the longest day

Princess Morag remembers those looooong days (and nights) when the young master and maiden were babies and the feeding and changing and rocking and feeding and changing just never stopped.  This week Sir Rianus and the Princess decided to celebrate their eighth wedding anniversary by getting some sort of virus that made them feel quite nauseous.  It's more romantic than it seems as it brought back memories of the first two trips they took together when they were dating.  These trips were far more intimate than they should have been in all the wrong ways!  And feeling sick did make their 'special day' seem never ending!  In fact the whole week has felt that way to Princess Morag as she has continued to experience symptoms and the usual antics of the children seem to increase in irritation value.  There have been cute moments, such as the young maiden bringing her "tuggly toys" to sit beside the Princess and comfort her, but the Princess is hoping that the lingering lurgy, as Sir Rianus coined it, will soon no longer be a feature of their lives.  Let the days be short and merry, not long and nauseated....please!

^" But do not forget this one thing, dear friends: with the Lord a day is like a thousand years, and a thousand years are like a day." 2 Peter3:8

emotional manna

Sometimes the Princess gets bloated, and thanks to having two babies, in two years, by two c-sections her stomach muscles are not exactly resistant and so she tends to look pregnant when this happens.  Princess Morag also gets emotionally bloated, and when trapped wind or trapped emotions sneak out, it's kind of embarrassing.

Recently Princess Morag has been looking for, and recording the emotional manna of each day.  She suspects that the Israelites when they were wandering in the desert didn't get much indigestion.  Being sustained on the weird new bread that was fresh every morning, they were able to get on with their wandering.  Princess Morag finds her manna in fragments of her day - today the maiden was excitedly blowing bubbles and there was enormous peace in that - a reminder to be still, and know that God is with us.

Princess Morag also received a package today.  The gifts for her children and the words on a page brought laughter, tears, joy, relief and love to her soul.  There is much power in gift-giving, in generosity and the ability to receive.

Princess Morag was also nourished by the artistic creations of her children, inspired by their lack of self-consciousness in  what they were doing and their lightness of heart.  She delighted in their talent and did not think to compare it to anyone else's.

God told the Israelites that they could not store their manna for the next day, except for the day before the Sabbath when they were to collect twice as much.  And so it is with the little things that 'keep us going', they cannot be saved, but they can be treasured.  The little maiden will be one day older tomorrow and soon not so little anymore, but the Princess is trying to trust that there still will be manna, it might look different, but will hopefully be just as sweet to savour on the day it is given.

Safe space

Princess Morag wonders where is your safe space?  Recently the Princess was inspired to create a sensory retreat for her kids in the bottom of their closet.  And the young master caught on with the concept thanks to the Dinosaur Train episode in which Mrs Pteranodon sends all her children away to find a 'calm space'.  When his sister has been crying recently he wants to make her go into the calm space but so far she has resisted his command!

Today Glennon was asking how we can keep our babies safe in this world.  The princess has taken this question to heart since her offspring arrived because from the moment they are conceived a mother's heart is full of anxiety for them. And she knew that her fear could rule their lives and Princess Morag didn't want to live in fear, or her children live in the shadow of it.  It seems to the princess that to be known and loved and accepted are the prerequisites for being able to take reasonable risks.  The princess put herself in a precarious position once when she was a teenager and is thankful that no harm was done to her.  She thinks maybe the people who take risky risks are testing how far they can go, because they want someone to catch them, they are not at all sure that they can count on others; if they come to harm then what does it matter if nobody knows or notices or cares? There is no safe space to turn to.

On the other hand, if there is a safe space, if there is someone who will catch you when you fall, you can try flying and keep trying even if you keep crashing to begin with.  What can be more dangerous than living a life of love?  Where is the safe space you can retreat to when it threatens to crash down on you?

Keep me safe, my God,
    for in you I take refuge.  Psalm 16.1

Follow God’s example, therefore, as dearly loved children ² and live a life of love, just as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us as a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God.  Ephesians 5. 1-2

hoping better

Princess Morag gets frustrated with her husband quite often over his pessimism.  And has always thought of herself as an optimist.  But recently she's been struggling with that idea.  Probably because she has been living in a bit of a dark cloud despite the sun shining on her every time she leaves the castle apartment.  She's been reading the bible and considering God's promises to his people.  He seems pretty keen to give them good things.  At the beginning of the year the Princess was trying to hold on fast to those promises, that 2013 would contain good things for her and her family.  Four months later and optimism just doesn't cut it.  She knows what she needs is FAITH.  Whenever she tries to figure out with her little human mind, how things are going to work out - she gets stuck and goes round in unsatisfying circles.  She knows deep down that God is a God of surprises, that he does the unexpected, that he makes a way where there is no way.  So her efforts at foretelling the future are futile and disheartening.  And even the things she hopes for are probably not on the same wavelength as what God is thinking about.  Most of the time her optimism reaches the extent of hoping for a little bit better than the worst case scenario. And when she suspects that God might have bigger plans she gets scared and hides.  So hiding in a back room like the disciples did even after the resurrection, she is waiting for something to happen. And she's struggling to trust that whatever happens whether within the realms of her imagination or not, it will be for the best.

..." a better hope is introduced, by which we draw near to God". (Hebrews 7.16)

nurse for the day

Princess Morag has been stressing out lately about what she's supposed to be doing with her days. What is her priority? Today even before events unfolded she stopped tying her thoughts in knots and figured it had to be her children. Sometimes (most of the time) the Princess makes things way more complicated than they need to be. So right now she is holding her feverish four year old with satisfaction because there isn't anything better than snuggling with her daughter even though she does wish for her to be well.

doctor death threats

Healthcare is different in the new realm.  Princess Morag isn't sure she likes it.  Nobody really calls the Princess on the telephone, so it was disturbing to get a call.  And then another call after she ignored the first one.  This is how it goes - the doctor tells the nurse to call, the nurse calls to say the doctor wants to order blood tests, she isn't even very nice about it, the patient is supposed to comply.  The thing is, these are 'routine' blood tests and the Princess isn't feeling very compliant, especially when she knows that it is going to cost her money.  She also feels quite rebellious towards medial professionals in general.  She doesn't always believe that 'doctor knows best'.  What if the doctor has a big ego or is covering his own back or is just trying to make some money?

Due to her ignoring the problem, hoping it would magically go away, the Princess received a letter.  It was quite shocking.  "I informed you that it was necessary to get certain tests done.  I strongly urge you to proceed with this without further delay.  Your neglect in this matter may result in missed diagnosis, resulting in grave consequences, including disability and death."  Princess Morag did not expect such a strongly worded admonishment over a few routine blood tests.  She's still quite unimpressed over the whole matter.  It makes her anxious for a number of reasons - she's rule-breaking by not doing as she was told, the doctor is saying it could be a matter of life and death and she's really a bit scared of dying, and she's embarrassed by the whole thing snowballing into a big deal.  And if she's the 'customer' in this situation, why are they not being more polite?

Princess Morag isn't going to be a 'good patient', it's a rubbish role.  Patient-centred care is a strange myth that is banded around by allied health professionals and completely ignored by most doctors.  Princess Morag knows that she isn't very good at self-care, but she isn't fond of being bullied either.  She's not ill, so she doesn't want to go to the doctor - simples!

feeling at home

Princess Morag, Sir Rianus and the small people celebrated Easter at the church where the latter three were baptised.  The young master complained that he didn't like that church, as it was too big, Princess Morag was apt to agree.  There were many family members and friends to be visited over the long weekend so returning to the current castle apartment was a relief.  But Princess Morag felt most at home when this morning she was sandwiched between her two children.  The fruit of her womb on either side, she sighed savouring the sense of belonging together before getting ready for the resumption of routine.

small things, big victories

Princess Morag is having one of those days.  When life is just plain hard.  When doing small things: like eating, and breathing, and driving safely - these are accomplishments.  And doing bigger things that take courage: like making a phone call are victories.  Holding herself together enough not to cry (well, at least in public) takes great effort and getting out of bed required more strength than anyone would know.

maiden wishes

Princess Morag has been pondering what she wishes for her daughter. And concluded that when one thinks of such things, it is not just about the future of her little maiden, it will naturally reflect the things she wishes for herself.  So in the darkness, with her daughter snug beside her, she hoped for these things:

• that she would know she is loved
• that she would not fear her own anger or other emotions but accept them for what they are trying to teach her
• that she would follow God's leading in her life.

Life isn't often like a fairytale, but Princess Morag hopes that her maiden loves the Prince of Peace and King of Kings above all others.

" Do not put your trust in princes, in mortal men, who cannot save...Blessed is he whose help in the God of Jacob, whose hope is the LORD his God, the Maker of heaven and earth, the sea, and everything in them- the LORD, who remains faithful forever."  Psalm 146:3-6

letting go

Princess Morag is trying to let go of something...someONE.  It is hard.  Especially when that someone has been important for so long.  But there is hardly even anything left to let go of.  When she pictured her hand letting go, it was dust that escaped.  The life of what she was holding on to was long gone.  So she is handing that person over to the Lord.  And trying to count all the blessings who are IN her life, and are good.

"You are my Lord, apart from you, I have no good thing."  Psalm 16:2

when "enuf" is enough

Princess Morag remembers a piece of composition she did when she was seven or eight years old.  She does not remember anything about the particular piece of writing except for one word.  She was attempting to use the word 'enough' in a sentence, but was frustrated in the process by the fact that she could not for the life of her remember how to spell the word.  In the end, she purposely chose to spell it phonetically "enuf", because she decided it was more important to finish the story than be stuck on the one word.

When her work was given back to her, and the word spelled correctly in red pen by her teacher, Princess Morag was relieved.  She now had the answer to her frustration, even though she was annoyed that she had not remembered on her own.  She had the answer now....and that was enough!

Somewhere in life along the way following this incident, Princess Morag picked up the idea that purposely making a mistake (even if necessary) was almost criminal.  And to receive correction, was a shameful experience.  This kind of perfectionism is not helpful in any area of life.  It serves only to paralyse and create pain.

The eight year old Princess Morag understood that making a small error (even on purpose) might be necessary in order to finish the story.  She trusted that this error would be corrected and that such correction would be for her instruction, and therefore good.  Is it possible to relearn the faith of a child?

"She obeys no one, she accepts no correction.
 She does not trust in the LORD,
 she does not draw near to her God." (Zephaniah 3:2)

Goldie

Princess Morag has never mourned an animal before.  When she was a kid her goldfish died, while she was on holiday, so the neighbours bought a new one.  When she found out the story, she kind of wished they hadn't bothered and she doesn't remember when the new one passed on.

But Goldie; this is different.  Goldie greeted her arrival in California 11 years ago with enormous enthusiasm followed by noticeable jealousy that she was no longer the 'girl' in Sir Rianus' life!!  And she chaperoned the Princess and Sir Rianus many a time while they were still courting.  Goldie was a pup until old age caught up with her and she could no longer run and jump without pain.  Although, she did still surprise everyone with a burst of energy when the small ones were running around and she couldn't help but join in with the pups!

It will not be the same without her.  Rest in Peace sweet dog.

stuff and boxes

There was a motivation - family coming.  There was a deadline - that day.  So Princess Morag finally did something about the boxes of stuff that had been sitting on the coffee table, embarrassingly for the last five months, since they moved in.  "It doesn't have to be perfect" she told herself, "just better than it was".  And it is better than it was.  However, now there are two full boxes, and two empty boxes on top.  But they have been rearranged so it is no longer the first thing you see when you walk in the door, and it does not obscure the view from the kitchen towards the door, so Princess Morag is more able to see people when they walk in.  

The two bags of too-small clothes were swapped with one bag of fit the children/won't fit in the already too full drawers/closets.  And new Valentines' stuff in new Valentines' baskets were given even though last years are still lingering around.  Old stuff, new stuff, too much stuff. 

fictional friendships

Through her whole life, Princess Morag has sought distraction, solace, companionship and pleasure through reading.  One of her favourite authors from adulthood has helped her to celebrate this particular penchant for fictional community.  Alexander McCall Smith says that it is a "pleasant club to be a member of" when we are "linked by our friendship with a group of fictional people".  So this post is dedicated to Princess Morag's favourite fictional people on the page:

• Henrietta Hedgehog and the other animals of Greenglades Wood (Susannah Bradley)
• the girls of the Chalet School (Elinor M Brent Dyer)
• the inhabitants of Narnia (CS Lewis)
• Anne of Green Gables (LM Montgomery)
• Harry Potter and friends (JK Rowling)
• the residents of Scotland Street (Alexander McCall Smith)

Please comment below with your favourites.... :)

speaking the truth

Princess Morag's children speak the truth.  Sometimes it's not exactly what you want to hear:  "Mummy, you have a crinkly belly button"!  But Princess Morag knows not to take offense because it wasn't intended to be offensive, it was just an observation.  This is helping the princess to be better at hearing and speaking the truth without attaching judgement to it. Her daughter is not saying that a crinkly belly is a bad thing, it's just a crinkly thing, and that's true.

As they grow up, Princess Morag wants to help her children grow in the godly principle of speaking the truth in love.  Which does mean considering the feelings of the person you are speaking to.  The truth is a very powerful thing, and will sometimes cause offense, so we do have to be careful.  But that is not to say we should hide from it, because then we do not really live, and do not really want the best for those we care about.

"Then we will no longer be immature like children. We won’t be tossed and blown about by every wind of new teaching. We will not be influenced when people try to trick us with lies so clever they sound like the truth. ¹⁵ Instead, we will speak the truth in love, growing in every way more and more like Christ, who is the head of his body, the church."  (Ephesians 4:14-15, NLT)

a time to dance

Princess Morag has an inner dancer.  She doesn't get out much due to some excruciating self-consciousness.  But when the princess allows her inner dancer to come out, she normally has a lot of fun (along with some anxiety symptoms that sometimes get mixed up with the feelings of fun).  Princess Morag asked for a dance game for the wii for Christmas so that she could dance in the privacy of her own home and have fun without the added adrenaline of an audience.  And it is good.  She is learning to allow herself to be happy and feel like a teenager again (but a happy one, not the fairly angsty one that she was all those years ago).  Princess Morag is not very good at being happy, so this is part of the strategy to get better at it.

"There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heavens.....

a time to mourn and a time to DANCE...."  (Ecclesiastes 3)

beautiful grief

Princess Morag went to see Les Miserables again last night.  She didn't cry quite as much, but that meant that her vision was better to notice more small details about the film. She was struck by the beauty in the moments of grief.  When Marius was singing 'Empty chairs and empty tables' there was such beauty in his face and voice and tears.  What makes something beautiful? Princess Morag wondered.  And later she wondered if the answer might be when that something is pure, when it is truth, when it is love.  And grief in an odd way celebrates all those things.  It commemorates the good times that were shared with a person, when there was a soul connection with someone, when there was love.  And in the words of another song at the end of the musical "to love another person is to see the face of God".

It is in losing something or in longing for something that we appreciate its value.  So sometimes grief for something one has never had is a gift more than instant gratification would be.  Does Eponine know how much Marius' love is worth in her unrequited relationship more than Cosette knows it in its fulilment?  Princess Morag's heart has always echoed much more in 'On my own' than 'A heart full of love'.  She knows what it is to recognise when the love she has longed for is not possible and to grieve for it; to be counted upon by the one she loves and longs for, but be simultaneously overlooked.

Loving someone who doesn't love us back in the way we want hurts, but it makes us cry out to the author of love, and in our pain and grief there is somehow beauty - it is God's promise to us:

"to comfort all who mourn, and provide for those who grieve in Zion—to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes" Isaiah 61:3 (NIV)

magical mess

Princess Morag is tired: hoping-she-isn't-sick tired.  So she was quite dismayed that the children's room had toys strewn all over the place and really really wished their was a more magical way to tidy the mess than physically picking it up herself.  She had attempted to create a sense of responsibility in her offspring and threatened to throw away the toys if they weren't picked up.  Today this did not have the desired motivational effect.  Instead of hurriedly picking up, her five year old declared himself whinily "tired" and when her angry outburst obviously made the whole situation much worse, Princess Morag resorted to giving up and comforting the boy with the tired tantrum wishing that she had a house elf to save the day.

clickity clack

click, click, click....It's the cyber equivalent of hitting her head off a wall, and Princess Morag knows that but figures her fingers won't bruise from the mouse but her head probably would on the wall.  She knows that the connection she craves is not going to be found through the mindless clicking but it is hard to pull herself away from the screen.  It is easy to get confused since so many spiritual resources are now located on the computer - her daily devotional in her email inbox, the biblegateway website: every version at the click of a button, and various Christian bloggers inspire and encourage her regularly.  But still......she clicks and is unsatisfied.

As the deer pants for streams of water,
    so my soul pants for you, my God.
² My soul thirsts for God, for the living God.
    When can I go and meet with God?  Psalm 42:1-2 (NIV)

She reigned victorious

Princess Morag wasn't sure about Christmas season 2012.  Forget three wise men, what about three sets of grandparents to deal with!  It went more smoothly than she had feared, and her travel agent duties she discovered, are easier to handle on the phone than the internet.

Visits to the underwater animals, and the dinosaur skeletons seemed to keep everyone, no matter what age, pretty happy!  There were lots of presents given and received, and shopping trips made until the car was brimming on its way back to the middle of nowhere.  The grandparents from afar made the trek to the humble hamlet in the desert and Princess Morag hopes they returned to their green land with a good report.

Receiving visitors from her homeland was something to rejoice when they brought good tidings and treats from whence they came.  However, when it was time for them to leave, they took that refreshment of spirit that came with their voices and familiar way with them, and Princess Morag found herself quite bewildered once again to be living in a place so foreign.  Yet overall, she entered 2013 in a contended spirit and with hope for good things to come.

You crown the year with Your bounty, and Your carts overflow with abundance.  Psalm 65:11 NIV

not by sight

Princess Morag lives near quite spectacular mountains - this has been good compensation for the lack of precipitation and greeness.  Last weekend the clouds descended, and the sky was grey (she was happy about this) and she stood on the balcony and stared and stared.  Normally she would enjoy the view of the peaks in front of her, but that day she could see nothing but cloud.  And she used her minds eye to remember what it normally looked like; remembering the majesty of the mountains.  It was difficult, even though it was her daily view, it took effort to believe that they were still there.  She knew of course that they were - as mountains don't often run away - and she realised that she was pondering the business of FAITH.

God is even bigger than the mountains, and he never leaves us or forsakes us, yet we can't see him.  Our lives are full of big bad clouds that want to make us forget the majesty, forget the glory, forget reality.

"We live by faith, not by sight" 2Corinthians 5:7

self-deception

The heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure.
    Who can understand it?  Jeremiah 17:9


Princess Morag was somewhat dismayed (to put it mildly) a couple of weeks ago when she realised that a particular self-neglecting behaviour was much worse than she'd been telling herself.  It seems that lying to yourself is pretty easy, and deflecting others from broaching the issue not too difficult either.  She received a 'wake-up call' and has been humbled in the process.  Princess Morag has had a tendency for a long time to think she is 'super-Morag' when in fact she is simply regular 'human-Morag' and when she read on this blog:  that pretending not to have any needs is trying to be God, her conviction on this particular issue was complete. 

Rain

Princess Morag was so grateful for the rain last week.  She is not made for the desert.  She smiled at the grey sky, enjoyed the hunt for the rain jackets, and was horrified that the young master and little maiden had forgotten the concept of a hood to keep the rain off their small heads!  Then, after dropping off all the work/school attenders, she sat in the quiet apartment looking out at the rain falling and the puddles forming with a cup of coffee in her hand and satisfaction in her heart.  It was like God had pressed her reset button and the tension of waiting....waiting....for the rain was gone.

 ^"Be patient, then, brothers and sisters, until the Lord’s coming. See how the farmer waits for the land to yield its valuable crop, patiently waiting for the autumn and spring rains. ⁸ You too, be patient and stand firm, because the Lord’s coming is near."   James 5:7-8 NIV

bubbles

Princess Morag was blowing bubbles this afternoon with the young maiden's new birthday present - a Minnie Mouse tea set where the cups and spoons have little holes you blow through to make the bubbles and the 'tea' is bubble mixture.  The feature where you pour the bubble mixture into the saucer and then use the teacup to blow bubbles has the added advantage of it being less likely to get all over your hands.  Princess Morag has an issue with bubble mixture and it making her gag slightly (yes she knows it is just soap) this is a nice feature in her opinion.  Plus the teacups have a bigger hole and therefore make larger bubbles.

As she watched some of the bubbles float away she could see how they were all different, and had different rainbow hues.  And as she watched some of them pop instantly and some drift away for a while before popping she thought of how they really were like dreams.  Princess Morag considers herself a bit of a dreamer and sometimes it is just a momentary thought, a what if...?  And sometimes it is a treasured idea of something she would like in her life, or something about herself....

Unfortunately Princess Morag has painfully learned that she has people close to her in life who are bubble bursters and seem to delight in making her dreams go 'pop'.  This makes her conscious to respond kindly when her children talking fancifully about things, because sometimes we say our dreams out loud just to enjoy their rainbow colours for a moment, not necessarily believing that the bubble is something solid that we can keep.

mornings

Princess Morag has never been a morning person, she rather loves her bed.  If she attempted to say she has somehow become a 'morning person' anyone in her family would snort with derision at the notion.  So she won't go that far.  BUT, since the summer she no longer holds murderous thoughts towards whoever/whatever woke her, which in her book has got to be progress and pretty miraculous too!

It seems that five years of motherhood, to children who are really strange cheerful creatures in the early hours of the day, has trained her to some degree to cope with rising.  Previously only Christmas morning and catching-a-flight-somewhere mornings were the ones where she could get out of bed with any sort of enthusiasm for the start of a new day.  Princess Morag can't stretch to enthusiasm yet on a normal run of the mill morning, but she does manage sort-of-cheerful-I-know-I-need-to-get-up-ness.  This has stemmed from a growing realisation that her role of mother is essential to the possibility of her household getting ready for leaving the house on time. This has taken on greater importance with Master Ryan's starting school; Princess Morag knows that the young master will fare better if he arrives at school in plenty of time, therefore she has to help him get there.  And now she is grateful for his ability to get up early by himself (in fact his acting as an alarm clock for the whole household) because even though she can muster enough discipline to get herself up now, it wouldn't be strong enough to be shared with another person, certainly not without much grumbling.

"If a man loudly blesses his neighbor early in the morning, it will be taken as a curse."  Proverbs 27:14 (NIV)

Do not worry

Do not worry.  Jesus said that.  He told us not to worry about what we eat/drink/wear or to worry about tomorrow.  Princess Morag knows it is a good idea, and like most good ideas it is terribly difficult to put into practice.  Much the same as getting up early - always a good idea - never easy (unless it is the day you are catching a flight somewhere and then she remarkably finds the motivation to spring out of bed).

Princess Morag was worried over as a child.  And so she tried not to do much worrying herself as then there would definitely have been an excess of worrying going on.  But then adult responsibilities arrived, and parenthood; consequently she has been doing a lot more worrying.  In the baby days, Princess Morag was tempted to go into worry mode - but she recognised that it was dangerous territory.  There is no end of harrowing scenarios that can immediately pop to mind the moment you are not in the same room as your baby, and even if you are holding your baby, you are still not safe....what if.....what if.....  Better just not to go there in your mind.

Now that they are no longer babies and Princess Morag no longer watches them every second of every day, she is finding new things to worry about.  The young master has started school.  The moment Princess Morag had to watch her son walk into the classroom and did not know what was to become of him in the next 4 hours, she had an acorn of panic in her stomach.  Sir Rianus, told her to just get in the car.  She knew she should, but it was taking a lot of discipline not to follow the 5 year olds into the classroom - what were they going to be doing??  Could she really trust the teacher?  The young master was fine.  And so was Princess Morag.  She has since managed to let the boy walk into the classroom 3 more times without following him in. 

She was not so worried about the young maiden starting preschool, so no emotional energy was wasted on the girl who has chirped with happiness every day at pick up time.  

Jesus said we can't add an hour to our lives by worrying (Matthew 6.27) and Princess Morag reckons worrying adds nothing to anyone, it only takes away.  Having being worried over as a child, Princess Morag felt it was like an additional weight she had to bear on top of the health and emotional issues she was already facing.  She wanted someone to take her burden away from her by listening to her and showing compassion - not to have that burden added to by knowing she was causing distress to someone else.  Princess Morag does not want to worry about her children's future - today has enough worries to occupy her anyway and if she is busy worrying about the future she is not present to love her children in the present.  And they are God's present to her everyday, she doesn't want to miss them.

What is saving Princess Morag right now?

http://sarahbessey.com/in-which-we-are-saved-synchroblog/

The morning chorus of her wee ones imaginative play even though it is an earlier hour than Princess Morag ever wants to see/hear.  The sun on her back as she weeds the flower bed - who knew that she might actually enjoy gardening?  The fact that it has rained this week, and there are sometimes clouds in the sky.  Access to the hope of heaven.  News from friends, any news will do, just so she knows they remember her.  The swamp cooler.  Memories of the baby days, without the exhaustion that accompanied them.  Singing and laughing with her children, basking in their love.  Children's spontaneous prayers, revealing their heart.  Praying scripture, knowing it's not possible to do it wrong.  Marvelling at the birds outside and knowing that God thinks us more worthy than our free flying feathered friends.  Walking the neighbourhood, feeling the presence of the mountains hemming her in.

big blessings

Princess Morag reacquainted herself today with one of her old favourite tv programmes - Deal or No Deal.  In today's episode the contestant settled for a low/mid-range winning sum, but she could have had the top prize if she'd kept playing!  It is quite likely that many people do this in life.  Princess Morag is musing over the fact that in order to receive BIG blessings, not only does one need courage, but also the ability to handle the discomfort of doubt.  Faith can only grow by being tested, but that process of being tested is uncomfortable, it involves risk taking and facing the possibility of failure.  Even if the rewards are great, like on the tv show, sometimes we just can't face the short-term suffering of our mental and physical battle with fear - what if the worst happens?  But what if the best was going to happen if we hadn't short changed ourselves?

"Therefore we do not lose heart...For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all" 2Cor4.16-18  (NIV)

sweating in a pool of discontentment

Princess Morag is being forced to live in a climate she is entirely unfamiliar with.  Hot desert is the complete opposite of what her 32 year old body is used to, and it's not adapting awfully well.

Also, when it's sunny and warm you are supposed to spend time outside, right?  But Princess Morag doesn't know what to do outside, except be grumpy about the fact that she's out there and doesn't know what to do.

And the master and young maiden seem to want to be inside when Princess Morag wants to be outside and vice versa - it feels like never ending no-win situations.

Throw in some general anxiety about the future, thorough homesickness, and creeping loneliness and voila: Princess Morag has learned how to be discontent!  This is the opposite of what she was meditating on the other day.  Paul says in Philippians 4.12 "I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation".  Finding Nemo's Dory just came to mind; she says: 'just keep swimming', Princess Morag is going to endeavour to 'just keep praying, just keep praying....'

Why Merida?

You might have read in a previous post the problems Princess Morag has had over her name since moving to the new realm.  She is currently pretty gutted that Pixar decided not to name their Scottish princess after her as it would have made her life a whole lot easier.  What makes it even more galling is that Merida isn't even a Scottish name!!!!  

growing peace

Princess Morag realised today that life over the last few years has involved phases of spiritual development.  The 2010/11 phase can be summed up by the realisation that sometimes the stuff that happens in her life might not always be about her.....

And 2012 has so far been characterised by the growing wisdom of keeping her mouth shut and listening.  Listening to other people and most importantly listening to God.

Despite being simple sayings, neither of those spiritual lessons have been easy.  But when Princess Morag has disciplined her mind and her will to truly believe in the truth of the lesson, there has been peace.  And peace is normally pretty elusive; anxiety is a more familiar companion, but definitely not a friend.  We crave peace but so often we choose distraction instead.  But distraction is only a temporary fix, a 'band-aid' if you will.  To choose peace means you have to stop running away from the fear - face it - confess fearing the fear more than fearing God - ask him for forgiveness, for help, for healing, for direction.....He is faithful.  Praise Him.  

Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition,with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.  Philippians 4:6

Are you a walking corpse of a Christian?

Princess Morag has two brothers.  They would probably both admit to being somewhat self-absorbed.  This became obvious at the wedding of Sir Elder Brother.  Sir Younger Brother was best man so they both made speeches.  The point of the speeches was not to celebrate the marriage of Sir Elder Brother to Fair Sister-In-Law, but to out do each other.  In the midst of this competition and retelling of their historic battles in childhood it was not at all obvious that the household they grew up had also been the home of Princess Morag.  Tales of sister were conspicuously missing.  Yet, these are the same men that at the birth of Master Ryan had congratulated each other for their new titles of 'Uncle' as if they had something to do with the new life of their nephew.  Admittedly Princess Morag had spent his birth lying half paralysed on her back, but he was flesh from her (newly scarred) flesh, and she was confused at the applause that they were giving each other.  Princess Morag was put in mind of this occasion after reading the words of James in the bible:

"Do I hear you professing to believe in the one and only God, but then observe you complacently sitting back as if you had done something wonderful?  That's just great.  Demons do that, but what good does it do them?"  (James Chapter 2, The Message)

James reminds us that faith without works is dead.  Patting ourselves on the backs for 'being a Christian' isn't doing anybody much good, least of all ourself.  Princess Morag is trying to work out how not to be a walking corpse that goes to church on a Sunday, but instead to be a loving, breathing, peace sowing woman walking with God.

staying clean

Princess Morag asked her children to play in the paddling pool, and not in the mud.  But apparently getting dirty is more fun after a while of splashing.  Princess Morag pondered how this same scenario plays out in our spiritual lives.  Good clean fun is fine for a while but it's not very exciting!  We get drawn to the mud and then it becomes very evident where we've been playing just as it was evident in the case of Princess Morag's children.  And they were perfectly pleased with themselves, they'd had fun; but Princess Morag was more grieved because she was the one that had to make them clean.  All the while she was thanking Jesus that it pleases him to make us clean after we've been pleasing ourselves in the mud of our lives.

remembering to be happy

Sir Rianus enjoys photography, a fact that Princess Morag had to get used to when they first started dating.  She had never been photographed so much in her life and she felt very self conscious.  Fast forward ten years and Princess Morag was watching her children frolic in the sun on holiday and wishing that Sir Rianus hadn't already moved to the new realm because the only visual record of the glorious summer afternoon was in her minds eye, and not a digital copy.  The photographs of life in the old world have been a consolation to Princess Morag since moving and she notices that in almost all the photos she is smiling.  Sometimes Princess Morag has a hard time remembering the happy times, yet there are literally hundreds of photographic accounts of her looking pretty happy.  She suspects that her current attitude is colouring her memories somewhat.  Parenting is hard work, marriage is hard work, but it doesn't stop it being something to rejoice in.  Princess Morag is going to pretend that she is having her picture taken several times a day and maybe that will help her to remember to smile :)

seasons of my childhood

I don't like summer 

Summer is lonely 

No school, no friends 

Summer means being sent outside to play 

By myself 

Being woken early by the sun 

Autumn in my favourite 

Back to school 

New shoes, new jotters 

Fresh white pages ready to be filled 

Routine, friends 

Not stuck at home 

Winter means wrapping up warm 

Sleeping 

Reading 

Staying inside 

Snowdrops = my birthday
Downhill from there

Opposites attract

Princess Morag has been amused this week at yet another demonstration of the difference between her and her husband. While she has been celebrating the fact that she now has people to say hello to as she bumps into them around town, (something that she sorely missed when she first moved to this new realm) Sir Rianus has actually started to find it trying that people know him!! Church, community theatre, MOPS, pre-school gates: these are places that Princess Morag counts as opportunity for social interaction. She is grateful that over the course of seven months they have borne friendship fruit.

Healing

Princess Morag is prone to romantic notions about all sorts of things in life and emotional healing was something that she thought must be a soothing, satisfying experience.  And even after some painful probing of her preconceived ideas about the state of her life and relationships bore some fruit when confronted by a wise counsellor it somehow took her a while to realise that 'healing' is not a pretty process - it is difficult, confusing but eventually immensely helpful.

Recently she was plagued by lots and lots of thinking, analyzing and more thinking and analyzing till she spiraled into despair.  Reading a particularly helpful book for the situation, talking to a friend and being prayed for all led to the wonderful realisation that more healing was taking place, it wasn't time to despair, it was time to celebrate!  One of those completely turned upside down occasions that the bible seems to talk about quite often.  This is what James has to say in chapter 1:

 ² Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters,^[a] whenever you face trials of many kinds, ³ because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. ⁴ Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. ⁵ If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you.

The middle of healing is hard work and not much fun - but Princess Morag now counts anything that makes her aware of her need for God and His strength and power and direction as a GOOD thing.  

a poem

wary, weary
barely breathing
trapped

invisible divinity
gives dignity
freedom

Six words

Princess Morag was challenged today to describe herself in six words.  And they came to mind surprisingly quickly: born again, a child of God.  And those sweet words soothed her soul because they are true.  Although Princess Morag has identified herself as a Christian for half her life, it has only been a year since the phrase 'born again' held any resonance for her.  It means a new start, letting go of the hurts and hardship of the past and she is not yet used to the idea that her primary identity is that of child of God.  Because if that is who she is, then she is undoubtedly loved and therefore lovable.

Voices

The soundtrack to Princess Morag's day consists mostly of the voices of her two small children - either making happy play noises, or whiny requests for mummy to get something for them.  With the background noise of dishwasher, washing machine or tumble drier being in use.  And since her birthday, Princess Morag is once again able to hear music and dance in the kitchen (it's the best room for dancing you know) because she has an i-pod dock/speaker thing that looks like a donut.  Furthermore, yesterday Sir Rianus informed her that there IS a way to turn off the sound of his talk radio shows recording on the computer without turning the speakers off entirely - Hallelujah!

With everything going on Princess Morag is not really able to have a quiet quiet time, but she perseveres nonetheless.  She has mostly been doing her bible study homework at the lunch table and despite interruptions and noise, she can hear God talking to her - not audibly but often straight to her heart.  There is very little conversation to be heard in the Princess's day, except those slightly bewildering exchanges she has with her three and four-year-old children, but what can't be heard is the constant babbling going on in her head.  You see, the inner critic residing in her brain thinks that the best plan of attack for this stay at home mother is to constantly criticise and spew negativity into her spirit so that she feels like she can no longer function in any aspect of her life :(  Now do you understand why she perseveres with the attempt at a quiet time?  How else can she counteract the attack from a bodiless, soundless enemy from within.  

Freedom comes when Princess Morag is able to leave her dwelling place and go to the rehearsal hall.  There she is released from her responsibilities and is free to sing and dance and celebrate life in the story of another - what joy.  And the critic leaves her alone there because she is not thinking of herself, she is dreaming awake in the attempt to lead others in the same dream.

Hiding

Princess Morag recognised the issue that a fellow blogger wrote of last month: the phenomenon of people thinking you have your life altogether if you are thin and smile a lot.
http://momastery.com/blog/2012/01/19/telling-secrets

Smiling is Princess Morag's default polite face - it is her aim in all interactions with fellow human beings to try to help them feel more comfortable and flashing a smile is her normal strategy for this - it is not too difficult and it doesn't require touching the other person. Being thin is not part of Princess Morag's internal self-image but when she looks in the mirror she can understand that is what other people see. Pregnancy kind of messes up your internal self-image, way more than puberty ever did; where did enormous bump suddenly come from? And those boobs were massive for a while and then they shrunk :( It's a very confusing time when your body is invaded by two small humans in two consecutive years.

Anyway, Princess Morag wants to assure the world, as Glennon did, that being thin and smiling in NO WAY indicates that she has got everything together. There is no direct correlation between any body size/shape and level of happiness, it is just not that simple, but we like to think it maybe is because then we would be happy...if only....[insert your own condition]

Princess Morag is not UNhappy at being thin, but the reason she is thin is 2.5 years of breastfeeding and a smidgen of self-neglect. In fact she is pretty ambivalent about her body, not sure that she feels entirely at home in it. Sometimes she retreats so far into her body she feels like a bodyless baby in a shell with peepholes, and then she remembers that the people walking around her can only see the shell (so she smiles).

Princess Morag likes to think she is good at communication, and hopes one day that she might get trained to become a most excellent counsellor. But it was when she went to counselling herself she realised that eye contact is not always such a comfortable thing for her, letting people see who she is, that's a bit scary. And her body lets her know sometimes that it is not a shell, because it has muscles, that get sore and so her massage therapist is the other person who forces her to reveal herself and then release some of the pain that she has been carrying around, hiding in her shell, feeling small and unsure of herself.

dance shoes

Princess Morag has lost her dance shoes.  They might be in the multiple boxes that have been hibernating in the garage of the house in the new realm, or they might have been donated amongst many many things in the old realm.  Princess Morag is on a mission to discover the truth.  She needs the shoes because she is rehearsing to play a chorus part in 'Hello Dolly' and at rehearsal this week her slip-on shoe slipped off when doing a dance move and hit a fellow cast member (oops!)

The young maiden Kayley enjoys dancing also.  She has been admired the world over for her lack of inhibition in church, using her beautiful three year old body to worship the Lord during the singing of praise songs without any inhibition.  When she invited her mother to join her dancing in the aisles, Princess Morag was gripped by the fear of adulthood and could not bear the thought of everyone watching her despite the desire in her heart to copy her young daughter.

Princess Morag is reminded, through these events, of when she was a very young schoolgirl skipping round the dinner hall in her blue leotard and white dance skirt.  And her first and only dance performance as a beautiful colourful flower.  The joy of ballet lessons was unfortunately short-lived.  Impending open heart surgery required that particular extracurricular activity be given up, much to the young princess's dismay.  

Ten years later, the Princess took the matter into her own hands and enrolled her teenage self into modern dance lessons at which point she bought the shoes that are now somewhere in the garage or somewhere on the other side of the world!  At the same time as attempting to find the shoes, Princess Morag is trying to find her four year old self who skipped with a joyful heart and an eager desire to please.  She wants to tell her that she is brilliant, that she should keep dancing if it makes her happy and that not only will her earthly audience be delighted, so will her heavenly Father.

David, wearing a linen ephod, danced before the LORD with all his might.  2Samuel 6.14  

God soup

Princess Morag was led towards a bit of a revelation the other Sunday at church.  Where is God?  The preacher asked, and it was very easy for the princess to nod in agreement when he said "God is everywhere".  But as he went on to point out, the words of our mouths and the beliefs in our minds are not necessarily heartfelt or demonstrated in our behaviour.   Princess Morag was asked to ponder whether praying to God was like a (long distance) telephone call, or a face to face - in the same room conversation.   If God is everywhere, then He is in the very space around us, and if He is just a breath away...

Well, what does that mean?  To Princess Morag it became a new way of looking at the world, if God fills all the space in the room she occupies then that means she lives in God soup - and that's pretty cool.  A morsel of Princess Morag in the broth of God.  A believer in Jesus to avoid the wrath of God :)

An advent reflection

Christmases 2007 and 2008 were full of wonder for Princess Morag. While she listened to the story of Jesus' birth, she was keenly aware of the new life growing inside her and felt a closer connection to the Christmas story than ever before. And suddenly Mary seemed to matter a lot more; she was not some side-line character - she was amazing, an inspiration, someone to be marvelled.

Motherhood binds women together in a way nothing else can, and the binding element is pain and sacrifice. It is absolutely inevitable from the moment of conception that this will be the outcome. So in this advent season Princess Morag prays for all mothers: that they wait with Mary for the joyful birth of Jesus, receive him in their hearts and be filled with the love that will bear any pain or sacrifice for their children whether they are on earth or already in heaven.

Princess What's your name?

Princess Morag has reached the new world and is settling in nicely with lots of space for the little master and maiden to play away the sunny days. Meeting people and making friends is being hindered slightly by the decision made 31 years ago by her parents to give her the lovely Scottish name that she bears. "What's your name?" is asked followed by some strange attempt at repeating the very simple two syllables that Princess Morag just uttered. It is all to do with emphasis and accent and apparently it is more difficult than Princess Morag realised. She has considered using a different name but the problem with that is that she has always been pretty happy with the one that she was given and can't really bear the thought of answering to a different label. So perseverance is the answer, plus she has worked out her preferred pronunciation: "More-rag" - the coaching of the locals can now commence!

All at sea

Princess Morag feels like her life is in the middle of the Atlantic ocean right now. She can almost see the shores of the New Land but so much paddling is still to be done! Sir Rianus has already left for their new home town and is looking for a suitable dwelling place in which their family will be reunited. Meanwhile Princess Morag is packing up their old life and hoping to leave all the rubbish behind.

With many big hurdles already overcome, Princess Morag is desperately clinging on to her faithful God - He is a rock to stand on, and has the power to enable her to achieve the impossible. Not quite able to see how everything is going to work out, Princess Morag is having to rely on hope and trust and friends - the real treasure of life wherever it is lived!

Sharing a moment in history

Princess Morag recently watched the royal matrimonial festivities with her daughter.  The young maiden Kayley was captivated by the combination of princess and wedding - what more could a little girl ask for?  It was a moment in history and a potential topic of female conversation for years to come!  A day that every princess (whether the title is accurately bestowed or simply claimed as their own) looks forward to, that of being a bride.  Sir Rianus and Princess Morag had only the week before celebrated that six years had passed since their own nuptials so William and Catherine's wedding naturally harked back to their own, especially since both couples met in the same ancient town.

Young master Ryan showed only a passing interest in the events unfolding on the television screen.  His attention was mostly directed towards the computer screen where the activities of Thomas the tank engine and his friends on the island of Sodor were centre stage.  Gender stereotypes are alive and well in the house of Renfroana (and on television advertisements for toys!)  From her own observations and from the research of noteworthy psychologists, Princess Morag is sure there is credence to the idea that these differences in male and females are a result of nature.  But she does not underestimate the importance of a nurturing environment in developing healthy patterns of behaviour and relationship for each of her children and continues to strive to help them in their growing years towards the lofty goal the Bishop of London spoke of in his sermon at the Royal Wedding: to find "their deepest and truest selves".  Come Holy Spirit to help all families live lives full of love, joy and peace.

Empathy and Alcohol

On the occasion of her thirty-first birthday, Princess Morag concluded that an appropriate celebration might involve a small gathering of her friends with whom she has journeyed the last three years of motherhood.  So off to the pub they went and on her return Princess Morag was bearing a big smile on her face.  This does not happen frequently enough, especially in the last year when she has felt quite blue quite often.  One of her friends attributed this change in affective state to the benefit of empathy and alcohol.  Princess Morag thinks she is probably right.

The hardest job in the world

Princess Morag is starting to return to the land of the living after 3ish years of being a mummy of 2. Sleep deprivation is not as severe and her small charges can almost be trusted to be left alone to play. In fact master Ryan and maiden Kayley are excellent playmates for one another - something that Princess Morag daily thanks her Heavenly Father for! So while usefully engaged in domestic activity of daily living, Princess Morag got complacent for a minute after thinking - "wow I've been so productive today, this staying at home mummying is getting easy". Obviously a psychic challenge for her daughter to have an 'accident' on the playmat and then take the skin off her big toe and require TLC for 20 minutes.
But still, Princess Morag had dinner ready for her husband coming home (only been achieved a handful of times since master Ryan was born!) and left her workplace for refuge in wise counsel and choral singing, safe in the knowledge that her mother in law was probably right the other day when she said "you're doing the hardest job in the world".

Snow Days

Over the summer and autumn months it has been quite common to find Princess Morag quite despondent about her daily life.  Being a MOP (Mother of Preschooler) is always challenging, but she finds her mental and emotional resources drained rather than stimulated.  The thought of being stuck in the house for days on end with  two demanding small people would normally strike fear into the heart of Princess Morag but after facing up to this predicament following large quantities of snowfall she has found that if she leans on her God, he is more than sufficient to rescue her!  

Princess Morag has found since being a full time mother that she is constantly being stretched to be more patient, to exercise more self-control and basically to bear all the fruits of the Holy Spirit all of the time.  This is obviously a bit tricky, made even more so by having zero time to do anything that might involve peace and quiet and preferably privacy.  OK, so maybe not zero time, but very little time and if something has to give it is normally her sleep because like the inspiration for this blog, the only time Princess Morag's brain cells start to fire in patterns that might produce something intelligible for grown up people is when she is lying in bed trying to fall asleep.  The rest of the day her brain is singing children's television theme tunes or trying to prevent the next tantrum from occurring.  

So the snow forced Princess Morag to stay at home and she has been quite relieved that she no longer has to expend considerable energy in trying to get two toddlers ready to go out.  Normally two pairs of socks must be procured from the drawer (and the day of the week must be ascertained for Master Ryan's socks to be the right ones - it is not good when the sock of the correct day is in the laundry!), the children and the socks usually run away at this point so they must be chased down and encouraged to sit down until the socks are on the feet.  Repeat process with two pairs of shoes, and trying to clean two sets of teeth and then to put on two jackets and now that it is winter, gloves and hats as well!!!!!  So, Princess Morag was not sorry to lay to rest that little routine for a week or so!  

Life has been a more relaxed affair for the little family as they fill the short daylight hours with gentle activity until Sir Rianus returns from his labours in the workplace.  Time has passed quickly and although it may not appear that anything exciting has happened in these snow filled days, Princess Morag has felt her spirits lift when noticing the small mercies that God has sent her way - prayer answered and patience given.   

love, discipline and confrontation

Parenthood is a challenge; currently it is a hard physical and emotional slog for Princess Morag but it is not too complicated:  feed them, clean them, make sure they sleep, and love them in every way possible.  Today, Princess Morag has reflected on how discipline is an important part of loving your children, as you want them to know right from wrong, and in the end be a good person able to relate to other people.  It is a personal challenge to know how to incorporate this into a parent and child relationship but neglecting to do so can only spell disaster.  Neither Princess Morag or Sir Rianus are confrontational, they dislike situations where there is conflict.  And generally the wee man and his maiden sister are similarly peace-loving, To be faced with children and parents who are not of the same ilk has happened a few times already and the Renfroana household may have to learn how to handle such situations.

Princess Morag went to the local indoor play area today with her two toddling children.  It is a great space for them to run and climb and generally use up some of the extraordinary amount of energy they have despite such early rises every morning!  It is theoretically a safe place as it is all made of padded material making falling down a painless experience.  But Princess Morag has been plagued by thoughts of a troubling interaction with a boisterous pre-schooler and his mother.  On first impressions, the boy simply seemed high spirited but then there was cry from the son of the Princess and circumstances implicated the boy.  While comforting her son, Princess Morag was surprised to be pushed by the boy and despite her brief remonstration, he later pushed and tried to kick her. Not keen to enter into a major confrontation with his mother, Princess Morag did try to indicate his inappropriate actions to her, but she was not terribly interested and did not make effort to make amends in any way.  Princess Morag was quite taken aback that a child should be so disrespectful of an adult, but presumably he had never been educated in the general principles of acceptable social behaviour.

Princess Morag predicts a poor outcome for this boy who was so obviously seeking adult attention in any way he could get it, and despite all attempts only provoked a weak response from his mother.  Does she think that it is someone else's job to discipline him?  Is it the job of teachers or social workers or the police or the courts; sadly all of the above will probably try to make amends for her neglect but it will probably be too late.  He needs her to love him enough to tell him no, and mean it.  Should Princess Morag have told her so?  Is anyone else going to?  Princess Morag prays that someone will.  Princess Morag learned in her working world about being assertive - this means approaching confrontations with calmness, kindness and respect - always easier said than done, but she'll work on it some more.

Musings at the end of a year

When asked "How are you?" in 2009, Princess Morag invariably replied "tired". She hopes that 2010 might not be characterised by fatigue in quite the same way! In a blur of full time mothering the months have passed without many moments to stop and reflect. The little maiden surprises those around her with her walking and talking as those skills seem so advanced compared to her small stature! Meanwhile the wee man has kept himself very busy with increasingly difficult jigsaw puzzles and Princess Morag wonders at being outsmarted by her 2 year old regularly!

The siblings communicate in a language of their own with shouts of "dadadada" and peals of laughter; they are also fond of running up and down the hallway and throwing things about. Princess Morag is relegated to the role of picker-upper until cuddles are required (thankfully this is often).

Princess Morag longs for a slightly more spacious dwelling than the current castle apartment. And an attached private outdoor space in which the small people could run around wouldn't go amiss either. A machine to wash crockery would be wonderful along with one to blow hot air until garments are dry, but whether these material ambitions are met or not, Princess Morag is hoping for more than a breath of time to herself in 2010. Small steps were taken in the last year to try to reclaim some individual identity including joining a local choir. Singing, she has found, has the capacity to preserve sanity and although a virus prevented her from singing in the Christmas concert, she enjoyed every moment of rehearsal and the exercise it required both physical and mental. Anyway, there could be no more worthwhile occupation than singing praises about the incarnation even without an audience.

Princess Morag has learned a lot about her limits in 2009, and prays that whatever testing circumstances come her way in 2010 may God give her all the grace she needs to get through.

Emerging from winter

Princess Morag had guessed that the first six months of having 'two under two' would be the most challenging. Having survived them she hopes that she was right and that the path is a little easier from now on. The little maiden intially struggled to gain weight, but mummy's milk won in the end and has bestowed her with endearing chubbiness although she remains petite.

Master Ryan is a big fan of his wee sister and happily the feeling seems to be mutual. He has a smile for her even when he is feeling at his most poorly and nothing else will cheer him. Princess Morag is delighted that they are a blessing to one another and prays that their close bond will endure forever.

Winter should be a season for hibernation as far as Princess Morag is concerned, unfortunately her children didn't seem to realise this, but as the days grow longer the desire for sleep is not quite so strong. It would still be very welcome, but seeing the sun is some recompense.

Soon, the sun will be shining down on the family in California when the Princess, Sir Rianus, Master Ryan and the little maiden make a long journey to visit The Grandparents. Much time is currently being spent in positive anticipation of this vacation. Most of it revolves around pleasant weather, eating lots of food, seeing friends and family and shopping. When possible the Princess is practising how to relax in preparation for perhaps having a little time off courtesy of The Grandparents.

Reflections at New Year

Princess Morag bids you a Happy New Year and welcomes the fact that she is entering 2009 without a new life in her belly but a husband and two beautiful children in her home is quite enough.

Christmas has become more special since Princess Morag became a mother. It really is amazing that Jesus was born into a human family and was tiny and helpless, completely relying on mere mortals for his survival. And for Mary, what difficult circumstances (giving birth in a barn for goodness sake!) but what a privelege to be the mother of God!

So 2008 was a family focussed year, characterised by being woken virtually every night to see to baby or go to bathroom - the Princess hopes for better sleep in 2009 but doubts it will happen. Kayley Elizabeth entered the world on September 5th and is good at both crying and smiling, just like her mother. Princess Morag is very proud of herself as she persevered through much pain, tiredness and moments of despair to continue breastfeeding her new babe (who was much more inclined to do so than her brother) and the magic milk is working as the little maiden has started to get chubbier every day.

Becoming a mother of two has been a challenge although a more welcome one than being a working (and pregnant) mother of one. It is a constant juggling act that involves continual putting aside of her own needs and wants; but is proving to Princess Morag that parenting is a very refining process and that God is good and fills her day with small mercies that keep her sane.

Princess Morag is trying to think of a resolution to start the new year with but her brain does not seem able to conjure one up. So she resolves to regain the ability to think and will celebrate the fact that it is currently nap time by hopefully eating cake.

Attempting to be calm and confident

From what she has read, Princess Morag believes that the two most common emotions of mothers are apparently guilt and anxiety. Having had to give up on breastfeeding, Princess Morag tried very hard not to feel guilty as she had done her best, but knowing that breastmilk is better for baby did cause her concern. Being new to the role also calls into question her mothering ability; after all, a wee bit of babysitting experience does not totally prepare you for the awesome responsibility of caring for a baby and preparing him for facing the world on his own one day. So should guilt and anxiety just be accepted as the usual territory of new mothers and tolerated? Princess Morag thinks not. You see, she believes in a God who does not want us to feel guilty and anxious, who wants to set us free to live happy, glorious lives*.
*(Romans 6:22)

Of course, it is easier said than done to become this calm, confident mother especially when it seems that her little charge sets major challenges to this state of mind. For example: When feeding, Master Ryan will cough and splutter and then go ominously quiet for a moment causing both mother and father to worry that he is not OK. When Sir Rianus is in charge of the bottle and Princess Morag is in the other room, she experiences even greater anxiety as she cannot see the face of her babe and only hears the panic in her husband's voice. However, both parents are now getting used to this tendency of their son's and are not as stressed by it anymore. Breathing related anxiety also occurs when Master Ryan is sleeping, as generally he is quite snuffly but when in a deep sleep, his breathing is not audible at all, and he looks so at peace that an angel might have taken him, or, as Princess Morag sometimes thinks, he might have been replaced by an angel!
Crying: Now this (thankfully) has not so far been too much of an issue for the new family, but when Master Ryan does decide to turn into the "crying monster", and suddenly bears absolutely no resemblance to the beatific son described above, and all his physical needs have been met....it is difficult to be patient and feel loving. This is an example of when loving becomes an action rather than an emotion and Princess Morag has to look out with herself for the strength to keep going in this situation, sometimes looking to Master Ryan's father for support or to their Heavenly Father!
Nappy Changing: Princess Morag has had to learn to be vigilant when changing nappies. As you may know, little boys sometimes take the opportunity of 'watering' the area when they are in a semi-naked state. Couple this with the tendency to spit-up the milk just consumed and factor in a messy malodorous excretion and you have a minefield scenario!!!!! Princess Morag has learned that one must simply see the humour in the situation and has put serious thought into the hierarchy of priorities when dealing with simultaneous bodily fluids in order to reduce the incidence of 'accidents' and therefore the amount of laundry required to be washed!

Having run courses on confidence building in the last two years in her workplace, you would think Princess Morag would be super confident. You would think..., but she has had to learn along the way how to apply the principles to her own life, and as she tells her patients, it doesn't happen over night. She knows that she must guard her thoughts and not let negativity take over. Unfortunately normal perspective on things disappears when you are sleep deprived. So sometimes she has been overwhelmed and felt inadequate, and guilty. But then she has been able to see things as they are in the bigger picture and hey - nobody is a perfect parent - and studies show that she just has to be the 'good enough' mother! Master Ryan seems to be healthy and content and by the look of his ever expanding chubby cheeks putting on weight nicely, so what is there to worry about?

Since the journey of motherhood began, Princess Morag has been living in the moment; she is forced to concentrate on the present needs of her child and making any sort of plans for the current day or week is challenging which doesn't leave much room for contemplating the longer term future. This is a new way of living for Princess Morag as she used to have the tendency to dwell on the future, perhaps too much. Given that she finds it so difficult to coordinate household and baby tasks, she is certainly not 'super-organised mum' and does compare herself unfavourably to others in this respect.

It seems Princess Morag is questioning once more her ability to remain confident in the face of the weaknesses she perceives in herself and there is always worry about the welfare of her child at the back of her mind, that whisper that says: "what if the worst happens??"
So what must she do? She must take heart, and be strong in her mind and spirit and heed the words of the psalmist:-
You will keep in perfect peace
all who trust in you,
all whose thoughts are fixed on you!
Trust in the Lord always,
for the Lord God is the eternal Rock.
(Psalm 26:3-4)

A modern, moulting mother

Since last you heard from Princess Morag she has joined the ranks of motherhood; from the time discovered she was with child, and even more so after the birth, she has held all mothers everywhere and especially her own, in much greater esteem. And despite a slight grief over the loss of the possibility of natural childbirth she mostly felt serious relief that she escaped the pain of labour and, in the words of Sir Keith, "squeezing a person out of her person"!

Three weeks on, Princess Morag is delighting in her son: Master Ryan James Valentine, who has taken the name of his father for his first name and the names of his great, great, great grandfather for his middle names. She is finding that the bond between mother and child is growing stronger as he begins to reveal a greater likeness to herself in his face as the days progress. At first, perhaps as a result of the method of delivery, it was strange to share all her space and time with this small infant; was he really the same creature who had inhabited her womb for 38 weeks? He was handed to her from behind the screen shielding her from the mysterious surgery that took place in her conscious but numb body and she reassured herself that he must be the same baby whose first cry instantly brought tears to her eyes, and looked so beautiful when he was brought to her to lie (heavily) on her chest very soon after.

Even before she conceived, Princess Morag was a strong proponent of breastfeeding and scoffed at the idea of bottlefeeding: what a hassle having to sterilise bottles, and what an unnecessary expense! She now finds herself trying to remember what time the last feed was, in order to know when the next lot of bottles must be ready for....but at least Master Ryan likes milk at room temperature - no having to queue for the bottlewarmer when she is out and about! (Bottlewarmer???? - who knew such things existed until the new world of motherhood begins to open up to you in ante-natal classes!) So what went wrong? Several things. Most of which were completely out of Princess Morag's realm of control. So she grieves over another loss of being able to do things naturally, especially as she had been holding dearly to the idea of breastfeeding throughout her pregnancy in order to make up for all the medical intervention that had been required from the very beginning. Although Princess Morag knows that her grief is a real and valid response to all that she has gone through in the last nine months, she has now been able to reflect on this transition to motherhood and wonders if she must simply accept, and once again be thankful for the 'miracles of modern medicine'.

This is where Princess Morag thinks of the differences between her and her husband. Sir Rianus is an historian of medieval times, and would probably have lived happily as a gallant knight in the middle ages. Princess Morag struggles to put aside the whole issue of no decent living conditions (she likes her castles with central heating!) and despite at heart being a dreamer, the fact of the matter is, if she had been born in that time, she and her mother would have died in childbirth and there would have been no Princess Morag to marry Sir Rianus, and definitely no little Master Ryan twenty-seven years later!

Princess Morag has a whole series of reasons to be grateful to doctors and nurses and all the other healthcare workers she has come across in her life, probably part of the reason she chose the career she did. After all, they saved her life and kept her alive when she arrived ten weeks prematurely and weighed so little. Her local family doctor eventually worked out what was wrong with her when she would collapse and stop breathing as a toddler! The surgeon operated twice on her heart and the second time mended it as completely as possible. The little pills prescribed to her for the last twenty years ensure that her life is not endangered by blood clots building up on the artificial heart valve that works so much better than the one God gave her! The radiographers can check her heart function using ultrasound, the same technique that checked that her baby was OK in the womb. The nurse showed her how to inject the alternative medicine that would continue to keep Princess Morag from getting blood clots but wouldn't cause harmful effects on her developing child. The fact that there are alternatives to the natural ways of life, has saved Princess Morag at every step of the way, so she thanks God that it has been so. Even if he is the "ancient of days", He has been in control of all the modern intervention in her life so she shall continue to thank Him for the intervention in the life of her child, including the invention of milk formula despite 'breast being best'.

Adjusting to motherhood is taking a bit of time, but there are many reasons to celebrate, of course the foremost is the new member of our new family! But leaving behind pregnancy brings renewed pleasure in little things that had to be sacrificed for a time e.g. pate, brie and wine! Reclaiming her body for herself, although it is changed forever, also pleases Princess Morag. When Master Ryan gets the hiccups now she finds it much easier to sleep through the little noise compared to the pulsing sensation she used to feel in her belly. But one of the downsides to being on the other side of pregnancy is that all the hair that chose not to fall out during pregnancy now decides it is time and when you have long hair like the Princess this causes significant hair coverage of the whole of the castle apartment; it is definitely time for Sir Rianus to get vacuuming!

Goodbye Pilgrims Hill, Hello Polmont Woods

Princess Morag and Sir Rianus continued to live happily in Pilgrims Hill for the duration of 2006 and into 2007. They worked and played and ate hundreds of candlelit dinners together. They celebrated their 1st and 2nd wedding anniversaries and also digested the happy but quite overwhelming news that Princess Morag was gestating their first child. They had thoughts about purchasing a new home but these were short-lived in this land of increasing house prices and interest rates. They had thoughts about finding somewhere bigger than their one-bedroomed castle in order to accommodate their impending progeny and were then forced into action by the 'Notice to Quit' they received with regard to their tenancy. Thus the Princess and Sir Rianus were forced into packing all their possessions and accumulated junk into many boxes and with the help of wonderful friends and relations and a big rental van, relocated to a two-bedroomed castle apartment in the nearby settlement of Polmont.

The parting from Pilgrims Hill and the Royal Burgh was not too painful, the castle of pebbledash was not a beautiful home, but it had been loved as it was the first home that Princess Morag and Sir Rianus had shared. They moved to a more attractive castle apartment with features that brought joy to the couple: a white (not avocado green) bathroom suite, fitted mirrored wardrobes, a still small, but fitted kitchen and celebrated most of all by Sir Rianus: mixer taps! Thus the reign of the Princess of Pilgrims Hill comes to an end. But the reign of the Princess of Polmont Woods begins! The vista from the new castle apartment is thankfully of the local wild territory shielding the eyes of onlookers from the unsightly industry of Grangemouth petrochemical works. Long live Polmont Woods.

Watch out - it's Winter!

There are always plenty of bugs breeding at this time of year and other more unexpected dangers: I am very grateful for my current reasonable state of health as I begin this new year of 2006. Unfortunately, my husband, Sir Rianus is not faring so well. Alas, as I write he lies in bed, feverish and feeling under the weather (which is currently cold and foggy)! I suspect he may have the nasty virus that afflicted me in November leading to much coughing, blowing of my soon very red and raw nose, and absence from my workplace. I visited the kind doctor of this royal burgh who issued me with a prescription for some useful drugs that combat infection, but being a stubborn and silly GUCH* princess, did not take them immediately. Thus I was not fully recovered when I decided that it was time to return to my usual place of daily employment. After one hour, I felt that the day would be better spent resting and was on my way to the car when I slipped on some frost...

A moment later, I was viewing the world from a horizontal position and wondering if I had bumped my head on my way down, I had definitely bumped my elbow and my underside was feeling a little tender, and yes I did believe I might have bumped the back of my head! This was BAD news! I gave myself a moment to gather myself and despite wishing to be magically transported home I knew that the right thing to do was to go back inside, and report the incident. Not only did I have to humble myself enough to admit that such a silly mishap had befallen me, I had to get checked by a doctor in Accident and Emergency to check that no serious damage had been done. Ever since I studied head injuries at college I knew that it was something definitely best avoided by people on anticoagulants, such as myself. I was right. As soon as warfarin was mentioned, guidelines were checked and the rules were: 12 hours observation. I had walked into the hospital that morning as a health professional and a few hours later was getting banded as a patient!!!!

From the receiving end, I am pleased to report that my colleagues are indeed wonderful people, and I was looked after very well. I also became aquainted with the night staff which had not been in the original plan but a worsening headache kept me in; happily I was set free the following day.

So I recovered from both cold and fall and have appreciated my sense of smell and lack of brain damage ever since! So please be careful as you go in this slippery season and look after yourself if you do catch a bug, make the most of the sofa time and let the world go on without you for a little while. When you are feeling better you can brighten it all the more with your new appreciation for your senses and life itself :-)

* (Grown Up with Congenital Heart Disease)