Are you a walking corpse of a Christian?

Princess Morag has two brothers.  They would probably both admit to being somewhat self-absorbed.  This became obvious at the wedding of Sir Elder Brother.  Sir Younger Brother was best man so they both made speeches.  The point of the speeches was not to celebrate the marriage of Sir Elder Brother to Fair Sister-In-Law, but to out do each other.  In the midst of this competition and retelling of their historic battles in childhood it was not at all obvious that the household they grew up had also been the home of Princess Morag.  Tales of sister were conspicuously missing.  Yet, these are the same men that at the birth of Master Ryan had congratulated each other for their new titles of 'Uncle' as if they had something to do with the new life of their nephew.  Admittedly Princess Morag had spent his birth lying half paralysed on her back, but he was flesh from her (newly scarred) flesh, and she was confused at the applause that they were giving each other.  Princess Morag was put in mind of this occasion after reading the words of James in the bible:

"Do I hear you professing to believe in the one and only God, but then observe you complacently sitting back as if you had done something wonderful?  That's just great.  Demons do that, but what good does it do them?"  (James Chapter 2, The Message)

James reminds us that faith without works is dead.  Patting ourselves on the backs for 'being a Christian' isn't doing anybody much good, least of all ourself.  Princess Morag is trying to work out how not to be a walking corpse that goes to church on a Sunday, but instead to be a loving, breathing, peace sowing woman walking with God.

staying clean

Princess Morag asked her children to play in the paddling pool, and not in the mud.  But apparently getting dirty is more fun after a while of splashing.  Princess Morag pondered how this same scenario plays out in our spiritual lives.  Good clean fun is fine for a while but it's not very exciting!  We get drawn to the mud and then it becomes very evident where we've been playing just as it was evident in the case of Princess Morag's children.  And they were perfectly pleased with themselves, they'd had fun; but Princess Morag was more grieved because she was the one that had to make them clean.  All the while she was thanking Jesus that it pleases him to make us clean after we've been pleasing ourselves in the mud of our lives.

remembering to be happy

Sir Rianus enjoys photography, a fact that Princess Morag had to get used to when they first started dating.  She had never been photographed so much in her life and she felt very self conscious.  Fast forward ten years and Princess Morag was watching her children frolic in the sun on holiday and wishing that Sir Rianus hadn't already moved to the new realm because the only visual record of the glorious summer afternoon was in her minds eye, and not a digital copy.  The photographs of life in the old world have been a consolation to Princess Morag since moving and she notices that in almost all the photos she is smiling.  Sometimes Princess Morag has a hard time remembering the happy times, yet there are literally hundreds of photographic accounts of her looking pretty happy.  She suspects that her current attitude is colouring her memories somewhat.  Parenting is hard work, marriage is hard work, but it doesn't stop it being something to rejoice in.  Princess Morag is going to pretend that she is having her picture taken several times a day and maybe that will help her to remember to smile :)

seasons of my childhood

I don't like summer 

Summer is lonely 

No school, no friends 

Summer means being sent outside to play 

By myself 

Being woken early by the sun 

Autumn in my favourite 

Back to school 

New shoes, new jotters 

Fresh white pages ready to be filled 

Routine, friends 

Not stuck at home 

Winter means wrapping up warm 

Sleeping 

Reading 

Staying inside 

Snowdrops = my birthday
Downhill from there

Opposites attract

Princess Morag has been amused this week at yet another demonstration of the difference between her and her husband. While she has been celebrating the fact that she now has people to say hello to as she bumps into them around town, (something that she sorely missed when she first moved to this new realm) Sir Rianus has actually started to find it trying that people know him!! Church, community theatre, MOPS, pre-school gates: these are places that Princess Morag counts as opportunity for social interaction. She is grateful that over the course of seven months they have borne friendship fruit.

Healing

Princess Morag is prone to romantic notions about all sorts of things in life and emotional healing was something that she thought must be a soothing, satisfying experience.  And even after some painful probing of her preconceived ideas about the state of her life and relationships bore some fruit when confronted by a wise counsellor it somehow took her a while to realise that 'healing' is not a pretty process - it is difficult, confusing but eventually immensely helpful.

Recently she was plagued by lots and lots of thinking, analyzing and more thinking and analyzing till she spiraled into despair.  Reading a particularly helpful book for the situation, talking to a friend and being prayed for all led to the wonderful realisation that more healing was taking place, it wasn't time to despair, it was time to celebrate!  One of those completely turned upside down occasions that the bible seems to talk about quite often.  This is what James has to say in chapter 1:

 ² Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters,^[a] whenever you face trials of many kinds, ³ because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. ⁴ Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. ⁵ If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you.

The middle of healing is hard work and not much fun - but Princess Morag now counts anything that makes her aware of her need for God and His strength and power and direction as a GOOD thing.  

a poem

wary, weary
barely breathing
trapped

invisible divinity
gives dignity
freedom

Six words

Princess Morag was challenged today to describe herself in six words.  And they came to mind surprisingly quickly: born again, a child of God.  And those sweet words soothed her soul because they are true.  Although Princess Morag has identified herself as a Christian for half her life, it has only been a year since the phrase 'born again' held any resonance for her.  It means a new start, letting go of the hurts and hardship of the past and she is not yet used to the idea that her primary identity is that of child of God.  Because if that is who she is, then she is undoubtedly loved and therefore lovable.

Voices

The soundtrack to Princess Morag's day consists mostly of the voices of her two small children - either making happy play noises, or whiny requests for mummy to get something for them.  With the background noise of dishwasher, washing machine or tumble drier being in use.  And since her birthday, Princess Morag is once again able to hear music and dance in the kitchen (it's the best room for dancing you know) because she has an i-pod dock/speaker thing that looks like a donut.  Furthermore, yesterday Sir Rianus informed her that there IS a way to turn off the sound of his talk radio shows recording on the computer without turning the speakers off entirely - Hallelujah!

With everything going on Princess Morag is not really able to have a quiet quiet time, but she perseveres nonetheless.  She has mostly been doing her bible study homework at the lunch table and despite interruptions and noise, she can hear God talking to her - not audibly but often straight to her heart.  There is very little conversation to be heard in the Princess's day, except those slightly bewildering exchanges she has with her three and four-year-old children, but what can't be heard is the constant babbling going on in her head.  You see, the inner critic residing in her brain thinks that the best plan of attack for this stay at home mother is to constantly criticise and spew negativity into her spirit so that she feels like she can no longer function in any aspect of her life :(  Now do you understand why she perseveres with the attempt at a quiet time?  How else can she counteract the attack from a bodiless, soundless enemy from within.  

Freedom comes when Princess Morag is able to leave her dwelling place and go to the rehearsal hall.  There she is released from her responsibilities and is free to sing and dance and celebrate life in the story of another - what joy.  And the critic leaves her alone there because she is not thinking of herself, she is dreaming awake in the attempt to lead others in the same dream.

Hiding

Princess Morag recognised the issue that a fellow blogger wrote of last month: the phenomenon of people thinking you have your life altogether if you are thin and smile a lot.
http://momastery.com/blog/2012/01/19/telling-secrets

Smiling is Princess Morag's default polite face - it is her aim in all interactions with fellow human beings to try to help them feel more comfortable and flashing a smile is her normal strategy for this - it is not too difficult and it doesn't require touching the other person. Being thin is not part of Princess Morag's internal self-image but when she looks in the mirror she can understand that is what other people see. Pregnancy kind of messes up your internal self-image, way more than puberty ever did; where did enormous bump suddenly come from? And those boobs were massive for a while and then they shrunk :( It's a very confusing time when your body is invaded by two small humans in two consecutive years.

Anyway, Princess Morag wants to assure the world, as Glennon did, that being thin and smiling in NO WAY indicates that she has got everything together. There is no direct correlation between any body size/shape and level of happiness, it is just not that simple, but we like to think it maybe is because then we would be happy...if only....[insert your own condition]

Princess Morag is not UNhappy at being thin, but the reason she is thin is 2.5 years of breastfeeding and a smidgen of self-neglect. In fact she is pretty ambivalent about her body, not sure that she feels entirely at home in it. Sometimes she retreats so far into her body she feels like a bodyless baby in a shell with peepholes, and then she remembers that the people walking around her can only see the shell (so she smiles).

Princess Morag likes to think she is good at communication, and hopes one day that she might get trained to become a most excellent counsellor. But it was when she went to counselling herself she realised that eye contact is not always such a comfortable thing for her, letting people see who she is, that's a bit scary. And her body lets her know sometimes that it is not a shell, because it has muscles, that get sore and so her massage therapist is the other person who forces her to reveal herself and then release some of the pain that she has been carrying around, hiding in her shell, feeling small and unsure of herself.

dance shoes

Princess Morag has lost her dance shoes.  They might be in the multiple boxes that have been hibernating in the garage of the house in the new realm, or they might have been donated amongst many many things in the old realm.  Princess Morag is on a mission to discover the truth.  She needs the shoes because she is rehearsing to play a chorus part in 'Hello Dolly' and at rehearsal this week her slip-on shoe slipped off when doing a dance move and hit a fellow cast member (oops!)

The young maiden Kayley enjoys dancing also.  She has been admired the world over for her lack of inhibition in church, using her beautiful three year old body to worship the Lord during the singing of praise songs without any inhibition.  When she invited her mother to join her dancing in the aisles, Princess Morag was gripped by the fear of adulthood and could not bear the thought of everyone watching her despite the desire in her heart to copy her young daughter.

Princess Morag is reminded, through these events, of when she was a very young schoolgirl skipping round the dinner hall in her blue leotard and white dance skirt.  And her first and only dance performance as a beautiful colourful flower.  The joy of ballet lessons was unfortunately short-lived.  Impending open heart surgery required that particular extracurricular activity be given up, much to the young princess's dismay.  

Ten years later, the Princess took the matter into her own hands and enrolled her teenage self into modern dance lessons at which point she bought the shoes that are now somewhere in the garage or somewhere on the other side of the world!  At the same time as attempting to find the shoes, Princess Morag is trying to find her four year old self who skipped with a joyful heart and an eager desire to please.  She wants to tell her that she is brilliant, that she should keep dancing if it makes her happy and that not only will her earthly audience be delighted, so will her heavenly Father.

David, wearing a linen ephod, danced before the LORD with all his might.  2Samuel 6.14  

God soup

Princess Morag was led towards a bit of a revelation the other Sunday at church.  Where is God?  The preacher asked, and it was very easy for the princess to nod in agreement when he said "God is everywhere".  But as he went on to point out, the words of our mouths and the beliefs in our minds are not necessarily heartfelt or demonstrated in our behaviour.   Princess Morag was asked to ponder whether praying to God was like a (long distance) telephone call, or a face to face - in the same room conversation.   If God is everywhere, then He is in the very space around us, and if He is just a breath away...

Well, what does that mean?  To Princess Morag it became a new way of looking at the world, if God fills all the space in the room she occupies then that means she lives in God soup - and that's pretty cool.  A morsel of Princess Morag in the broth of God.  A believer in Jesus to avoid the wrath of God :)

An advent reflection

Christmases 2007 and 2008 were full of wonder for Princess Morag. While she listened to the story of Jesus' birth, she was keenly aware of the new life growing inside her and felt a closer connection to the Christmas story than ever before. And suddenly Mary seemed to matter a lot more; she was not some side-line character - she was amazing, an inspiration, someone to be marvelled.

Motherhood binds women together in a way nothing else can, and the binding element is pain and sacrifice. It is absolutely inevitable from the moment of conception that this will be the outcome. So in this advent season Princess Morag prays for all mothers: that they wait with Mary for the joyful birth of Jesus, receive him in their hearts and be filled with the love that will bear any pain or sacrifice for their children whether they are on earth or already in heaven.

Princess What's your name?

Princess Morag has reached the new world and is settling in nicely with lots of space for the little master and maiden to play away the sunny days. Meeting people and making friends is being hindered slightly by the decision made 31 years ago by her parents to give her the lovely Scottish name that she bears. "What's your name?" is asked followed by some strange attempt at repeating the very simple two syllables that Princess Morag just uttered. It is all to do with emphasis and accent and apparently it is more difficult than Princess Morag realised. She has considered using a different name but the problem with that is that she has always been pretty happy with the one that she was given and can't really bear the thought of answering to a different label. So perseverance is the answer, plus she has worked out her preferred pronunciation: "More-rag" - the coaching of the locals can now commence!

All at sea

Princess Morag feels like her life is in the middle of the Atlantic ocean right now. She can almost see the shores of the New Land but so much paddling is still to be done! Sir Rianus has already left for their new home town and is looking for a suitable dwelling place in which their family will be reunited. Meanwhile Princess Morag is packing up their old life and hoping to leave all the rubbish behind.

With many big hurdles already overcome, Princess Morag is desperately clinging on to her faithful God - He is a rock to stand on, and has the power to enable her to achieve the impossible. Not quite able to see how everything is going to work out, Princess Morag is having to rely on hope and trust and friends - the real treasure of life wherever it is lived!

Sharing a moment in history

Princess Morag recently watched the royal matrimonial festivities with her daughter.  The young maiden Kayley was captivated by the combination of princess and wedding - what more could a little girl ask for?  It was a moment in history and a potential topic of female conversation for years to come!  A day that every princess (whether the title is accurately bestowed or simply claimed as their own) looks forward to, that of being a bride.  Sir Rianus and Princess Morag had only the week before celebrated that six years had passed since their own nuptials so William and Catherine's wedding naturally harked back to their own, especially since both couples met in the same ancient town.

Young master Ryan showed only a passing interest in the events unfolding on the television screen.  His attention was mostly directed towards the computer screen where the activities of Thomas the tank engine and his friends on the island of Sodor were centre stage.  Gender stereotypes are alive and well in the house of Renfroana (and on television advertisements for toys!)  From her own observations and from the research of noteworthy psychologists, Princess Morag is sure there is credence to the idea that these differences in male and females are a result of nature.  But she does not underestimate the importance of a nurturing environment in developing healthy patterns of behaviour and relationship for each of her children and continues to strive to help them in their growing years towards the lofty goal the Bishop of London spoke of in his sermon at the Royal Wedding: to find "their deepest and truest selves".  Come Holy Spirit to help all families live lives full of love, joy and peace.

Empathy and Alcohol

On the occasion of her thirty-first birthday, Princess Morag concluded that an appropriate celebration might involve a small gathering of her friends with whom she has journeyed the last three years of motherhood.  So off to the pub they went and on her return Princess Morag was bearing a big smile on her face.  This does not happen frequently enough, especially in the last year when she has felt quite blue quite often.  One of her friends attributed this change in affective state to the benefit of empathy and alcohol.  Princess Morag thinks she is probably right.

The hardest job in the world

Princess Morag is starting to return to the land of the living after 3ish years of being a mummy of 2. Sleep deprivation is not as severe and her small charges can almost be trusted to be left alone to play. In fact master Ryan and maiden Kayley are excellent playmates for one another - something that Princess Morag daily thanks her Heavenly Father for! So while usefully engaged in domestic activity of daily living, Princess Morag got complacent for a minute after thinking - "wow I've been so productive today, this staying at home mummying is getting easy". Obviously a psychic challenge for her daughter to have an 'accident' on the playmat and then take the skin off her big toe and require TLC for 20 minutes.
But still, Princess Morag had dinner ready for her husband coming home (only been achieved a handful of times since master Ryan was born!) and left her workplace for refuge in wise counsel and choral singing, safe in the knowledge that her mother in law was probably right the other day when she said "you're doing the hardest job in the world".

Snow Days

Over the summer and autumn months it has been quite common to find Princess Morag quite despondent about her daily life.  Being a MOP (Mother of Preschooler) is always challenging, but she finds her mental and emotional resources drained rather than stimulated.  The thought of being stuck in the house for days on end with  two demanding small people would normally strike fear into the heart of Princess Morag but after facing up to this predicament following large quantities of snowfall she has found that if she leans on her God, he is more than sufficient to rescue her!  

Princess Morag has found since being a full time mother that she is constantly being stretched to be more patient, to exercise more self-control and basically to bear all the fruits of the Holy Spirit all of the time.  This is obviously a bit tricky, made even more so by having zero time to do anything that might involve peace and quiet and preferably privacy.  OK, so maybe not zero time, but very little time and if something has to give it is normally her sleep because like the inspiration for this blog, the only time Princess Morag's brain cells start to fire in patterns that might produce something intelligible for grown up people is when she is lying in bed trying to fall asleep.  The rest of the day her brain is singing children's television theme tunes or trying to prevent the next tantrum from occurring.  

So the snow forced Princess Morag to stay at home and she has been quite relieved that she no longer has to expend considerable energy in trying to get two toddlers ready to go out.  Normally two pairs of socks must be procured from the drawer (and the day of the week must be ascertained for Master Ryan's socks to be the right ones - it is not good when the sock of the correct day is in the laundry!), the children and the socks usually run away at this point so they must be chased down and encouraged to sit down until the socks are on the feet.  Repeat process with two pairs of shoes, and trying to clean two sets of teeth and then to put on two jackets and now that it is winter, gloves and hats as well!!!!!  So, Princess Morag was not sorry to lay to rest that little routine for a week or so!  

Life has been a more relaxed affair for the little family as they fill the short daylight hours with gentle activity until Sir Rianus returns from his labours in the workplace.  Time has passed quickly and although it may not appear that anything exciting has happened in these snow filled days, Princess Morag has felt her spirits lift when noticing the small mercies that God has sent her way - prayer answered and patience given.   

love, discipline and confrontation

Parenthood is a challenge; currently it is a hard physical and emotional slog for Princess Morag but it is not too complicated:  feed them, clean them, make sure they sleep, and love them in every way possible.  Today, Princess Morag has reflected on how discipline is an important part of loving your children, as you want them to know right from wrong, and in the end be a good person able to relate to other people.  It is a personal challenge to know how to incorporate this into a parent and child relationship but neglecting to do so can only spell disaster.  Neither Princess Morag or Sir Rianus are confrontational, they dislike situations where there is conflict.  And generally the wee man and his maiden sister are similarly peace-loving, To be faced with children and parents who are not of the same ilk has happened a few times already and the Renfroana household may have to learn how to handle such situations.

Princess Morag went to the local indoor play area today with her two toddling children.  It is a great space for them to run and climb and generally use up some of the extraordinary amount of energy they have despite such early rises every morning!  It is theoretically a safe place as it is all made of padded material making falling down a painless experience.  But Princess Morag has been plagued by thoughts of a troubling interaction with a boisterous pre-schooler and his mother.  On first impressions, the boy simply seemed high spirited but then there was cry from the son of the Princess and circumstances implicated the boy.  While comforting her son, Princess Morag was surprised to be pushed by the boy and despite her brief remonstration, he later pushed and tried to kick her. Not keen to enter into a major confrontation with his mother, Princess Morag did try to indicate his inappropriate actions to her, but she was not terribly interested and did not make effort to make amends in any way.  Princess Morag was quite taken aback that a child should be so disrespectful of an adult, but presumably he had never been educated in the general principles of acceptable social behaviour.

Princess Morag predicts a poor outcome for this boy who was so obviously seeking adult attention in any way he could get it, and despite all attempts only provoked a weak response from his mother.  Does she think that it is someone else's job to discipline him?  Is it the job of teachers or social workers or the police or the courts; sadly all of the above will probably try to make amends for her neglect but it will probably be too late.  He needs her to love him enough to tell him no, and mean it.  Should Princess Morag have told her so?  Is anyone else going to?  Princess Morag prays that someone will.  Princess Morag learned in her working world about being assertive - this means approaching confrontations with calmness, kindness and respect - always easier said than done, but she'll work on it some more.