fact she is simply regular 'human-Morag' and when she read on this blog:  that pretending not to have any needs is trying to be God, her conviction on this particular issue was complete. 

Rain

Princess Morag was so grateful for the rain last week.  She is not made for the desert.  She smiled at the grey sky, enjoyed the hunt for the rain jackets, and was horrified that the young master and little maiden had forgotten the concept of a hood to keep the rain off their small heads!  Then, after dropping off all the work/school attenders, she sat in the quiet apartment looking out at the rain falling and the puddles forming with a cup of coffee in her hand and satisfaction in her heart.  It was like God had pressed her reset button and the tension of waiting....waiting....for the rain was gone.

 ^"Be patient, then, brothers and sisters, until the Lord’s coming. See how the farmer waits for the land to yield its valuable crop, patiently waiting for the autumn and spring rains. ⁸ You too, be patient and stand firm, because the Lord’s coming is near."   James 5:7-8 NIV

bubbles

Princess Morag was blowing bubbles this afternoon with the young maiden's new birthday present - a Minnie Mouse tea set where the cups and spoons have little holes you blow through to make the bubbles and the 'tea' is bubble mixture.  The feature where you pour the bubble mixture into the saucer and then use the teacup to blow bubbles has the added advantage of it being less likely to get all over your hands.  Princess Morag has an issue with bubble mixture and it making her gag slightly (yes she knows it is just soap) this is a nice feature in her opinion.  Plus the teacups have a bigger hole and therefore make larger bubbles.

As she watched some of the bubbles float away she could see how they were all different, and had different rainbow hues.  And as she watched some of them pop instantly and some drift away for a while before popping she thought of how they really were like dreams.  Princess Morag considers herself a bit of a dreamer and sometimes it is just a momentary thought, a what if...?  And sometimes it is a treasured idea of something she would like in her life, or something about herself....

Unfortunately Princess Morag has painfully learned that she has people close to her in life who are bubble bursters and seem to delight in making her dreams go 'pop'.  This makes her conscious to respond kindly when her children talking fancifully about things, because sometimes we say our dreams out loud just to enjoy their rainbow colours for a moment, not necessarily believing that the bubble is something solid that we can keep.

mornings

Princess Morag has never been a morning person, she rather loves her bed.  If she attempted to say she has somehow become a 'morning person' anyone in her family would snort with derision at the notion.  So she won't go that far.  BUT, since the summer she no longer holds murderous thoughts towards whoever/whatever woke her, which in her book has got to be progress and pretty miraculous too!

It seems that five years of motherhood, to children who are really strange cheerful creatures in the early hours of the day, has trained her to some degree to cope with rising.  Previously only Christmas morning and catching-a-flight-somewhere mornings were the ones where she could get out of bed with any sort of enthusiasm for the start of a new day.  Princess Morag can't stretch to enthusiasm yet on a normal run of the mill morning, but she does manage sort-of-cheerful-I-know-I-need-to-get-up-ness.  This has stemmed from a growing realisation that her role of mother is essential to the possibility of her household getting ready for leaving the house on time. This has taken on greater importance with Master Ryan's starting school; Princess Morag knows that the young master will fare better if he arrives at school in plenty of time, therefore she has to help him get there.  And now she is grateful for his ability to get up early by himself (in fact his acting as an alarm clock for the whole household) because even though she can muster enough discipline to get herself up now, it wouldn't be strong enough to be shared with another person, certainly not without much grumbling.

"If a man loudly blesses his neighbor early in the morning, it will be taken as a curse."  Proverbs 27:14 (NIV)

Do not worry

Do not worry.  Jesus said that.  He told us not to worry about what we eat/drink/wear or to worry about tomorrow.  Princess Morag knows it is a good idea, and like most good ideas it is terribly difficult to put into practice.  Much the same as getting up early - always a good idea - never easy (unless it is the day you are catching a flight somewhere and then she remarkably finds the motivation to spring out of bed).

Princess Morag was worried over as a child.  And so she tried not to do much worrying herself as then there would definitely have been an excess of worrying going on.  But then adult responsibilities arrived, and parenthood; consequently she has been doing a lot more worrying.  In the baby days, Princess Morag was tempted to go into worry mode - but she recognised that it was dangerous territory.  There is no end of harrowing scenarios that can immediately pop to mind the moment you are not in the same room as your baby, and even if you are holding your baby, you are still not safe....what if.....what if.....  Better just not to go there in your mind.

Now that they are no longer babies and Princess Morag no longer watches them every second of every day, she is finding new things to worry about.  The young master has started school.  The moment Princess Morag had to watch her son walk into the classroom and did not know what was to become of him in the next 4 hours, she had an acorn of panic in her stomach.  Sir Rianus, told her to just get in the car.  She knew she should, but it was taking a lot of discipline not to follow the 5 year olds into the classroom - what were they going to be doing??  Could she really trust the teacher?  The young master was fine.  And so was Princess Morag.  She has since managed to let the boy walk into the classroom 3 more times without following him in. 

She was not so worried about the young maiden starting preschool, so no emotional energy was wasted on the girl who has chirped with happiness every day at pick up time.  

Jesus said we can't add an hour to our lives by worrying (Matthew 6.27) and Princess Morag reckons worrying adds nothing to anyone, it only takes away.  Having being worried over as a child, Princess Morag felt it was like an additional weight she had to bear on top of the health and emotional issues she was already facing.  She wanted someone to take her burden away from her by listening to her and showing compassion - not to have that burden added to by knowing she was causing distress to someone else.  Princess Morag does not want to worry about her children's future - today has enough worries to occupy her anyway and if she is busy worrying about the future she is not present to love her children in the present.  And they are God's present to her everyday, she doesn't want to miss them.

What is saving Princess Morag right now?

http://sarahbessey.com/in-which-we-are-saved-synchroblog/

The morning chorus of her wee ones imaginative play even though it is an earlier hour than Princess Morag ever wants to see/hear.  The sun on her back as she weeds the flower bed - who knew that she might actually enjoy gardening?  The fact that it has rained this week, and there are sometimes clouds in the sky.  Access to the hope of heaven.  News from friends, any news will do, just so she knows they remember her.  The swamp cooler.  Memories of the baby days, without the exhaustion that accompanied them.  Singing and laughing with her children, basking in their love.  Children's spontaneous prayers, revealing their heart.  Praying scripture, knowing it's not possible to do it wrong.  Marvelling at the birds outside and knowing that God thinks us more worthy than our free flying feathered friends.  Walking the neighbourhood, feeling the presence of the mountains hemming her in.

big blessings

Princess Morag reacquainted herself today with one of her old favourite tv programmes - Deal or No Deal.  In today's episode the contestant settled for a low/mid-range winning sum, but she could have had the top prize if she'd kept playing!  It is quite likely that many people do this in life.  Princess Morag is musing over the fact that in order to receive BIG blessings, not only does one need courage, but also the ability to handle the discomfort of doubt.  Faith can only grow by being tested, but that process of being tested is uncomfortable, it involves risk taking and facing the possibility of failure.  Even if the rewards are great, like on the tv show, sometimes we just can't face the short-term suffering of our mental and physical battle with fear - what if the worst happens?  But what if the best was going to happen if we hadn't short changed ourselves?

"Therefore we do not lose heart...For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all" 2Cor4.16-18  (NIV)

sweating in a pool of discontentment

Princess Morag is being forced to live in a climate she is entirely unfamiliar with.  Hot desert is the complete opposite of what her 32 year old body is used to, and it's not adapting awfully well.

Also, when it's sunny and warm you are supposed to spend time outside, right?  But Princess Morag doesn't know what to do outside, except be grumpy about the fact that she's out there and doesn't know what to do.

And the master and young maiden seem to want to be inside when Princess Morag wants to be outside and vice versa - it feels like never ending no-win situations.

Throw in some general anxiety about the future, thorough homesickness, and creeping loneliness and voila: Princess Morag has learned how to be discontent!  This is the opposite of what she was meditating on the other day.  Paul says in Philippians 4.12 "I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation".  Finding Nemo's Dory just came to mind; she says: 'just keep swimming', Princess Morag is going to endeavour to 'just keep praying, just keep praying....'